Saturday, January 30, 2010


Thursday and yesterday wasn't so good in the "pay attention to what you're eating" department. And I never just dip a toe into that pool - I full on swan dive face first mouth open into that deep dark pool. Thursday was an open house at the shop (my husband's business) and I prepared food for what was originally supposed to be 50 people. Turnout was closer to 300 - but nobody went hungy. I CAN feed a crowd!
The 'turning moment' that day was I bought chips. My Kryptonite. Ruffles. They should effing sponsor me. Giant Costco bag of Ruffles potato chips - stuff dreams are made of. I opened the bag when I unloaded it from the car. Not the veggie chips like I should of - and not a portion in a bowl like I could have. one there...unintentional snacking. Dammit. I ended the day with a piece of costco cake. The journey from chips to cake is still a blur.

And now I'm beating myself up. I need to stop this. Why is it that feeding myself feels like a treat but eating feels like a punishment - how can it be both?? The choosing food and chewing has a positive connotation for me - I DESERVE this. It's "good". But swallowing and acknowlegment of having consumed - bad. BAD. I need to figure out why the disconnect. As I'm saying this, my brain think "Oh - idea! Eat, Chew - spit it out - right? Easy solution!" But wow, that seems so...wrong. So...abnormal. So...borderline bat shit crazy.

So Friday started good - I was at work, it's easy to stay on track at work - I have a limited pantry there (stuff I bring for myself) and with the occasional mini hershey's bar (which gets logged!), I do ok. Then home - work at the shop with Hubby - and he suggests dinner. My brain immediately goes to "well, I effed up yesterday, so why not - bring it ON!"

So I ate tortilla chips, salsa, and a huge entree of delicious butter drenched shrimp and mushrooms. And - this is where I feel the guilt - I didn't log any of it. My last 2 days of food entries are empty.

But I braved the scale this morning - 225.0
Ok. I'm not 300 again - I'm not even 239 like how I rang in the New Year...and I'm resolved to not beat myself up.
I'm letting this go. Today is a new day and today I will treat my body the way it deserves.


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