Sunday, February 28, 2010

Enjoying my Sunday...

Weekends are such a challenge for me - too much time, not enough planning, I struggle to stick to my plan for the days I'm home.  So Sunday nights, when I've managed to not eat my weight in savory foods and I've successfully managed to impulsively put together 6 different meals - some of them even at restaurants - and stick to my numbers.  It's such a great feeling.  I can do this.  That's not to say it's easy.  I have to live with the idea that it may NEVER be easy.  But I have to find satisfaction in making it through a day - or a weekend - at a time. 
Chalk this one up to another weekend survived!

Tomorrow:  March goals!  Stay tuned!


Saturday, February 27, 2010

Excuse me while I rant..

If one more person tells me I'm not eating enough, I'm going to kick them right in the Gulliver!  I've been hesitant to post meal plans (stay tuned though - I'm feeling rebellious now!!) because I'm sick to DEATH of people analyzing what I'm eating.  how about you pay attention to your body and it's needs and I'll pay attention to mine. 
I'm eating around 1200 calories a day.  And losing around 2 pounds a week.  Healthy loss.  Slow and steady.  Nothing drastic.  So why is it that people feel the need to tell me that 1200 calories is not enough.  Obviously it is.  I'm eating healthy food (mostly) and I'm changing my eating habits.  That's the POINT of all of this.  The side benefit is weight loss. 
I have what I like to refer to as a stubborn metabolism.  I have a hard time losing weight (hello Captain OBVIOUS!).  Right now it's compounded by the fact that I'm not a spring chicken.  Or as my doctor so delicately tried to phrase it "you're not old, but you're not young anymore".  Thank you very much.  I hope you're still paying for the brilliant education that led you to that...oh nevermind.  He's actually a very nice man.  And if it weren't ME he were referring to, that would be kind of funny.
I'm also a gastric bypass patient - which puts a whole new spin on things.  Protein and vitamins are key.  So far my blood work is spot on, I've been lucky there. 
Also to consider is the fact I've got an IUD (ya - sorry - TMI).  It's putting hormones into my body that cause some people to gain weight.  We're just going to assume for sanity's sake that I'm one of THOSE people.  (Dr. Wonderful is taking that sucker out next week - it will be interesting to see how that affect my rate of loss all other things staying the same). 

Ok - thanks.  I think I'm over it.  And I'm ready for the next 10 people who tell me I'm not eating enough.  I might still kick them.  It depends on how long it's been since my last meal (I'm a grumpy b!tch when my blood sugar drops).

Happy Saturday everyone!!


Friday, February 26, 2010

Question - need feedback

So - assuming we're all adults here - or nearly adults - or at least adult-like, looking back on your life as it led up to being overweight, struggling with food, arriving where we are, what advice would you have given yourself when you first started this struggle?  If you could write a letter to yourself or jump back in time with advice, what would you say?  Can you look back and pinpoint that pivotal time?  Would you go back and ask your parents to do something differently?  Act differently, provide different support?  Would you have appreciated and been able to listen to it from the outside?

My purpose is this - my daughter is 16.  And my biggest fear is that she's following me down this path.  The one that leads to 300+ pounds, low self-esteem, poor life choices.  And I'm not sure how to address it.  I've asked myself how I would have changed my OWN path had I known where it leads.  And I don't have the answer.  I know that my mom didn't help - and that's not to say that she didn't try - but I didn't listen.  I was in therapy a few times, but the topic there was not food.  (my childhood with my father was a nightmare - I did NOT suffer sexual abuse but physical and emotional abuse which carried over into my teens and then adult life). 

So as I struggle with my own issues (struggle just doesn't seem like a strong enough word sometimes!), I'm struggling also with how to encourage my daughter to lead a more healthy life - have more choices as an adult, and ultimately NOT follow in my footsteps. 

So what advice for the mom of a 16 year old who's well on her path to overeating and food addiction?  There's  hope.  There must be.  I've failed myself for 41 years, I do NOT want to fail her too. 

And on THAT happy note!


Friday weigh in....

I'm going to start this one by saying that I saw a low scale of 215.9 this week!!  Last night's super salty and probably WAY more calories than I should have Udon soup is who i'm blaming this morning's number on.  2180.0

I can however appreciate that this is a GOOD number.  It's down from last Friday - it's down from the 5 Friday's before that, and it's down from the 365 Friday's before THAT!  I'm determined to look forward, not back.  218.0 is good.  I deserve self-praise.  And a tiny bit of pride. 

NonScale Victories:  More jeans are baggy.  I'm wearing a t-shirt I havne't worn for awhile - one that I did wear at 240 until I saw  picture of myself wearing it...then it went to the back of the closet.  And tonight I'm going to talk to my husband about signing up for the Malibu Marathon (well, half) and just getting off my ass (and away from the computer in the morning) and starting to run. 

Off to work with me - TGIF!


Thursday, February 25, 2010

knock down drag out fight

A fight, that's what was going on in my brain last night. I had to hit the grocery store on my way 11pm...And I was hungry. I needed Crystal Lite for at work (ya ya - artificial sweeteners - for crying out loud, I'm not giving EVERYTHING up!). And my daughter needed juice for a church group today (hence the 11pm trip). And mostly, I did ok. Hung out in the produce section for a little while, looking for sale items, got my CL, the juice girlchild needed, and a couple boxes of 100 calorie snack packs. I was feeling pretty good about things as I headed for the register.


I saw them. I braced myself, did a little mental check in, so far so good. I'm 2 people back in line (and wow - the people in front of me had a bit much to drink - they smelled heavily of alcohol) and my check in tells me I'm doing ok. I fidget a little as the first couple pays for their munchies and try to distract myself by seeing how long I could hold my breath (ya - the dude in front of me smelled THAT strongly of booze). He's now paying for his several large cans of beer...and I'm seeing little flags start to go off in my head.

"They're on SALE!"
"Only 150 calories, there's room in your numbers today!"
"You've been so good!"
No....well....I have been pretty good...
"it's been 9 days, you DESERVE IT!"
you might be on to something....
"Just think of that creamy's delish!"

NO. NO. NO. *^%^&;#@$ NO!!!

I made it out of there with only my planned purchases. And no Cadbury Creme eggs. And I wish I felt stronger because of it. I just feel so out of control. And now the voices are fighting. And it seems only a CCE will shut them up.

How do other people manage this? It feels like borderline schizophrenia (ok - not to diminish ACTUAL mental illness - I don't really mean it that way...but...sometime I really FEEL crazy for the conversations that happen only in my brain). There's a Rock-'Em Sock-'Em, good vs. evil full on fight going on in my head. And more often than not, I'm winning. I'm still eating healthy, I’m down 25 pounds, I'm dealing with the feelings head on. WHEN does that fighting stop?? Am I always going to have this battle? At the grocery store, as I pass the candy dish at a business, when I eat in public, when I eat in private?

More than skinny, more than healthy, more than sexy - I want to feel NORMAL.

And I don't think that's asking for much.

But it feels like EVERYTHING sometimes.

Am I the only one??



Monday, February 22, 2010

fat math...

I'm a numbers geek - I love math (don't make *that* face!).

Today I stepped on the scale (as usual...) and it said 216.2 back at me (wow - I'm still totally psyched!). so I started doing the math:

23.8 pounds in 53 days = .45 pounds a day
23.8 pounds gone = 83,300 calories cut
83,300 calories cut in 53 days = 1572 calories a day

Only 66.2 pounds to go, 147 days at the current rate. I can DO this for 147 days. Monday, July 19, 2010. I COULD be my goal weight by my 42nd birthday. Oh, the possibilities!!

Meanwhile, today I'm committed to no chocolate. And so far so good. 7 days no chocolate treats. *Success*

I'm still flying high from the LCD screen staring back at me this morning. And in the back of my mind, I'm telling myself to enjoy it because tomorrow that number will be right back where I started. Not likely, but still a lurking fear. I need to start weaning myself from the scale. But I'm not sure how. I'll ponder!

I love hearing from those of you who've contacted me - I love reading other weight loss blogs - I love that there's this nearly invisible support out there. I'm also up for suggestions on how to make this blog a little more interactive - more helpful for readers. Drop me a line, I see so many giveaways and contests but I'm not sure how to begin those (of if it's even worth it to readers?). I'm ready to hear from you though!


Saturday, February 20, 2010

weekly wrap up...

I still expect the scale to show "big numbers, no whammies" but have started to come around to the idea that it's showing smaller numbers slowly and I have to be patient. I'm down 20 pounds. And I need to give myself credit for that. *patting self on back*. And while my decision making isn't perfect - good golly - I'm making WAY better choices than in the past. My brain keeps visiting the "don't give a rip anymore" place and I keep backing it up from there and going back to the other 90% that DOES give a rip. About my health, about my body, about being an example for my 16 year old daughter. Who has developed new stretch marks on her arms. I could cry for her.

So this week - I gave up chocolate! And it's everywhere I look!! At my office, at the appointments I've been to lately, and the grocery store?! Fiendish they are at the grocery store. I swear they hate healthy people. They hide the healthy food and mark down the crap. Being frugal, I'm always drawn to a "sale" sign. And I cringe at the price of vegetables. But the reality is, each "on sale" crap I resist now, is a medical co-pay I'm avoiding down the line. Save 50% off of chocolate now, or $30 co-pay later. Even my brain likes that math.

My OA book is sitting untouched in the kitchen (irony, I haz it!). I blame lack of time. What I really need to face is my fear. Fear? of a book? Say it's not so!! Ok, so the fear isn't of the book (although paper cuts - they can get infected and then...ok, nevermind). The fear is of failure. So many people have made 12 steps work for them. And they've faced their addiction. Even with food. I almost wish I were an alcoholic or drug addict (please, don't be offended - I know what a ridiculous notion that is and I'm NOT making light of other addictions) but for my brain, it's so much easier to say "I'm NEVER doing *that* again." But food? I face it every day. Our culture teaches us to celebrate with it, to mourn with it, to never socialize without it. And our minds get accustomed to this. Happy? here - eat! Sad? here - eat! Bored, angry, tired, lonely - eat eat EAT!

Now I have to find another way to celebrate, mourn, socialize. I need to feel comfortable around food.
It's like an ex. boyfriend who you really really loved and now he's married into your family. Most days you can stick to your routine and avoid him - but there are a lot of events that he's there, he's happy, people love talking to him and he's entertaining...but you still have a lot of emotion tied up in hating him. I'm lucky I only have one ex - and he lives far far away!!

So this week's successes is definitely topped by the giving up chocolate. And while I still think about it - walk by the bowl longingly, stare at the wrappers on my desk (ya, I need to clean up around here, did I mention it was a BUSY week!?!). I've held the craving off. And it's diminishing. I have to be ready for a full on attack at any time...and I do have 100 cal packs of chocolate covered pretzels at the ready...but emotionally, I'm working on getting over my love affair with chocolate. Luckily my husband is not a fan of candy so I don't have to face it on a regular basis.
Other successes are that I'm seeing a change in my body - ok pictures are long overdue - I'll see what I can do about that - but I'm seeing changes. I'm wearing my "oh god, these don't fit anymore EITHER?!?!" jeans again and that gives me more choices in the morning. How many people go through the closet crisis every morning? To the rest of the world, it looks like you have plenty of clothes. But what they don't know is that most of the jeans hanging there won't go past my knees, some go to my hips, some zipper but OMG I can't breathe, a few fit, and one pair is my "go to" pair. Plenty of shirts - but some gap at the buttons, don't come down far enough on my hips to cover my muffin top, tight on my arms, or just plain makes me feel all "bulgy". So while it looks like I've got enough clothes for a week of leaving the house, in reality I only have 2 or 3 outfits to wear, wash, and wear again.
That's starting to change. And thank goodness. I was on the verge of shopping. I. Hate. Shopping.

My weaknesses this week were small in comparison (which is part of the success I'm feeling - yay me!). I am still very snacky at night. And my kids ate all the apples. And the store is just a mile away.... I've done pretty well on no late night snacking. Especially since I'm using all my calories by the time I finish the last bite of dinner. But being awake for another 3-4 hours after dinner - I'll have to find a solution to this. It's a very strong urge and when I give in, I feel guilty. I plan snacks for the rest of the day, I need to work a late night - healthy - snack into my plan.

Other weak spots? None that I can think of right now - I need to start logging them daily though, I know they're there.
Goals for this week:
I would still like to make it my goal to only weigh once a week but I'm not sure how that feels yet. And I need to menu plan. Soup at my desk EVERY day is going to be the death of me. I like the soup - but sometimes I want MEAT!! And more substance! And the feeling of "I planned for this - now I'm eating it - go me!
Finally, I really need to start working out. I keep saying that, don't I?! Ugh. Add that to my weaknesses for the week - I didn't sign up for any races and I haven't worked out (ok - yesterday I walked 1.5 miles to an appointment I had - but then got a ride back to the office..but I walked 1.5 miles!)

Ok - off to start my weekend. Meal planning, laundry, clean the house (especially the chocolate wrappers that are reminding me how good Cadbury eggs taste!).


Friday, February 19, 2010

Oh my gosh!!

I'm so excited!! I found a great blog the other day with a link to what looks like (and has great reviews!) for healthy easy to fix food. I'm SO GEEKED!! I entered the contest on her blog and I won!! So now I get to try the food for myself (and report back of course!) but I have another great resource - thank you Jessica!!

Tomorrow's Saturday and I'm due for an update...I'm still without chocolate and feeling pretty good about that!

More tomorrow...I woke my hubby up with my celebrating so I suppose we should go tuck ourselves in for the night...

Day 3: no chocolate.

And it is getting easier. Not easy. Yet. But easier.

weigh in Friday - 220.4

short for now - more later but the scale says 220.4

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

willpower - everyone's got it!!

Ok - so tonight was our OA group. I still need to get this blog up to speed on how that's going. But just a short entry for tonight: willpower. I've got it and never knew it.
In the group, we're using a book as a guide - not the normal 12 step book, but a Christian centered 12 step book by Mike O'Neil. now don't ask me how I remember his name but not the title (and I'm too lazy to get up and walk 10' into the kitchen and look - or heaven forbid google...but I digress). In it he said something that really hit it out of the park for me - I had an AH HA moment, a giant epiphany.

I have always berated myself for my lack of willpower. Lamented about how difficult it is for me to stay in control of my food. (Day 2: still no chocolate!!)
My excuse has always been my weak willpower. But when I look at the reverse, nothing could be farther from the truth. I have the ability to GET food. Anytime, anywhere. Candy corn in April? I've got my ways. Cadbury Creme eggs (they really should sponsor me!!) in Novmeber - you bet your sweet bippy I can get one. Even when I was at my lowest financially, I always had enough to eat and even overeat. It was during my financial lows that I gained the most weight (nevermind an emotionally abusive marriage and depression - even with THAT going on, I managed). So willpower? I haz it.
Now I have to learn to use my power for good. I have to give myself credit for being strong enough to avoid my trigger foods. To reach my goals. To find my worth and feel worthy.
I have to believe I deserve it. And use my amazing willpower to get there.

I'll leave you with that much for now - tomorrow, step one. I promise.


day 2 - no chocolate

Yup. Now what I want to know is WHEN will it quit bugging me - you know - that nagging little "but it's JUST a tiny piece of chocolate." It's so much more for me. I want to have control over the food in my life. This includes chocolate. And as I've said before, it's all or nothing for me. So goodbye sweet milk chocolate. Maybe not forever - but certainly for awhile.
Which leads me to the throughts rambling (well - what's the term for something going breakneck speed? Oh - careening!) through my head. Why is food such an emotional escape for me? Like most people these days, I have a lot of stress in my life. More than some, less than others. And my brain rarely gets a break from keeping track of all that is my life. Except when I eat. And the feeling of "stress b gone" that comes with it isn't a good one - it's replaced with guilt and analyzing what I'm eating and thinking about what I could have should have would have eaten...but the voices that are in my head normally are quiet. It's the same reason I ride motorcycles - to put aside the fact that I am all things to all people (at least it feels that way) and I only become responsible for myself for that period of time.
Replacing the numbing that food gives me seems like the wrong goal - figuring out why the 'voices' need numbed seems more healthy. Or maybe a little of both?
Does this even make sense?
Meanwhile, I'll continue to abstain from chocolate while I ponder the bigger mysteries of addiction.


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

This afternoon...

I will not eat chocolate. Until 8pm. I'll revist it after that!!

*waving* I have my very first follower!! Pressures on, now I have to stay honest and become entertaining (I promise to try at least!).....HI Tiffany

UPDATE: 7:40pm and I've even been to the grocery store and still no chocolate. And now I'm full from dinner (chicken breast, tomato/cucumber salad) so I'm going to make it ONE DAY without chocolate!
Public accountibility DOES work!

And that is my success of the day!@!

setback: still no running and I haven't signed up for any races yet...soon, soon!


This morning

I will NOT eat chocolate. *stomping my foot* No. Matter. What.

I will revist this after lunch.

Monday, February 15, 2010

walking a fine line..

between eating what I want and eating what I need. I've been SO grumpy about my food choices - I eat within my calories and I feel deprived (and still don't lose as fast as I want) but I spend several days staying close to my calories and only adding them up at the end of the night and still coming in under (yay!) but then I worry about it most of the day. I can't win. I want to spend 24 hours NOT thinking about food. I am TIRED of having it be the primary focus of my life. There's not anything in my life that I spend more time thinking about - my brain is like a 24/7 food network - only MUCH more dysfunctional. I cracked the OA book today. But it's hard - turning the eye inward. It's so much easier to criicize other people and solve their problems.
I justify it that I don't have time. Yet I sit here online for hours at night - NOT working the program. Not taking care of business. Numbing it all. Sometimes with food, more often these days with mindless surfing.
For all the control I've gotten in my life, this seems to be the area of frustration for me.
Only questions, no answers.
OA program asks that I do a daily journal. 2 of the questions are what were your failures and what were your success for the day. There are other questions, most of them I'll keep private, these 2 I think I'll add to my postings on here. Just to be the internet and maybe a reader or 2 who stumble on my little corner of the internet...

Today's Success: My wedding rings spins on my finger and comes off without copious amounts of spit and twisting (and sore finger!). It's still a bit of a struggle but it's NOT cutting off the circulation. Definate improvement! My 'big jeans' - you know, the ones you prefer to wear at your highest weight because they cut off the circulation the least - are baggy. Sloppy. Almost "Pants on the Ground" frumpy. I walk around in them just feeling the fabric rustle on my skin as they slid around. I feel good when I see tangible results.
Today's setback: Cadbury (MotherEffing) Eggs. Was doing ok until my little 11pm snack of one cadbury egg. Not that eating it was bad. But eating it unplanned is NOT good. Also eating as a stress reaction at work. I have to figure something out to curb that tendency. Suggestions?? (ok - going back to add another success since I listed 2 setbacks)...

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Best husband ever...

suprised me with flowers, chocolate, and reservations. After my day today, it was the perfect combination. And I know - just another Saturday for a lot of couples out there - but planning ahead is monumental for my guy. I am truly blessed.

I let go last night

I ate a real meal. My kids fixed turkey burges and sccallion sticks. And I ate a whole burger. And added up the calories AFTER I ate it. 500 or so. with bun. I went over my calorie limit but I enjoyed eating! I didn't overeat, I only ate a couple of the scallion sticks (deep fried breaded scallions) and I didn't feel deprived. I've been feeling deprived. And mourning food. Time for change. Meal planning. Real meals - no more "I'm eating this because I HAVE to eat this" but real food - planned within my calorie limits. sitting at the table. With my family.

And a Much Better Attitude(tm).

Happy weekend non-existant readers!


Friday, February 12, 2010

weigh in day - 222.4

I started off with a great week - got down to 219.0! The last few days have been difficult - mentally. I just want to dive back into old habits head first. I'm at nothing lost for the week and that should be a success. But I feel like a failure! 6 weeks - 18 pounds gone, that's 3 a week average. If anyone told me they'd done that, I'd be over the moon for them. ok. enough whining. I KNOW what i need to do.

This weekend I resolve to sign up for at least one 5k. And one sprint Tri. And start working out.

There, I said it. *deep deep deep breath*

I also need more sleep. at some point my body got it's wires crossed and thinks that food=sleep and I'm just struggling to fight the idea that if I eat something, I will wake up more - or feel more rested - or something! I know it's not reality.

Ok. Off to research runs and races.


Thursday, February 11, 2010

my body sucks at math...

Ok. So if I cut 1500 calories a DAY out of my diet. And I lose roughly 2 pounds a week then WHY OH WHY when I go a measly 194 calories over my daily limit yesterday does my body GAIN 2 pounds?! How is that possible?! Because while my brain is a math whiz, my body is obviously left brained.
Ok. So, deep breath, I know that I shouldn't put so much value into the scale but I want results - short term immediate results. And watching that number go from 219 to 221 in 24 hours is just defeating. Ok. I know. Deep breath. I should weigh myself once a week and call it good. My body fluctuates - I KNOW that - but I want results.
Maybe my body was telling me that last night's thoughtless eating SHOULD have consequences. one bag of popchips put me over my limit for the day. Add to that the fact that it was 11:30 when I ate them. And that I didn't portion them. And that I went to bed RIGHT after I ate them. Ok. Maybe 2 pounds does make sense.
And now I need to find balance and forgiveness - not necessarily in that order.
Sometimes I am going to make unhealthy choices. I'm human. end. of. story.

Later I will post about my first 12 step meeting last night - I'm still processing all the info. And facing the fear.


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

more pondering...

why is it when someone else says they've lost 20 pounds it sounds amazing but when I say I've lost 20 pounds, it sounds tiny and inconsequential? I see the amazement on other people's faces when I say it buy my own brian won't let me celebrate...why IS that??

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

willpower - who's got it?

Ok - so as I'm wandering through the grocery store tonight (asparagus - NOT cadbury eggs...OMG CADBURY EGGS ARE HERE!!) I have a thought: willpower, mine is weak, that much I'm sure of. It takes all my power NOT to buy impulse food. But for those people who have it - or appear to have it - how do you do it? Is willpower a habit or something learned, or genetic? Are there people out there who just don't CRAVE like I do?

I know a portion of mine is the addiction/obsession part of my brain. I do know the habit can be broken - I've done it. Colas - diet or otherwise. Caffeine too. It's been 5 years (or so? I've lost count) since I've had a diet coke. I was a four liter a day drinker. Holy crap - I just said that out loud. Yup. I had a "problem" with diet coke the same way I have a problem with unhealthy food and over eating. One of my problems is that I am an all or nothing person. 2008 I signed up to do a 5k. At the point when I signed up, I could not run 1/4 mile. Not even 1/8 mile. I did the c25k (couch to 5k) program and the madness began. I ran/walked my first 5k in June. I signed up for a half marathon and completed that in November 2008. I haven't run since. All or Nothing. Geesh.
But I digress...
Willpower (back on topic...) do you have it? It it easy? It sure looks easy - I zig zag towards the cookies in the store - and I'm distracted by the candy at the checkout. I obsess about it afterwards and it takes awhile for the memory of it to fade (did I mention they have CADBURY EGGS on the shelves again...God Help me)

Will there come a day that this won't happen? It doesn't happen for me now with Diet Coke - even when it's the only thing to drink, I don't even take a sip. I don't notice it. I don't blog about it (OK - so I'm talking/blogging about it now - but I'm using it as an example!!). I don't remember at what point I stopped thinking about it.
That gives me hope. I hope that someday, I am as nonchalant about junk food and unhealthy eating as I am about diet coke.
In the meantime I have envy for the people who are there already - and am downright jealous of the people who've never struggled with it (certainly everyone struggles with something - right?)

Meanwhile, I'm counting calories and struggling to walk through a grocery store. baby steps. And it really is just all one day at a time.

Which reminds me - tomorrow is my growth group on food addiction and OA!!
Until then,


one thing dentists are good for...

sore mouth means less desire to eat. Today I will stay within my limits and try to use my recouperating time to pre-make a few meals for myself. And go for a walk.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Sunday night...

It's been a boring but successful weekend. I don't watch football so that was no issue. But today I ate late (and had a sugar free pudding for breakfast on my way out the door) but then had a great lunch (4oz turkey burger and 2c asparagus) so when we went out to dinner, I could go a little "hog wild". I had a top sirloin (6oz) and 10 shrimp (breaded) and a large salad in place of a potato choice. Still enough calories left for a WW fudge bar. now I'm sipping water trying to ignore my urge to snack. I'm going to head to bed early tonight to catch up on some sleep and avoid any more temptation (hubby is snacking on RITZ across from me!!)
I'll refrain from posting my daily weight - it will go up and is down though! :)


Saturday, February 6, 2010

new day

Ok - I'm going to have to come to grips with there are going to be days where I go 10% over my calories. In the past it was 100% over my calories - so I will have to learn to see 10% over as a success. I woke up with an irrational feer that the scale would show a 18 pound gain. Overnight. As if.
Let's just hope it doesn't take 41 years to UNtrain my brain. I've wasted too much time already.

Friday, February 5, 2010


Extraordinary Measure - great movie. Eating whole bag of M&M's - need to forgive myself and move forward. I have a fridge of healthy food...I should have packed a snack. I did make good choices at Red Robin - petite natural burger with a side of steamed broccoli (oh - there was a little hiccup initially when they brought me a shot glass of broccoli - um, EXCUSE ME?! You take my fries and give me TWO pieces of broccoli - I don't THINK so!). Full order of broccoli was brought out with an apology and a "this is on the house". turns out the broccoli was on the house - but it should have been in place of my fries so really the manager was blowing hot air. But anyway - turned out fine. No harm, no foul.

And then I wanted chocolate. So I sent hubby for a kit kat bar at the movie theater - the cool think about those is that I know the calorie count per kit kat stick. So it's easier to visualize and quantify how much I'm eating. But the only chocolate they had was a big bag of M&M's. And I didn't stop until they were gone. All 500 or so calories. Now I am working on the forgiveness part. Anyone have any "guilt-b-gone" spray for me? I need a large bottle please...

ps. go see Extraordinary Measures - I was pleasantly surprised with Brandon Frasier's acting and Harrison has STILL got it going on...and the storyline is very poingant without additional Hollywood Drama. It was a nice night out.


Friday check in

Ok - I've decided that since part of the drive to start a blog was to be accountible for my weigh ins. Friday. That's the day. I will start reporting my weight on Fridays. Today it's 222.4 pounds.
I'm still struggling with how to format this blog - to keep it organized and, perhaps, make it interesting and helpful for other people. I've been reading other blogs and I'm SO not worthy - I want to just quote so much of what I read because they say what I'm feeling and thinking in a much more witty and entertaining way. so far I'm talking to myself - but maybe someday someone out there will stumble on my blog and read it. or not. But I want to document what I'm feeling and going through on good days and bad. Good days so I have something to read back on when I'm struggling and bad so I can look back and find the lesson.
Going on in my brain today is the idea of food as a reward. Get a project done early? Chocolate!! A pat on the head but with a lot more calories. Didn't eat more than one bagel - cream cheese for everyone! It starts as a kid - but as an adult I shouldn't NEED a reward. A job well done should be it's own reward.
But I want chocolate. Or chips. Or a second helping of *fill in the blank* My brian immediately goes to "I DESERVE IT!!" complete with stomping feet and raised voice. Where does this come from? And how do I make it go away? Do I go without or find a substitute. I'm NOT falling for the 'stickers instead of a sucker' crap. And besides, what am *I* going to do with stickers? Hey everyone - look at all my gold stars! 10,000 more and I get a new car...! um. NO. I have to find a way to focus on the goal - that SHOULD be my reward. A body I'm proud of, a wardrobe that fits, nobody criticizing my grocery selection.
In December I did a hypnotherapy session with a great friend of mine. I will go into details another time but for the purpose of my point today, she had me visualize what my body would look like at my ideal weight. I looked down (virtually) and saw it. I had narrow hips, knees that were amazing, leg definition, less busty - I could SEE it. I wish I could plug my brain into a printer and print that image out. And look at it as my reward. Because that WILL be my reward. I want to figure out how to make the image come up in my brain at will so that I can use it to distract and remind myself of the goal.

but for now - it's Friday - and I'm about to face a weekend of eating opportunities. I have been reading about "resistance muscles" (Beck maybe?) and this weekend I will need them. Weekends are challenging for me. too much time and opportunity.

Until next time!


Tuesday, February 2, 2010


First of all - it's my youngest sister's birthday today! (commence gopher-shadow-birth jokes...she's heard them all). She's 24 today! Yay sister!

today I'm back at work - and armed with lots of food that's good for me and keeps me on plan. I got on the scale this morning and it's moving in the right direction. And now I'm (mentally) struggling with the idea of getting up earlier to start running again. I'm NOT a morning person. When I did this in the past, I would literally have to throw myself out of bed at 4:30 to go work out. I'm going to have to do that again...starting soon.
Meanwhile - I'm feeling pretty good about all of this - good food choices will lead to a healthier body. I have to learn patience! I doesn't feel equal right now - I feel a little deprived in the food department compared to the snail's pace weight loss. This is the part where I have to dig in and "just do it." I know the results will be slow coming.
Next month, I will have my IUD removed - I suspect it has a little something to do with my metabolism being SO Gawd Awful. But we'll see. By then I will have been eating healthy for 2 months and should be able to see (or not see) the difference one tiny piece of plastic dipped in hormones has on me.
Meanwhile - back to work!