Wednesday, February 17, 2010

day 2 - no chocolate

Yup. Now what I want to know is WHEN will it quit bugging me - you know - that nagging little "but it's JUST a tiny piece of chocolate." It's so much more for me. I want to have control over the food in my life. This includes chocolate. And as I've said before, it's all or nothing for me. So goodbye sweet milk chocolate. Maybe not forever - but certainly for awhile.
Which leads me to the throughts rambling (well - what's the term for something going breakneck speed? Oh - careening!) through my head. Why is food such an emotional escape for me? Like most people these days, I have a lot of stress in my life. More than some, less than others. And my brain rarely gets a break from keeping track of all that is my life. Except when I eat. And the feeling of "stress b gone" that comes with it isn't a good one - it's replaced with guilt and analyzing what I'm eating and thinking about what I could have should have would have eaten...but the voices that are in my head normally are quiet. It's the same reason I ride motorcycles - to put aside the fact that I am all things to all people (at least it feels that way) and I only become responsible for myself for that period of time.
Replacing the numbing that food gives me seems like the wrong goal - figuring out why the 'voices' need numbed seems more healthy. Or maybe a little of both?
Does this even make sense?
Meanwhile, I'll continue to abstain from chocolate while I ponder the bigger mysteries of addiction.


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