Saturday, February 20, 2010

weekly wrap up...

I still expect the scale to show "big numbers, no whammies" but have started to come around to the idea that it's showing smaller numbers slowly and I have to be patient. I'm down 20 pounds. And I need to give myself credit for that. *patting self on back*. And while my decision making isn't perfect - good golly - I'm making WAY better choices than in the past. My brain keeps visiting the "don't give a rip anymore" place and I keep backing it up from there and going back to the other 90% that DOES give a rip. About my health, about my body, about being an example for my 16 year old daughter. Who has developed new stretch marks on her arms. I could cry for her.

So this week - I gave up chocolate! And it's everywhere I look!! At my office, at the appointments I've been to lately, and the grocery store?! Fiendish they are at the grocery store. I swear they hate healthy people. They hide the healthy food and mark down the crap. Being frugal, I'm always drawn to a "sale" sign. And I cringe at the price of vegetables. But the reality is, each "on sale" crap I resist now, is a medical co-pay I'm avoiding down the line. Save 50% off of chocolate now, or $30 co-pay later. Even my brain likes that math.

My OA book is sitting untouched in the kitchen (irony, I haz it!). I blame lack of time. What I really need to face is my fear. Fear? of a book? Say it's not so!! Ok, so the fear isn't of the book (although paper cuts - they can get infected and then...ok, nevermind). The fear is of failure. So many people have made 12 steps work for them. And they've faced their addiction. Even with food. I almost wish I were an alcoholic or drug addict (please, don't be offended - I know what a ridiculous notion that is and I'm NOT making light of other addictions) but for my brain, it's so much easier to say "I'm NEVER doing *that* again." But food? I face it every day. Our culture teaches us to celebrate with it, to mourn with it, to never socialize without it. And our minds get accustomed to this. Happy? here - eat! Sad? here - eat! Bored, angry, tired, lonely - eat eat EAT!

Now I have to find another way to celebrate, mourn, socialize. I need to feel comfortable around food.
It's like an ex. boyfriend who you really really loved and now he's married into your family. Most days you can stick to your routine and avoid him - but there are a lot of events that he's there, he's happy, people love talking to him and he's entertaining...but you still have a lot of emotion tied up in hating him. I'm lucky I only have one ex - and he lives far far away!!

So this week's successes is definitely topped by the giving up chocolate. And while I still think about it - walk by the bowl longingly, stare at the wrappers on my desk (ya, I need to clean up around here, did I mention it was a BUSY week!?!). I've held the craving off. And it's diminishing. I have to be ready for a full on attack at any time...and I do have 100 cal packs of chocolate covered pretzels at the ready...but emotionally, I'm working on getting over my love affair with chocolate. Luckily my husband is not a fan of candy so I don't have to face it on a regular basis.
Other successes are that I'm seeing a change in my body - ok pictures are long overdue - I'll see what I can do about that - but I'm seeing changes. I'm wearing my "oh god, these don't fit anymore EITHER?!?!" jeans again and that gives me more choices in the morning. How many people go through the closet crisis every morning? To the rest of the world, it looks like you have plenty of clothes. But what they don't know is that most of the jeans hanging there won't go past my knees, some go to my hips, some zipper but OMG I can't breathe, a few fit, and one pair is my "go to" pair. Plenty of shirts - but some gap at the buttons, don't come down far enough on my hips to cover my muffin top, tight on my arms, or just plain makes me feel all "bulgy". So while it looks like I've got enough clothes for a week of leaving the house, in reality I only have 2 or 3 outfits to wear, wash, and wear again.
That's starting to change. And thank goodness. I was on the verge of shopping. I. Hate. Shopping.

My weaknesses this week were small in comparison (which is part of the success I'm feeling - yay me!). I am still very snacky at night. And my kids ate all the apples. And the store is just a mile away.... I've done pretty well on no late night snacking. Especially since I'm using all my calories by the time I finish the last bite of dinner. But being awake for another 3-4 hours after dinner - I'll have to find a solution to this. It's a very strong urge and when I give in, I feel guilty. I plan snacks for the rest of the day, I need to work a late night - healthy - snack into my plan.

Other weak spots? None that I can think of right now - I need to start logging them daily though, I know they're there.
Goals for this week:
I would still like to make it my goal to only weigh once a week but I'm not sure how that feels yet. And I need to menu plan. Soup at my desk EVERY day is going to be the death of me. I like the soup - but sometimes I want MEAT!! And more substance! And the feeling of "I planned for this - now I'm eating it - go me!
Finally, I really need to start working out. I keep saying that, don't I?! Ugh. Add that to my weaknesses for the week - I didn't sign up for any races and I haven't worked out (ok - yesterday I walked 1.5 miles to an appointment I had - but then got a ride back to the office..but I walked 1.5 miles!)

Ok - off to start my weekend. Meal planning, laundry, clean the house (especially the chocolate wrappers that are reminding me how good Cadbury eggs taste!).



Tiff said...

That is the most fabulous and accurate analogy of what our forever relationship with food is like- an ex bf that married into the family! Wow- how did you think of that! It's truly brilliant!

You're doing awesome and I too struggle with the idea of not really caring sometimes- but then I look at my list of reasons WHY I want to lose weight and I realize that I do care.

Keep it up lady!

LauraLynne said...

it just bounces around in my head - finding way to explain my relationship with food to people who just truly don't understand. I spent a VERY long time trying to explain it to my (now ex.) husband - he thought I should just "put the fork down" and that would solve it. Ya. Um. Because it's THAT easy..
Thanks for the comments!