Monday, February 15, 2010

walking a fine line..

between eating what I want and eating what I need. I've been SO grumpy about my food choices - I eat within my calories and I feel deprived (and still don't lose as fast as I want) but I spend several days staying close to my calories and only adding them up at the end of the night and still coming in under (yay!) but then I worry about it most of the day. I can't win. I want to spend 24 hours NOT thinking about food. I am TIRED of having it be the primary focus of my life. There's not anything in my life that I spend more time thinking about - my brain is like a 24/7 food network - only MUCH more dysfunctional. I cracked the OA book today. But it's hard - turning the eye inward. It's so much easier to criicize other people and solve their problems.
I justify it that I don't have time. Yet I sit here online for hours at night - NOT working the program. Not taking care of business. Numbing it all. Sometimes with food, more often these days with mindless surfing.
For all the control I've gotten in my life, this seems to be the area of frustration for me.
Only questions, no answers.
OA program asks that I do a daily journal. 2 of the questions are what were your failures and what were your success for the day. There are other questions, most of them I'll keep private, these 2 I think I'll add to my postings on here. Just to be accountable...to the internet and maybe a reader or 2 who stumble on my little corner of the internet...

Today's Success: My wedding rings spins on my finger and comes off without copious amounts of spit and twisting (and sore finger!). It's still a bit of a struggle but it's NOT cutting off the circulation. Definate improvement! My 'big jeans' - you know, the ones you prefer to wear at your highest weight because they cut off the circulation the least - are baggy. Sloppy. Almost "Pants on the Ground" frumpy. I walk around in them just feeling the fabric rustle on my skin as they slid around. I feel good when I see tangible results.
Today's setback: Cadbury (MotherEffing) Eggs. Was doing ok until my little 11pm snack of one cadbury egg. Not that eating it was bad. But eating it unplanned is NOT good. Also eating as a stress reaction at work. I have to figure something out to curb that tendency. Suggestions?? (ok - going back to add another success since I listed 2 setbacks)...

1 comment:

Tiff said...

Hi! Thanks so much for stopping by my blog- I'm excited to be following yours now as well! Hope you're having a great week :)