Monday, March 29, 2010

slow motion accident...

You know when you see them - or right before you see them - you know what's about to happen but in that split second, there's nothing you can do but squeeze your eyes shut and say a prayer. 
That was me last night. 
After a full day of negative thoughts - a friend posted up pictures from my husband's party.  I felt beautiful, and my hair and make up looked great, but there were a few photos - you know the ones.  I'm sure to everyone else they look fine.  But I can ONLY see the neon signs pointing to giant fat arms, saggy breasts, huge hips, giant rear end, wrinkles, and on and on and on.  I couldn't even convince myself of being anything BUT an obese beast.  Negative Self Talk.  Sonofabitch. 
All of the worry and thoughts and everything that leads up to a binge was there.  I have the tools to avoid it and didn't use them.
I ended up binging.  *hangs head low*

We went to the movies and on the way there, I struggled with all of the thoughts that had been accumulating all day.  My plan was to be able to go to the movie, bring my baby carrots, and find triumph in avoiding the popcorn, candy, and soda. 

We picked the movie, it was time to go and we were out of carrots.  And my brain could only watch the wreck that happened after that. 

But I can honestly say that while it was a binge, it was better than binging of the past.  We ordered popcorn and I chose a candy I could easily share (and would last a longer time).  M&M's were out - I don't usually share those and the one pound bag at the theater was something like 1,000,000 calories.  So I chose milk duds and told my husband he WOULD be eating half the box.  I split them up and handed his portion over.  I made mine last awhile - enjoying each one.  Mostly.  I was gathering speed with each Dud though.  I could feel it and I did NOTHING to stop it. 
My plan for the popcorn was to take it handful by handful out and keep track of how much I ate.  One popcorn at a time. 

About popcorn:  99% of the time, I'm very polite when I eat.  Mouth closed, dainty bites, correct silverware - it's a pet peeve of mine.  But with popcorn?  All bets are off - bring me the feed bag, I'm eatin' me some popcorn here!!  So being in control, counting the quantity, and not burrying my head in the bucket were all part of the plan. 
Here's where I did Ok.  I did eat it slowly, I did only eat a few pieces at a time, and I did start off counting my handfulls. 
Here's where I did NOT do ok.  I had allowed myself 5 handfuls.  But as I was eating it - and with the momentum I built with the Milk Duds - I ended up losing track of my handfulls and throwing in the towel.  I have no idea how much I ate.  It was more than the 5 I had budgeted for.  But like a drunk surrounded by bottles, the bucket was empty and I'm fairly certain I outpaced my husband, even a handfull at a time. So by my best count, I ate MOST of a large movie theater popcorn WITH butter. 

And, to make matters worse, by the time we got home, having skipped dinner, I was genuinely hungry!!  And hadn't gone grocery shopping.  And had a large bag of candy there. 

Ok - I did NOT open the bag of candy - that is safely handed over to my co-worker so she can deal it, I mean hand it out freely, to other employees.  What I did do was make an egg sandwich.  not bad, not great, not a binge. 
I spent the rest of the evening mentally beating myself up.  I was simultaneously trying to drag myself away from that punishing. 

This morning I'm renewed.  Still suffering from guilt - but back on track.  I dropped the candy off - bag still sealed, had my usual breakfast, snack, and now lunch.  And brought my running clothes for my long run tonight (my daughter has soccer practice, I'll use that time - and the track around the field they're playing on - to get my 4 miles in tonight). 

So there it is.  A bump in the road.  A lesson is in there somewhere.  And hopefully the scale is nicer to me tomorrow than it was this morning.  I will not lose this war. 



Sandy Lee said...

I think you gave yourself enough flagellation. So you are now allowed to move on. Sorry you had such a hard time but it happened and you learned some things. And you gave up the other bag of candy--I probably would have eaten them.

And we won't let you lose this war. We are all fighting together.

Laura said...

I think the most important thing is to let go of the guilt. You are not perfect. You never will be. Mistakes will happen, food will get the better of us sometimes. Learn from it and let it go. Guilt over not being perfect will get you nowhere. And you're right, YOU WILL NOT LOSE THIS WAR! (((HUGS)))

amandakiska said...

LauraLynne, Isn't movie theater popcorn with milk duds THE BEST? I actually mix them up and eat them together. I'm glad you've moved forward from this and I agree it is time to forgive yourself. So I formally absolve you of all guilt!

Lisa said...

Hold your head up. It happens to all of us.

Drazil said...

Miss LauraLynne - I know for a fact you absolutely looked stunning. I saw you in the pic with makeup. You were gorgeous. You are being too hard on yourself and seeing yourself through lenses only you carry. You are beautiful - I refuse to think otherwise. So there.