Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Another piece of the puzzle!!

I'm driving to my OA meeting tonight, thinking about what's happened with me this week and thinking too about the questions for step 4 that I haven't done yet. And then it hit me. Like chocolate and peanut butter, 2 things you wouldn't normally put together but then you do and WHAM! Brilliance.
Ok, so a couple days ago I blogged about missing the punishment. And I've been pondering it since then, trying to figure out where it came from.
And tonight I was thinking about my childhood. And the connection dawned on me.
My dad abused me as a child - not in a sexual way.  When he got home, he would inspect the house, us, our homework until he found something "punishable" and then we would all line up for spankings.  Except they weren't really spanking - he used to beat us.  There's no nice way to put it.  There were spoons, belts, paddles, and in a pinch, his open hand.  When we wore extra underware to absorb the blow, we got MORE spankings.  He has ripped out clothes off in fury to 'spank' us. 
In his defense, it wasn't malicious.  He felt he was being a good dad.  In reality, I learned that I needed to be punished every single day.  And when he was no longer around (my parents divorced), I took over the responisiblity of my punishment. 
Only I couldn't spank myself.  So I started eating.  Binging.  Hiding.  Sneaking.  The guilt I felt afterwards was the same as the guilt I felt for being a "bad child" in my dad's eyes.  And to my adolecent brain, it was logical.  I wasn't deserving of reward or praise - but punishment?  Bring it on.  I deserved it.  I was "bad". 
I've never made that connection before tonight.  But it's huge.  A very large piece of the puzzle. 

The other epiphany that I had tonight is that my relationship with God is a lot like my relationship with the people around me - he will not do all the work for me.  Nor will he give me more than I can handle.  I'm struggling with my addiction and solving it one small piece at a time.  And God is helping me - in small doses, as much as I can handle at once.  He wants me to meet him halfway - do my own work and trust him to carry me when I'm weak.  My faith is growing - what a wonderful thing!!

I'm off to bed - enough revalations for one night!!



Scooter said...


I have struggled most of my life with being obese, I have chosen a different road than yours as far as how I eat but that is unimportant. what I really want to say is I had several blogs setup on RSS feed straight to my email so I know as soon as people post, and I can read what they have to say. I have cleaned out and deleted everyone that is not eating a very high raw diet except you! I want to keep my mind filled with readings of like minded people, but your blog is incredible, the depth of insight that you are finding in yourself is so uplifting. I can see so much of what you say in myself. The way you are able to put it down in words is something I have trouble with, but reading this blog helps soo much! Thanks again for helping to inspire me, and helping me work through some of my demons!
God Bless you!

Laura said...

It sounds like you have made some breakthroughs in your thoughts. God is wrapping His arms around you and protecting you when this all seems too much. Through your faith you will find the needed support for this journey "But whoever listens to me will dwell safely, and will be secure, without fear of evil." (Proverbs 1:33)

Amy said...

LauraLynne... what a HUGE HUGE uncovering of a lie that you believed that you deserved to be punished daily. O my gosh, girl!! That is a HUGE deep rooted lie!! So so glad that Abba uncovered that, and now you can know that the truth in what He says about you is that, you are worthy of love and kindness... you are beautiful and precious and delicate like a flower.... that His heart and hand will never harm you or punish you. Seriously wow!!

Thankyou for sharing this here... so open and so transparent.. I am just in tears after reading that. Hugs.. Amy

Amy said...

I was thinking about your last comment on working with God... He is so about partnering with you... yes, He could do it all on His own... but the fun part for Him is YOU ;) That relationship and closeness with you... when you partner with Him.. He so adores that!

Beautiful revelations today! Wow!