Monday, March 15, 2010

Things I miss..

Carefree grocery shopping
The feeling of biting into a reeses peanut butter cup
Feeling overfilled (yes, I really DO miss that!)
Binging. There. I said it.
I'm really struggling right now. Every meal I think about all the things I miss. A trip to the grocery store is downright painful. I'm really down and hanging on by my fingernails. I have an even longer list of things I don't miss. Including th 27 pounds that I've shed.
But while I've been feeling very hopeful and opptimistic lately, something slipped Sunday morning. Stress? Tired? Life? Just all of it. I haven't overeaten. But with as much as I'm thinking about it, it feels like I did but without the binging, just the frustration and guilt. I'm feeling broken. Abnormal. Odd.
I feel like people can SEE what's wrong with me. I know it's just me judging me. I can't seem to cut myself any slack. I'm doing great. But all I see is what I'm doing wrong. I'm beating myself up for no good reason!! Like someone is playing a negative soundtrack in my head.
I do need to change some things. I must start exercising. I must do more food planning. I must start celebrating my accomplishments. I must find the my faith in God to bring me through the negative times. I must start step 4. I must.
I can't pinpoint where all this is coming from. It was like a switch. I marched into a grocery store INTENDING to buy candy. And I did. But I bought ONE cadbury creme egg and I tracked it. I budgeted for it. But I haven't forgiven myself.
For what?! I didn't screw up. I didn't even fall off the wagon. I'm up slightly on the scale but it's less than a pound and I'm still on track.
But I've missed punishing myself. Where in the hell did THAT come from. Did you see the light bulb dear readers? I miss punishing myself. How's that for messed up??!
I'm pausing here. I typed that without thinking first. But it's honest. And frightening. But wow. Right to the truth. Gods words in my brain and out my fingers.
He is here in all of this. And he does not judge me. And I need to learn from that.
I can do this. Even on bad days.



Tricia said...

I hate so much to be judged by others, but I'll admit I do it to myself all the time. Why do I let me treat me so much worse than I'd ever allow anyone else to? Maybe we just gotta get tough with ourselves. Kick our own butts like we'd kick the butts of anyone who treated us so disrespectfully. You're worth it. Find some small way everyday to love yourself and maybe it'll grow...who knows, right? Can't hurt to try!

Meg said...

I'm sorry you are struggling, LauraLynne! Sometimes old habits are super hard to break. I've struggled with that as well. God will get you through it though! And you are doing great!

Laura said...

Wow! Seriously, brought tears to my eyes. Some of your thoughts could have come straight out of my head. Perfection will not happen. It will never happen and trying for perfection means ultimately we will fail. You are here, you are trying, and by journaling your thoughts you are hopefully going to have these hard moments less and less. Keep fighting the fight :) :) :)

FollowMeDown30 said...

Don't give up-you are doing really well! The thing is life is about balance. If you want to have a reese's once a week you can do. Just plan for it & track just like every other food. Real life is about making smart choices, but still being able to live.

Amy said...

You know, I totally get this!! Oooooh I do!
It's not crazy tho.. addiction is a bad friend... you know? lol!

It is a friend that is always there for you, but is slowly killing you. I miss it too at times... but it's voice has gotten quieter and quieter. I am almost a year into walking the food part out in this journey, and need to get my hind end into a OA meeting. you are inspiring me to do just that! Thankyou for your heart and open ness!