Tuesday, March 2, 2010


For some reason, Tuesdays seem to be my lowest weight day of the week. I'm not sure why. Eating at work is routine for me, everything is planned out and sitting in the fridge or in a can in my drawer. I'm a creature of habit. Oatmeal for breakfast, grapefruit for snack, a protein dense lunch, usually a fruit snack before I head home. 5 days a week. I'm good with that thought. I get variety at night and on weekends. And work is the most mine laden place for me to be. I'm in a cubicle by myself. There are several delis and convenience stores in walking distance, an it's typically been the scene of my binging. (is that spelled right??)

In the last 2 months, I've done pretty well at avoiding the binging by sticking to my routine. I have fallen back into it a little for my afternoon snack in that instead of fruit, I will go buy a bag of veggie chips to munch on. But it's not a good idea for

Me. It too closely resembles bad habits. And my brain just "goes there".

Remember how you love this?

Remember how good it feels to just crunch and crunch and crunch?

Remember that salty taste on your lips?

That's so gooooood....

But those thoughts, that munching habit, that mindless eating is what GOT me where I am now.

Mindless. Key word. As children, our bodies regulated what we ate, more or less. As we grew, or as I grew, something changed. Food ceased being nutrition. It became reward: if you behave, we will get ice cream! It became comfort: Your poor knee, have a cookie! We learned that food = emotions And as I reached my teen years, it became an addiction.

I'm not sure when it happened. Looking back, I can't pinpoint an event, an emotion, a catalyst for this change. I can remember the actions.

Stealing Twinkie from my grandma’s freezer. Using all my babysitting money to buy food - but never eating it in front of people, I hid it. In high school I started making frosting. Whole bowls. Powdered sugar, milk, butter, vanilla, and mix until creamy. Never even bothering to measure anything, taking the bowl with me to my room and consuming it. Hiding the bowl. Thinking nobody knew.

The actions I remember. It's the elusive WHY that bothers me.

I've watched shows on TV about addiction and the actions are the same. The drug of choice is different. The method of ingestion is different. But I find myself dancing along the familiar feelings. The frantic gotta have it. The relief when it's in your hands - just getting it is part of the process. That feeling of anticipation...probably THE strongest feeling of the process. Then the eating. That seems minor in comparison to what led up to it. Like the emphasis is more on the chase and capture than the substance.

When I was eating, it was like an off switch for my brain. I threw every molecule into eating. There is no stress, no pressure, not joy, love, or hate. I am devoid of emotion. The lights in my brain are off, the voices are silent, Elvis has left the building.

Until the food is gone.

And all the noise is back. And it has brought friends with megaphones.

Even as I'm writing this, I'm reliving the process. And the thought of the post eating feelings makes my chest tighten up and my eyes water. It's SO overwhelming. Like I imagine drowning in the ocean would feel. Dark yet loud. There's the physical pain of overeating. And the Guilt. The Self Loathing. Failure again.

I look at other addicts and I separate myself from my own addiction and I ask "why??". Why would you DO that? Can't you see what it's doing to your body, your family, your life???! I practically scream it at them. I don't know how they can't see the effect it has. I don't understand how they can't see worthy they are!! I practically yell at the screen to just put the needle/pipe/bottle down. It seems so easy - just walk away!!

And it starts to dawn on me. That IS me. And if people could see my addiction as easily, they would try and take the fork out of my hand. Gently and with love. Love I don't have for myself.

God, this is hard.

I need help. More accurately, I need to use all the help tht is available to me. I've been putting of starting my 12 steps. I've told my husband about this blog and some of my struggles but I hide a lot. Or maybe I don't. I put up a good front. Not just to the people around me, but to myself.

It's time to get honest. It's time to pull up my big girl panties and get to work.

Tonight I WILL start with step one.




Scooter said...

WOW!!!! Do not ever delete this post and read it as often as you can! I know I will, revelation like that does not come often in ones life, this is your ticket, and you wrote it yourself! I understand and live a lot of what you wrote here! God bless you and I will pray for you to have strength!


Kerri & Katie said...

We will be praying for you as well. You can overcome anything and everything, just seek the Lord first! He's always willing to help. You can do it!

Amy said...

Oh LauraLynne (((hugs)))

Oh boy, do I get what you are saying! I remember watching a show called Intervention, and just being dumbfounded at the story of an alcoholic and a heroin addict because I saw me in their stories. I did!

I am 50 lbs in my journey, and have been walking this out with my Abba God... but I have been feeling like I need some more tools like going to a 12 step program... ugh! Why is that so hard? I avoid it too!

What program are you thinking of joining? I am looking into OA.... just want you to know that you are on the right track . Do not give up, but keep walking forward and fighting for your victory.

LauraLynne said...

Intervention is the show I'm thinking of - I have subscribed to it on Hulu.
Thank you everyone! It's so nice to know I'm not alone, the what I'm struggling with is not unique to me.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment -- I appreciate that.

When it was suggested that I was powerless over food and that my life was unmanageable I laughed. I wasn't ready to concede that I was powerless over food, I was pretty sure that if I got my act together I could regain some sort of control, I controlled my way right into coe - or that my life as a result was unmanageable - I am a good mum, we have nice house, two cars, enough money etc..got a career, kids doing ok in school -- what's with this 'umnanageable' thing. Truth was that food dictated most of my life and what I did with it -- even what my family did...When we look honestly at the part food plays in our life, and the choices we make, it doesnt take too much to see that most times we concede the power to a donut, and our life goes down the tubes because we feel so **** about ourselves as a result.