Wednesday, March 17, 2010

OA meeting tonight...

...and I still haven't started step four.  Not for lack of trying.  I've sat down and stared at a blank piece of paper several times over the last week.  I'm just not sure WHAT to write.  I have memories and emotions all the way back to infancy.  My mom jokes that I could describe the delivery room.  Trying to sort through all of that - most of it negative and ugly - seems overwhelming and I haven't quite figured out how to break it into managable sections yet.  I will ask for help at the meeting tonight.  I'm still mulling over my last epiphany - and my husband added something even more interesting to it. 
I do miss the punishment aspect of binging.  Somehow life seems incomplete without it.  I'm normally a very positive person as I've mentioned before - but without this punishment cycle, I have a hard time being so positive - for the first time ever, it feels insincere and untruthful.  I do not know how to treat myself well.  It's something I need to learn.
And in the midst of all of this - as my husband pointed out to me - that I'm not the only one who punishes me.  I have family and friends who are quick to call and make me feel bad.  About not helping more, about not being in touch, about all sorts of things.  And none of the requests are reasonable or healthy - but they're a pattern I've lived with all my life.  I'm expected to be the strong one - to rescue everyone around me.  I'm grateful for my husband and kids because they're collectively the LEAST needy people I know.  Them and a few of my best friends. (And just to be clear - I have friends who ask me for help - but they've usually put in a lot of hard work themselves before making that call.  AND they'll be there for me when I need it - the people I'm referring to are typically helpless and love playing the victim)
I'm not making much sense - but I'm starting to see the patterns that step 4 is asking about. 
It's not going to be easy - but some of those patterns have to go.  And I'm working on it. 

In the binge department - today I 'caved' and had a few mini Reese's.  I logged them (36 calories each...) and am trying not to slip completely into the abyss that is overeating and loss of control.  that's the scary part for me.  It's not the 36 (or 144 calories - eek) that bother me.  It's the feeling of slipping back over the edge.  I have a hard time - usually I'm all or nothing.  So using moderation is difficult for me.  Being comfortable with moderation is foreign.  Anyone else feel that way? 

Well - off to my meeting!  Later tater!



Drazil said...

Oh you are doing such hard mental proud of you. They always say you teach people how to treat you right? You deserve only people who support you in every is too short to deal with anyone else's toxicity. Keep it up - you're doing so great - this is hard but the end result will be so worth it.

LauraLynne said...

Drazil - thank you so much!! I know it's worth it in the end...the view from the top always is. The path there is long and hard but I will keep climbing!

Kelly said...

Drazil is right. Surround yourself with positive people. You have to!

And the moderation part will just take time. It's like learning anything new. Right now I'm trying to become a runner and the body has to learn to deal with that. Moderation is the same way. But with practice you'll get it. And eventually you'll just ease into a life of healthy habits. But habits take practice!

((HUGS)) Wishing you the very best on your journey. Love yourself and don't be so hard on yourself! Treat yourself like a friend. :)

LauraLynne said...

Kelly - what a wonderful statement: "Treat yourself like a friend" I will take those words to heart.