Thursday, February 25, 2010

knock down drag out fight

A fight, that's what was going on in my brain last night. I had to hit the grocery store on my way 11pm...And I was hungry. I needed Crystal Lite for at work (ya ya - artificial sweeteners - for crying out loud, I'm not giving EVERYTHING up!). And my daughter needed juice for a church group today (hence the 11pm trip). And mostly, I did ok. Hung out in the produce section for a little while, looking for sale items, got my CL, the juice girlchild needed, and a couple boxes of 100 calorie snack packs. I was feeling pretty good about things as I headed for the register.


I saw them. I braced myself, did a little mental check in, so far so good. I'm 2 people back in line (and wow - the people in front of me had a bit much to drink - they smelled heavily of alcohol) and my check in tells me I'm doing ok. I fidget a little as the first couple pays for their munchies and try to distract myself by seeing how long I could hold my breath (ya - the dude in front of me smelled THAT strongly of booze). He's now paying for his several large cans of beer...and I'm seeing little flags start to go off in my head.

"They're on SALE!"
"Only 150 calories, there's room in your numbers today!"
"You've been so good!"
No....well....I have been pretty good...
"it's been 9 days, you DESERVE IT!"
you might be on to something....
"Just think of that creamy's delish!"

NO. NO. NO. *^%^&;#@$ NO!!!

I made it out of there with only my planned purchases. And no Cadbury Creme eggs. And I wish I felt stronger because of it. I just feel so out of control. And now the voices are fighting. And it seems only a CCE will shut them up.

How do other people manage this? It feels like borderline schizophrenia (ok - not to diminish ACTUAL mental illness - I don't really mean it that way...but...sometime I really FEEL crazy for the conversations that happen only in my brain). There's a Rock-'Em Sock-'Em, good vs. evil full on fight going on in my head. And more often than not, I'm winning. I'm still eating healthy, I’m down 25 pounds, I'm dealing with the feelings head on. WHEN does that fighting stop?? Am I always going to have this battle? At the grocery store, as I pass the candy dish at a business, when I eat in public, when I eat in private?

More than skinny, more than healthy, more than sexy - I want to feel NORMAL.

And I don't think that's asking for much.

But it feels like EVERYTHING sometimes.

Am I the only one??



1 comment:

Tiff said...

I'm with you on the artificial sweetners- I can't live without my splenda! And the thought about this being like borderline schizophrenia is so true! lol