Self-Control/Self discipline "muscles"

There was a report on the radio this morning as I was headed to work.  I listened with one ear while enjoying one of the few moments in the day when my time is MY time (yes, commuting is my only "me" time...). 
The report was something along the lines of "the more you resists things, the easier it gets."  And my first thought was "DUH!"
Then I subconsciously smacked myself in the forehead.  DUH.  It's like any other skill - physical or mental.  You have to practice to get it right.  I can't walk out on a basketball court and expect to sink 3 pointers.  Or any pointers really.  But if I practice really (REALLY) hard, I may be able to eventually play a decent game.  Globetrotter I'll never be but I bet I could be a team player on a rec team.  With practice. 
Not that I WANT to play basketball (I'm 5'-6" on a good day and frankly not very good at ball sports).  But there are other "skills" that I need to work on.  Self control.  Self discipline.  And, like muscles, they need to be worked out to be stronger and more effective.
My self control and self discipline - much like the rest of my muscles - are pretty flabby.  Honestly I used pregnancy as the Grand Excuse to go back on all of my food habits.  Yes, I didn't feel well.  Yes, I needed to eat more.  But I didn't eat as healthy as I should and I ate crap.  I still eat crap.  I've lost all the progress I made on the self control/self discipline front.  And like the rest of the muscles, I WILL start working out those skills.
Yesterday was my first day (again) without candy.  It's hard.  It's become such a habit - a fidget - that it's hard to realize when I'm doing it.  Like biting your nails.  Looking down and thinking "now when did THAT happen!?"  I've been eating compulsively.  I have healthy options but I've been "treating" myself and it's not healthy.  Not for my weight, not for my food addiction. 
So yesterday I did 24 "reps" of self-control.  No candy.  And today I'll to 24 more.  And I'll picture building those muscles.  I'll have shapely calves AND healthy self control.  Eventually. 

Today's weigh in was encouraging:  204.5 pounds. 

And tonight I'll get a picture and some measurements - because my self discipline applies to following through on commitments. 

207 - hard to type that!

Ok - my tri training has started but my eating hasn't stopped. 
How's that for a fine "where ya been, how ya doing" post. 
I've been sporadically training - time is such a premium and frankly, I'm not prioritizing it the way I know I need to be.  Not only that but if I start REALLY training then I have to address the landslide of eating I've been doing.  It's bad people.  Really really bad.  As bad as it's ever been.  I'll leave it at that. 
Today however, I start on Day 1 again.  No candy.  None.  In fact I still had candy left on my desk from Friday.  And I threw it away.  Me.  Really.  Threw it away.  And I'm committing to blogging on a regular basis.  Because I NEED to.  Because I HAVE to.  Because it works for me.
So tomorrow I'll be back with pictures and measurements - and my plan.

Meanwhile - more gratuitous baby pictures - this is from halloween!

Look who's still alive!!

And gearing up to start working out again.  As the new baby reaches his 6 month 'birthday' I'm ready to start.  Why has it taken me this long?  It's a long list.  Mostly excuses.  Some more valid than others (new mom, breastfeeding, new job) some not as valid (I would have to give up junk food again, I would have to make the time, I would have to get off my butt and find my motivation again).
That's where the blog comes in handy again.  I'm going to use it again as my motivation.  Use the "audience" that's implied to get my butt moving again.  I don't have a scale anymore and haven't decided if I will replace it (it broke, I know I'm 200 pounds post baby but I haven't seen the number in a couple weeks now). 
I'm jump starting all of it by signing up for races.  A couple sprint Triathalons and joining a relay for a half ironman - yes, really! 
This entry is short - just a "hi, how are you?!" until I have time to write more.  But I'm here.  I'm back.  I'm getting ready to lose the final 50 pounds.  And help anyone else willing to join me on this journey!
Meanwhile - here's a picture of my amazing baby boy - born July 17, 2011.  That's a blog unto itself!

Full Term - and back to 240

another fly by posting...

Yesterday was 40 weeks 0 days for me - technically known as the "due date"  someone forgot to inform the human growing inside me of that fact however.  He's late.  Oh well - I trust mother nature knows what she's doing.

But since this blog was started as a weight loss blog - the "weight loss" news is that I'm back to 240 pounds.  How depressing is that?  I know it's for a good cause and I'm actually doing pretty ok with it - but I can't say I'm not anxious to see how the scale reacts after he's born and in the weeks following. 
Will I be excited to watch the weight drop off?  Will I be disappointed that it's not dropping fast enough?  Will I be able to regain my momentum and get back on the proverbial wagon? 
Only time will tell. 
Stay tuned though - I will be back. 
If this pregnancy has taught me one thing - it's that I don't want to go through life this heavy ever again.  My body is NOT happy with the extra bulk.

So - until this baby is born - and I'm back on track - thanks for sticking with me!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

13 weeks to go - the scale broke

27 weeks pregnant now - scale's been inching up, emotionally it's hard to deal with.  High emotions = more eating = higher numbers = high emotions.  See where this is going?

Downward spiral - emotionally at least.  I've been SO busy with work, commuting, teenagers, and helping hubby keep shop open and running.  I'm overloaded.  And without the downtime, I'm eating worse than usual.  I don't have time to plan let alone cook.  But I'm determined and not giving up.  It's never too late, right? 

At 27 weeks, I'm up 22 pounds - I won't lie, as much as I know that it's ok and encouraged to gain weight to grow a healthy baby, it's still really difficult to watch the scale go up.  I know that every pound I gain is another pound I have to lose. 

I really don't have much to blog about these days - life it rushing past and there's not many "victories" - I feel silly blogging about kicks and baby hiccups and growing out of even some of my maternity clothes.  I haven't even taken many pictures of my baby bump - but I'm getting comments asking when I'm due and co-workers and family are rubbing the bump. 

We've scheduled our birthing class - well, twice actually.  Hubby's business has a big open house the weekend after the major local car show.  i've been pestering him for the dates (but didn't bother to look them up myself).  He finally said "just book the birthing class, it's more important".  So I did. 
And it was the SAME weekend.  Wouldn't you know it?!  So I re-booked the birthing class - taking weeknight classes for 5 weeks vs. 2 days over a weekend.  So now we're taking a birthing class.  It's more for hubby than for me (I keep saying that but who am I kidding - it's been FIFTEEN years since I gave birth - I remember the main details but the particulars are pretty fuzzy at this point!). 

We've started a registry (including a jogging stroller - I'm determined to pick back up again after baby!), bought some "couldn't resist" baby clothes - hubby's a huge fan of ducks so a lot of the clothes we find are duck themed.  Including this:

We're doing newborn professional photos so I'm hoping this is as cute on our baby as the picture is!!

Ok - time to go back to work - just a quick update.  No news is good news, right?  I'm still following several blogs, but honestly I'm just frustrated to compare my gain to other people's losses.  I'm thrilled that so many people I've been following for over a year are still doing great and dropping pounds and still with the program.  I'm just frustrated that I feel like I'm still 3 months away from starting over again.  If that makes any sense...

TTFN,

LauraLynne

made it through the week

and still sugar free!  I'm struggling a little with random comments from people about how "big" I am - it's hard not to take it personally.  I try and focus on the fact that "big" = healthy baby, I'm all baby belly, I still have a waist (from the sides) and I should (but won't) measure my thighs and calves but I'm pretty sure they haven't changed much.  My weight gain has slowed down - I was up to 220, now down to 218 but still eating plenty!  I don't even want to count how many calories I was eating in a day - and probably 40% of it from sugar/junk. 
I keep reminding myself that the less I put on now, the less I have to take off later (keeping it to a healthy weight gain, NOT a weight loss situation here).
Meanwhile - baby boy is kicking and rolling and punching in there - constantly reminding me of his presence.  Hubby's felt him once now - but tried to feel him at night but it's hit or miss.  I suspect from this point on, it will get MUCH easier, he's moved up higher and might have flipped around (he was breech at 20wk). 
I am looking at my "no sugar" as temporary to see if I can make it the remaining 16.5 weeks without it.  I think that I will re-evaluate at that point and probably remain sugar-free but am just going to focus on one day at a time. 

That's my brief update!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

rash decision...but it needs to be done...

Just a quick check in - this morning's breakfast got me thinking...
Typically I've been eating toast every morning.  And I've been using cinnamon sugar sprinkled on top because, well, because frankly I'm out of control.  With my sugar consumption.  This morning was the final straw.  For reasons I don't completely understand. But I'm going with it...

Pregnancy or not - I'm eating too much sugar. It's become my go-to food.  And it's out of control. 
So this morning, I quit.  Cold Turkey.  Without any pre-meditation.  Peanut butter toast from this point forward.  And no snickers with lunch.  And no cadbury eggs at the grocery store.  And no ice cream, sprinkle donuts, random candy bars to curb hunger. 

It's going to mean more planning.  I still have to eat every hour or so to keep the m/s from getting out of control.  But it's NOT sugar that I need.  It's sugar that I want...but not need. 
So today is Day 1.  Again.  I know.  But I know it's what I need to do.  Not want.  For sure.  But need. 
Want vs. need.  A great post for another day...

Until then, nearly 23 weeks pregnant and already grumpy, I'm giving up sugar cold turkey. 
(my brain is already coming up with "exceptions" - there's a cupcake party in the works, there are baby showers I will be the guest of honor at - that means cake! - and there's the occassional Cadbury egg I don't WANT to resist...)

So here's to Day 1.  Again. 

TTFN,
LauraLynne

I feel like all I do is whine anymore

...hence the silence. 

I'm SO grateful for this baby growing inside me - but I'm struggling with demons that have been in me for my entire life.  I realize what a blessing it is to be able to get pregnant, to stay pregnant, to have healthy baby. 

I thank God every single day for the blessings he brings to my life.  We got news this week that this baby is a very healthy, strong, growing - BOY.  Which is awesome.  You could have knocked me over with a feather - I was sure this was a girl.  But, apparently, I was wrong! God continues to surprise me!!

I'm still suffering morning sickness - and I'm combating it by taking meds every night and making sure I'm never hungry.  Which means eating all. the. time.

What a horrible thing to complain about - right?  I mean - this should be a dream come true.  But I'm blowing it.  I'm making horrible choices.  Not all the time.  But enough for me to feel guilty.  For eating junk.  For breaking food abstinences I worked so hard on.  For feeling guilty. 

And while being pregnant is tiring, feeling guilty is worse!  I'm exhausted and not motivated to do anything.  But this weekend I'm making some changes.  Including meal planning, snack planning, freezer meals, and general de-cluttering around the house.  My room has been out of control - there's laundry everywhere and I'm going a little nutty without some order in my chaos.  I've been working my full time job plus working swap meets for my husband's business for the last 2 weekends.  I'm utterly burnt out.  And looking forward to doing something for MYSELF this weekend. 

Including cooking, cleaning and laundry.  And a date with hubby.  Because - wow - after 8 years, this man loves me more every day and life is truly awesome.  He's been so awesome with my general mood swings (grumpy to even grumpier usually), he's been generous and genuine with compliments, and some days, at the end of the day, when he walks past me and caresses my exppanding belly, life's worries just fade away. 

I haven't kept up on other blogs - it's not good for me right now.  I'm envious of those of you who's weight loss I was pacing - you've now all pulled ahead by large margins - and rightfully so.  But mentally, it's frustrating so I'm avoiding y'all for now.  I will be SO excited to cheer for you again when I feel ready.  Until then, secretly, I'm SO excited to check in now and then and see just how awesome everyone is doing!!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

strange self-image issues cropping up...

Not much to report here, I'm tired, I'm getting bigger, I'm eating all day long...I'm 19 weeks along now and right on track for weight gain according to my doctor.  So I'm trying to be nice to myself about my choices and the fact that it feels out of control (compared to when I was trying to lose weight).
I'm staying off the scale mostly - I weigh myself about once a week or so but I'm trying really hard not to let the numbers get me upset. 

BUT - what I'm struggling with - and it's new to me - is body image issues.  I KNOW I'm pregnant.  I KNOW my belly is getting bigger.  I KNOW there's a baby causing that - but I'm really struggling with my own perception of a larger tummy. 
After losing 130 pounds 9 years ago, I had a reconstructive tummy tuck.  I was middle heavy so when I lost the weight, I had a huge "skin apron" that hung down to my thighs.  I had the tummy tuck and have had a (relatively) flat stomach since then.  I've grown accustomed to my flat stomach.  And I'm moderately repulsed by my growing stomach - but only because my brain is trying to tell me that it's ALL FAT.  It's not!!  I know it's not. 
Stragers notice that I'm pregnant, my belly is definatively round and high.  But when I look in the mirror, it's hard not to poke and it and find fault with it.  Nevermind that I still have a relatively large behind and none too dainty thighs - my brain has found peace with that.  But the tummy - that's sending me into a tailspin.  I'm avoiding mirrors.  I'm on the verge of finding a counselor to just talk this out and make sure I'm not completely losing my mind.  It feels that way. 
I feel like the tummy is a result of the constant eating (without the constant eating, it becomes a cycle of constant throwing up - it would be a dream come true if I didn't already have VOLUMES of eating issues going on).  I feel angry with myself for eating and getting a big tummy.  It's NOT rational.  It's NOT logical.  It's warped.  but it's there. 

anyway - that's all I have to report for now - I'm way behind on reading blogs and frustrated because I can't comment from work (filters!) - but I'm trying to catch up with all my blogland friends!!

Happy Friday Everyone!
LauraLynne

why am I excited about 205??

well...because that means that even while baby's growing, I'm keeping my weight steady!!  It's funny how staying the same feels like a win right now.  I'm making healthy choices most of the time but I'm not limiting much (I'm even not doing great on the candy front - when I feel icky and tired and *fill in the blank* I really just can't stop thinking about it - Addicted?  *sigh*)
But I'm walking a little more - just little stuff, parking farther, getting off the bus earlier, walking around work - but it all counts. 
It's funny how it's easy to give someone else credit for their small steps when it's hard to credit ourselves - anyone else feel that way?  I commented on a fellow blogger about she is walking home from work - it's 3 miles.  She was bummed about walking and I commented that it counts for activity points (she's doing WW).  And while I'm not doing WW, I don't give myself any credit for walking to/from the bus (3/4 mile each way) and the walking I do at work etc.  In my brain - for me - it only counts if I'm walking for pure exercise.  So I'm trying to change that.  It does count.  Even for me!

TTFN,
LauraLynne