Friday, April 30, 2010

Fabulously Uplifting

What a great way to start the day!  I got this award from a woman who's blog is one of the first I started following - she inspires me so for her to give me this award...well, I'm delighted and tickeled and downright giddy - thank you 266 (who's name I'm not sure of!!)
But go read her blog - she's amazing, 115 pounds gone and one of the most determined people I (virtually) know of!

And now the fun part - I get to pass it along!!!  The hard part is picking only 6.  So without further ado I give you, in no particular order, 6 bloggers who inspire me!

Skinny me...coming soon - read her here
Laura - read her blog here
Molly - she's found here
drazil - her brand of laughter here
Tiff - blows my mind with her commitment
Julie - I look forward to every single one of her posts!

I'll save my weigh in and April goals for another post!

Happy Friday everyone!


Wednesday, April 28, 2010

day 1 no sugar...again.... and finding an OA meeting

Today I read a blog that really finally pushed me over the edge.  In a good way.  I NEED OA.  I went to the meetings with my church group, got started, really had some good break throughs, but I can't do this on my own.  I need to quit dinking around and find a meeting to go to.  It won't be a quick fix, but I'm really struggling with the food addiction part on my own. 
And recently I've been lecturing a friend about their husband's addiction.  His addiction is gambling - and he's stooped to stealing from family it's that bad.  And he goes to meetings but - as she tells me - they don't HAVE 12 steps there, it's "too complicated with all the religion stuff."  So I've been preaching the 12 step program to her...hypocritical of me since I haven't followed through on my own meetings. 
Today I find a meeting and by this time next week, I will attend a meeting.
I am powerless over sugar. 
Last night after I blogged about day whatever without sugar, I thought I was safe - no sugar in the house. Then I saw the cinnamon toast crunch.  ARGH.  And I justified it by saying "it's only a teacup worth - that's not bad"  And after that teacup was gone, there was the usual amount of guilt - it wasn't proportional as I thought it would be.  Teacup of cereal, dump truck of guilt.  Mathmatically illogical.  But who says addiction is logical.
I need help.  I can count on one hand how many times in my life I've asked for help.  This one's a biggie though. 
Meetings.  12 steps.  Recovery. 
Here's to hope  *Raising my empty teacup in a toast*


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

day #2 no junk sugar

well, it's not quite over - but there's none in the house and I"m in house clothes already.  I had a great dinner:  single egg 'omlet' with ground turkey, asparagus, onion, egg, and laughing cow garlic cheese wedge.  It looks like something I scraped off my shoe...but man on man, it was delicious!!  And I had a bowl of strawberries for dessert.  Now I'm waiting for my husband to come home and watching Biggest Loser. 

That show has my in tears every it was the remaining contestants going to Texas to try and inspire other people.  They picked 100 people and they all did a 5k.  I ws doing ok until the final woman crossed the finish line.  She said: "I can't believe I did that - I can't even walk around Wal*Mart - I have to use a cart"

I want to be that inspiring.  So many people do that for me - many of them don't even know it - I read their blogs, look at their pictures, follow along as they battle.  We're all a work in progress and I hope that there are pepole who find me inspiring or, more accurately, feel less alone out there. 


blog crazy - but good quote!

so - the other day I blogged about my dilema with my daughter.  About revealing or concealing my addiction to her. 

and today I read this (on a website that's supposed to be humorous):

My kids don't know my tell them might destroy them.  Not telling them means they really don't know me.

That sums it up for me. 


all or nothing...

I've been sliding - and sugar's been the gateway.  So it's gone.  Not ALL sugar - just the junk stuff. No more chocolate, ice cream, blizzards, sweet treats.  I will still be eating my instant oatmeal and occassionally birthday cake (in very small qty).  I will still be eating fruits and natural sugar.  But I just can't do the junk anymore.  I'm obsessing.  I'm distracted.  I'm losing the battle. 

I do not want to lose!! 

So I'm fighting back by cutting sugar out. 

Today's actually day #2.  Yesterday was successful - including an impromptu "I'm STARVING" trip to the grocery store for a 9pm dinner instead of a drive through.  I marched to the deli for a sandwich and said to myself "no sugar, no candy, no sugar..." with every step.  It was my mantra. 

Our candy bowl at work has been empty while that coworker has been out with knee surgery.  She comes back tomorrow.  I will NOT partake, even if I "deserve" it.  What the hell does that mean anyway?  My brain tells me that - justifys - but what I DESERVE is to conquer my addiction and be healthy. 

So there. 

Happy Tuesday Everyone!!


Monday, April 26, 2010

This one's about food...mostly

I have a confession...I've been focusing on my running to much that I've let my food choices, well, they're not horrible but I've definately slid a little.  I keep allowing myself little treats - a bit of chocolate here, a hand full of M&M's there, grazing at a family birthday party - and last night 1/2 a small blizzard. 

Ok - not enough to kill me or even set me back much.  But I recognize the signs.  I'm eating when I'm not hungry, giving in to cravings, making excuses (did you know that running 9.36 miles burns 2035 calories - I mean come on - who wouldn't want to use a few of those on something indulgent?!)

But this journey is only periphrially about weight loss.  It's mostly about addiction.  My addiction.  To food.  And my journey to a normal relationship with food and eating.  And I've slid a little.  And I've justified it by saying it's not as bad as it could be.  But if I'd blogged - or journaled - during the past efforts - I would likely see the same pattern.  It all starts so innocently.  And I think I've got things under control.  And then a wave hits and knocks me feet out from under me.  And I find myself drowing in all of it again.

Well not this time.  I'm headed for higher ground.  I'm nipping this behavior in the bud NOW.  No more sugar this week.  And deliberate - planned - eating.  No grazing.  No impulsive food.  And back to logging.  NO MORE GUESSTIMATING.  That works fine.  Until I hit my calories for the day. Then I just stop adding and somehow my brain thinks that's ok.  Like the calories I ignore won't be absorbed.  Ya, right.

Ok - so there it is.  I've been focusing a lot on the running - which I realize is not what a lot of my followers care about (mainly anyway...) but I've been ignoring the food part.  Which is the most important part.  And I've confessed - to both you and to myself. 

And I'll just watch from up here as the waves sweep in and I'm working on my addiction from the top of the hill. 


Sunday, April 25, 2010





11.9 minute miles!!!!!!!!



Saturday, April 24, 2010

Almost forgot to post my weekly weigh in - and other news

Today I'm feeling pretty good about myself.  9.2 miles.  Me.  Run/Jog/Walking.  Me!  OK - enough of that... moving right along

Yesterday's weigh in was - drum roll - 204.2.  Ok, not spectacular but moving in the right direction. 
And I went and bought some new clothes.  Well, not new new 'cause I'm cheap that way...but thrift store new to me clothes.  Couple dresses, pair of pants, and a couple shirts.  I'm excited to freshen things up a little.  My wardrobe is stale..

And on tomorrow's agenda:  a 5k!  A race - and I'm excited because my brain says "It's ONLY 3.1 miles"  What a giant chage.  3.1 miles.  That's a long distance but my brain isn't freaking out over it.  That's a good change. 

Until tomorrow ladies!  Have a great weekend!!


Friday, April 23, 2010

run report

9.2 miles done.  mile 5.5-7 were straight uphill and I walked it.  total time: 2hours 25 minutes 25 seconds. 

And I napped instead of watching my son's baseball game.  My legs are DOG tired.  I anticipate hobbling in my near future. 

Thanks for the support everyone!


Want vs need

What I want is a nap. What I need is to run. Today my long run. I'm mentally tied up in knots. 9 miles. Me. That's the plan. The route is from home to my sons baseball game. My husband is driving and bringing my snack, a change of clothes, and a chair for me.
Blatantly asking for prayers, good wishes, and generally support. Thanks in advance everyone!!


Thursday, April 22, 2010

talking to my daughter..and admitting weakness

I had a big long blog last night on my phone while waiting for my daughter's soccer to end - but someone called and the Blogger ap didn't save ANY of I'll start from scratch, it's never as good the second time but bear with me:

I have a 16 year old daughter.  On the way to soccer last night, I struck up a conversation with her starting with "how much do you think I struggle with my weight?"  Her reply floored me.  She said that she noticed that I would get frustrated with my clothes sometimes but otherwise didn't notice much. 

I always figured that everyone could see my addiction, except me.  I've always assumed that it was obvious - like a neon sign flashing over my head.  And although I've have only recently admitted that it IS an addiction - I've always assumed that everyone around me could see that something was WRONG. 
But in hearing her answer - and trying to stand and look from the outside - I'm trying to determine what part of me kept this all so hidden.  And part of my struggle is that I HAVE kept it hidden. 
Utterly confused?  Me too...

So I decided that in order for my daughter to not go down the same path (I see signs but I may be projecting...), I need to be more transparent.  And the idea of that is hard.  Your mom is supposed to be your hero.  She's supposed to be strong and unflappable.  There is no mom-kryptonite - she is all powerful.  And while I haven't lived up to that exactly, yes, I am human, I am scared to death of openly admitting to my daughter that I am imperfect. 

Will she think less of me?  Value me less?  Will my 'confession' cast a shadow of doubt with her and her ability to trust me?  It does for myself. 

Knowing what I know about me, I DO see myself as 'less'.  Less trustworthy, less honest, less dependable.  I have a giant monkey on my back - and sometimes my addiction does take away from what I should be doing/thinking.  I don't always feel like I'm giving 100% when I SHOULD be.  I feel 'less'.

I try and give my children advice based on my experience.  But by experience, I usually mean my successes.  So how do I do that in this case?  I have NOT conquered my addiction.  It still lurks around every corner.  There are still days that it absolutely wins.  And I'm  unsure that I'll ever beat it.  I do not have that confidence.  I will win battles.  I HAVE won battles.  But the war?  It's still raging.  The outcome undecided. 

So how do I tell her about my flaws?  How do I brace myself for that look of hurt and betrayal that I feel is coming? 

But more than that - how do I NOT tell her, warn her, inform her??

She is the 16 year old version of me.  And I see some of the same behaviors that led me to where I am now.  And her father is abusive (but out of her daily life).  And because of that, she has low self esteem.  She has issues of self control around food, she has portion control issues, and she's been hiding some of her eating.  And I did ALL of that. 
The guilt is overwhelming. 

But our relationship is growing - with the help of counseling and lots of talking.  She's growing into a beautiful woman.  And I'm scared that the cloud over my head will be passed on. 
Scared isn't the right word - terrified.  Like seeing the oncoming headlights and not finding my voice. 

But this is important.  And like all things this important, I will do it.  This will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do as a parent.  Admit flaws.  Confess being human.  Reveal the softer side.  And trust that she will not get hurt in the process. 

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Wonderful Wednesday...

I don't have much to report on from a food or running perspective.  I'm having to plan my running more since the long runs take so (@#%@#$^) long.  My plan calls for me to run NINE miles on Friday - that's goign to take me over 2 hours.  So I have to plan it carefully.  And my son has a baseball game.  So - much to my husband's shock - I'm going to RUN to his game.  Google maps tells me it's 9.2 miles. 

My mind is BLOWN by the idea.  Truly.  And my nagging self-doubt voice - well, I'm trying to ignore it.

So training is going well - the race is on June 25th - which feels like so close yet so far away.  I'll have to figure out a maintenence plan for afterwards.  If I finish (and don't die...) I will probably sign up for the Malibu half marathon - a destination race!  It will keep me focused, or hopefully so.

Food wise I'm slacking a little - I'm not logging but I am keeping mental track.  I will log if I think I've forgotten something or I'm just not up for brain math.  I will also log if I think that I'm teetering on the brink of a binge. 

I'm frankly kind of bored with all of it - the scale is stale - the running just is - and the eating is dull.  I need to find a way to shake things up.  And I'm not sure what that involves.  I'm researching raw foods but haven't gotten very far.  Any suggestions?

And - for something new - Wonderful Wednesday - leave a comment with something Wonderful!!


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I forgot about FOOD!!

ok - so this will make NO Sense to some of you - and of that I'm envious.  But for some of you - hopefully at least one of you so I'm not alone - it will make perfect sense.

I keep track of food.  Like a food inventory.  Like an addict.  What food I have - how much is left - where it is, etc.  I keep better track of my food than I do my money.  (Can you be addicted to money?).  In any case.  Sometimes this causes me to obsess about things.  Like if I buy a treat for myself.  Let's say sugar free chocolate pudding.  And it comes in a four pack.  I can tell you off the top of my head how many are left and where in the fridge I left them at.  And some days I will spend all day thinking about the one pudding left in the fridge to the point where as soon as I get home, I will eat it just to STOP thinking about it. 

Yes, I know I'm not healthy. 

What I do as a "solution" to this is not buy foods that I'm likely to obsess about.  There's no junk food in my house.  Well, nothing handy.  There is a box of cookie mix, one box of cake mix, there were 2 boxes of brownie mix but someone fixed and ATE one (wasn't me - probably was my daughter), and my husband has some Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia left in the freezer (or maybe he ate it all - that's his inventory -not mine). 
Well, last week, one of the things I brought to work was a box of lo-fat Wheat Thins.  And I LOVE wheat thins.

And today, while I was trying to figure out what sounded good for my 10am snack - I realized - I FORGOT ABOUT MY WHEAT THINS!!  I mean, they're in my drawer, I saw them when I got my oatmeal yesterday and today.  And I saw them when I get my crystal lite from out of there several times a day - and OMG, I totally forgot about them!!  This is huge GOOD news.  I'm so excited. 

so 13 wheat thins and a wedge of laughing cow lite garlic herb - I'm going to try and forget them again!!

*happy dance*

View from my run:

I did the eight miles last night! I can't walk today...but I did it! Both kids did it with me - and I think they have a little more respect for my training now (my son thought he could just show up for a half marathon and kick butt - he's reconsidering his plan now).  I ran an out and back run this time instead of loops around my neighborhood.  It was VERY hilly - but I finished all 8 miles in just over 2 hours.  And burned 2002 calories.  Blows my mind.  I still feel a little 'out of body' in terms of taking credit for achievements. 
But like so many other things in my life - I'm working on it :)


Monday, April 19, 2010

Weekend up & downs...

My weekend was full of kids - driving my daughter to soccer 300+  miles away - then driving home the same day and driving another 60 miles to my son's baseball tournament.  Driving is a binge trigger.  I tried to prepare - I packed snacks and lunch, we ate at Subway (Club Salad for the win!) and generally I did "OK".  I ate some candy though.  I was tired, I was sick of driving, I was frustrated with the 3 girls we took with us - I had HAD it. 
So I had a bag of M&M's.  That was my reward.  Better than the past.  And I really didn't see it as a binge.  But it wasn't on the plan.  I'm stronger each time.  And that's a GOOD thing.

I didn't have time to run on Saturday - 4 miles was in my training plan but there was just NO WAY to do it.  I left the house at 6:45 in the morning, got all the way across WA state by noon, took a much needed nap for 60 minutes, watched the soccer game (we lost, bummer), then piled everyone back in the truck and headed west.  Fed the dogs, packed some clothes, and turned north for 60 more miles.  Arrived in Bellingham at 10pm.  Nowhere in that schedule was there 50 minutes to run.  Oh well.  I forgave myself pretty easily.  And the training schedule is modified.

Sunday morning however, I awoke before the alarm clock (go figure!) and we had some breakfast and headed for the baseball fields.  The area we were in was GORGEOUS and I had preempitvely put on my running gear and brought a change of clothes with me.  I used the odometer to see how far it was from the highway to the fields so that I could try and put in my 4 miles by running out to the highway and back again.  It was 2.45 miles.  So I planned on running 4.9 miles.  See - I can be flexible!  :)

I stopped at the fields, said good morning to everyone, soaked up the compliments about "dedication", being "impressed", and just general stares as I set out to run.  External praise counts for more in my score book. 

I'm still running 3/1 intervals: 3 minutes running, 1 minute walking.  The weather was perfect, warm, light breeze, clear sky. 

I got to the halfway point, crossed the street (I prefer running on the oncoming side of traffic), and started my jog again.  I let my mind wander and it wandered to a challege - the one to push myself more.  At the 3 minute mark, I kept running.  And running.  And running.  I ran all the way back to the fields!!  My time for finishing 4.9 miles was 1:04.  Certainly a personal best.  I felt awesome.  The whole way back I felt like a RUNNER.  The voices inside my head were cheering me on, supporting me, it was different.  For that alone...the run was a success.  I didn't even let my shadow tell me how fat I was (running with the sun at my back, I could watch which parts of me jiggle when I run - you would THINK that would be a bad thing!):
I was in such a positive mood that all I could hear was how I was CHANGING my shape - and how that jiggle would be gone eventually!!  This is such a monumental shift for me. One that I've been trying to tap into.  I hope I can continue...

My eating was pretty good - I've gotten away from logging my foods, I'm just frustrated with that - but I'm staying within my limits - logging the foods that I don't know the calorie counts off the top of my head. 

We had BBQ at a friends house - it was perfect, she fixed shish-kabobs and I was able to pick and choose what was on mine.  And a chopped salad that was delicious!! 

Tonight's run:  8 miles.  I think I'm going to try and find a more interesting route that running "laps" in my neighborhood.  We'll see how motivated I am tonight!!

Here's my husband reading to our friend's youngest - a picture that just tugs at my heart strings!!

(sorry it's blurry - I was sneaking it with my cell phone, I didn't want to interrupt!)

I hope everyone else had a great weekend - I'm trying to get caught up after not being online for nearly 3 days!!  Oh my gosh!!


Friday, April 16, 2010

weigh in Friday

well.  2 weeks of a lot of negative talk - quite a bit of binging, a gain last week.  It hasn't been pretty.  I've blogged most of the feelings but some of them are still quite burried and I haven't found words for them yet.  But today - I'm back.  Scale reads: 205.4
Я могу это сделать!
(I can DO this!)


Go Julie!

Julie is working her BUTT off - literally and figuratively.  And I'm one of her cheerleaders!!

WOOHOO!!  My high school dreams weren't dashed...only delayed!!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

two thumbs up from the Russian judge...

So, tonight, after a put a batch of Taco soup in the crock pot, I headed out for my training run.  4 miles.  I say that self depreciatingly - you just can't READ that online.  ONLY 4 miles.  MERELY 4 miles.  Not running the whole way, just intervals.  Anything to take the credit or joy out of it. 

The reality is I should be proud.  SHOULD be.  But my stupid head tells me "It's only 4 miles.  and you're not RUNNING all of it - don't be fooled, you're still fat, you can't run, so don't you dare be proud, even for a moment"


I should be proud.  I should at least not be so damn hard on myself.  As I was typing the above words out loud, the insulting ones, a thought popped into my head that made my eyes water a little.  That voice.  It was my dad's. 
Never good enough.
Never smart enough.
Never responsible enough.
Never clean enough.
Just Never Enough.  That should have been my name as a child. 
So how do I make that voice go away?  I could hire a hit man and ... ok.  Maybe not.
Recognizing where it comes from is a start.  Replacing it with something else is the next step, I think. 
(It's funny - I had an entirely different blog in mind tonight - so forgive my meandering...)
It's that negative voice that tells me "why bother" and to just give in when I encounter minor stumbling blocks.  Ignoring it doesn't work.  But it will be interesting to spend more time identifying the times it comes up - and trying different things to drown it out. 
My dad spends his life now trying to make up for a childhood of abuse.  He brags on me, compliments me, tries to paint a Normal Rockwell life out of the fragments.  It's made our reltionship as adults strained at best.  If he weren't my father - and my kids weren't part of the equation, I wouldn't ever speak to him - or think of him - again. 
Sad, but true.  He's re-written my childhood in his mind and has no concept of the depth of the damage he caused.
But I'm an adult and I need to figure out on my own how to fix this.  He can't.  I can. 

So - anyway - tonight on my run (yes, I am slightly ADD - follow the bouncing topics!) I heard a car coming up behind me so I moved more to the side.  The car stopped and rolled down his window and before I could get my ear buds out, the driver started talking to me.  Once I got the buds out, I asked him to repeat what he said.  In broken English, with a heavy russian accent, he says to me something along the lines of "where are you going?"  At least I think that's what he said.  I told him I'm running around the neighborhood loop.  He joked about offering me a ride (ok - or he said something about kidnapping me - there was definately a language barrier..) and I laughed and told him I needed to keep running.  he then said something about having seen me running around the neighborhood and gave me two enthusiastic thumbs up and a comment about me "looking good"  Or maybe "she puts the lotion on the skin".  I'm not sure.  hha.  I smiled, said thank you, and then put my Ipod back on and set off on my run again.  With a smile. 

So maybe - for a little while anyway - the new voice in my head with have a thick Russian Accent.  And keep telling me I'm doing good and keep it up. 
Until I find my own voice to cheer me on, The russian judge can keep giving me 2 thumbs up. 
And the negative voice, the one that sounds like my dad, can eff off.  (if only it were that easy!!)

PS.  I made taco soup tonight and froze 6 bags of it - I'm on my way to organized!! 


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Creating a Breakthrough

Thank you to Keelie - I'm rising to her challenge.
She says:
I would venture to say that for most people who are trying to lose weight and get healthy right now, it's not their first rodeo. We've pretty much all been here before and we keep ending up back in the same spot. Overweight, tired, frustrated, and desperate. Why?

Not sure. But I want to challenge you to do something that might help make this the LAST time you find yourself here. I really believe that this is the last time I am going to be here and the difference this time is that I set myself up for a breakthrough early on. After that day, I knew I could do things differently than I ever had before--in all areas of my life.

The way to do this is to set a goal. Probably a physical activity goal but it doesn't have to be. Think of a goal that is totally attainable and something that can be done in the course of a day, week at the most. The quicker you reach this goal the better. Now think about this goal and simply raise it up to the next level. A level you aren't quite sure you can do. This is key!

I'm taking her challenge. Tonight, after I get home, I will grocery shop and plan out 7 days of meals and snacks. they will be bagged, ready to go. Easy to cook and plan for late nights. Just saying that scares me a little. Ok - a lot.
But I'm going to start making my shopping list and planning it out. And tonight it will be done!!
Thanks Keelie!!


Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Yes, I'd like some cheese with my whine!!

I'm so frustrated.  No matter what I do, the nagging binging voice will not go away.  I feel like I struggle with it more than 'normal'.  This IS addiction.  I recognize that.  And sometimes I win the battle, I silence the voice.  But lately, and especially after this weekend, the voice is loud and obnoxious.  And convincing.  Today it was a box of Fiddle Faddle.  I mean come on.  Not even chocolate.  Fiddle Faddle.  I don't really even LIKE Fiddle Faddle, not really.  But that was part of the binge.  At least I wasn't binging on something I love.  That makes it ok, right?  Jeez. 
I see progress on the scale - at least mostly.  And I'm wearing smaller sizes.  And I friggin' ran SEVEN MILES tonight.  Could I have done that in December?  Not even with a gun to my head.  Then why can't I feel proud.  Feel progress.  Feel the effort??
I'm frustrated.  All of this feels like something I HAVE to do.  Like a chore.  I rarely enjoy it.  I like cooking - I like cooking healthy meals.  Tonight's was gorgeous, healthy, filling and under 300 calories.

But most of the time, I'm grabbing stuff last minute and it's rarely what I 'want' and feels like 'just food'.  I like preparing food and I haven't been meal planning.  I haven't been cooking, I've been eating on the run.  And I hate every minute of it.  What is my problem?!? 
Kids sports are busy - being gone for the weekend didn't help - but all of this is just my life.  It's not going to get slower, it never has.  I need to MAKE the time.  But lately I feel like I'm making myself do so much.  And none of it because I want to.  I'm just grumpy.  I need to snap out of it.  Blogging helps.  Knowing that maybe my struggles are helping someone else does help me.  A lot. 
On my run tonight, my husband joined me for the last 1.5 miles or so.  And I confessed to him this:  I want to quit.  And he said "well, we can take the side street home."  He didn't understand.  So I explained.  "I want to quit all of it.  I don't care about how much I weigh, I just don't want to work this hard ALL the time anymore.  I want to binge.  I want to eat "normally".  I want to quit."
It's not that I'm scared of hard work.  But I hate that all day every day I have to do things I don't enjoy because I just 'have to'. 
well, you all probably have meal planning to do.  I do too.  After I write an essay on why my daughter deserves to be part of a foreign exchange program, and put away 3 loads of laundry, and put out my clothes for work tomorrow, and bake a dish for an OA potluck (talk about pressure!!).  Then I'll meal plan.  Or fall into bed exhasted. Whichever comes first. 
PS.  Progress pictures are posted!!  I don't see a difference.  But there ya have it.


Monday, April 12, 2010

so...more about this weekend...lessons learned

Just to catch everyone up - we left town for the weekend on Thursday morning. Headed from Seattle to Portland where there's a giant swap meet and we've got a booth there that I work all weekend selling old car parts. I knew it was going to be a challenge from both a food point of view and keeping my half marathon training going. I knew it. And I tried to prepare for it. I packed a cooler full of food I could eat. Including some new foods that I wanted to try - Laughing Cow light cheese. All my running clothes (and then some!). A bag to tote food into the swap meet with me. All the tools.

We arrived (after a 4 hour road trip) Thursday mid-day. And I did well on the road trip and at the hotel. I even mapped out my run for the day. It was a 5 mile long run for the week.

We got settled into the hotel, I had a light snack (Yum - the Laughing cow cheese is amazing!) and I changed clothes to go running. 1 hour and 45 minutes later, I was still lost - and still running. I finally backtracked my way back to the hotel, mapped where I had been (nearest I could figure!) and my 5 mile run had become a 7 mile run!! Go me!!

Then...dun dun duh...I celebrated. We went to an Asian food restaurant where I skipped the soup and egg rolls but ordered a heavily sauces garlic chicken dish; and ate the whole plate worth. So much for my plan.

But I justified it - I had run 7 miles for crying out loud - certainly THAT was worthy of a plate of garlic chicken right? The devil on my shoulder won that argument, hands down.

I brushed it off.

Next day - at the booth - I've got my snacks and lunch with me. I'm prepared. Well, then I smelled the concession food. I WANTED a pretzel. So I ate one. And logged it. Still on track. But I was gaining speed in the wrong direction. Next was chocolate dipped ice cream…because I deserved it. And I wanted it. And I would log it later.

Ya - I think we all see where this is going. Dinner that night was in downtown Portland and a restaurant our local friends picked. No menu online let alone nutrition info. So I went in blindly.

Let me just start by saying - this meal, regardless of calories - was completely justified. The food was amazing. I mean out of this world delicious. And it's occasions like this that calories really don't count. Good friends, great food, truly an "event". So I ate with gusto. The restaurant serves crepes. So I had a small steak and gorgonzola crepe. Then the dessert menu was passed around and my eyes went blurry with tears – Nutella crepes?! My brain threw everything out the window. I was GOING to eat this. Dieting be damned. I’d start fresh in the morning.

And I did. Did I mention the buffet breakfast the hotel served? I did GREAT at the breakfasts. English muffin and a tiny scoop of eggs every morning. No waffles, no juice, no muffin or cereal. I was champion of breakfast.

Day 2 of people walking past with aromatic food. I had another pretzel. And another ice cream. And a small bag of chips. And my snack and lunch that I brought with me. I was on a roll at this point. Just trying to find traction as I slid down this slippery slope.

I reminded myself of how hard I worked. I reminded myself of 35 pounds gone. I reminded myself of my monthly goals. I reminded myself of my anniversary goal of fitting into a favorite dress. And I snagged candy out of a bowl with every trip to the restroom.

For dinner I put the skids on a little – Cobb Salad with no dressing. And no dessert this time. And I went on my planned 3 mile run. On a positive note – because this post is really lacking positive notes – my running skirt is too big on my now!! But that means chaffing – and lots of it. I’ve got arc shaped heat rashes on my inner thighs from the undershorts rubbing. *sigh*

And I was great at breakfast again – and brought snacks. But I was grumpy and exhausted and dealing with very little sleep and a lot of stress (raise your hand if you recognize the part of this paragraph that has “JUSTIFICATION” written all over it…if you said all of it, you’d be right!). I don’t remember exactly (that’s a bad sign…) but I’m pretty sure I had another pretzel and I’m even more sure I ate another ice cream. All before 10am. And before my healthy snacks that I packed. Lunch was a “fuck it – I’m eating what I want” French dip and fries – although I DID put half of it in a box before I even started. And I did NOT order the chocolate fudge cake that I was craving since I saw the picture.

So – today – when I got on the scale, a 2 pound gain isn’t a surprise. Not really. Not gaining 5 is a bit of a surprise…but 2 pounds that I’ve already lost once has to be struggled with again.

And today’s not been much better. I need to snap out of it. Compared to binging in days past – it’s not as bad. Compared to how I SHOULD be eating, it’s pretty bad. It’s mid-afternoon and with another snack and meal to go, I’m over my calories for the day. And I’m calling myself all sorts of names.

Accountability. Public confession and making promises to the brave souls who follow me (and those who stumble upon me). That’s what this blog is all about.

Tonight I WILL make up lunches for the rest of the week and meal plan. Tonight I will do my planned 3 miles of running – and I will spend the rest of my daughter’s soccer practice walking. Because I can.

And starting right now – I will forgive myself. Because God forgives me. I was listening to a Christian station in the car on the drive home – and one of the things the speaker said that hit home with me was “God Loves You Just The Way You Are. But He Loves You Too Much To Let You Stay That Way.”

I have made changes. And sometimes I slip up and fall back into old habits. But I’m capable of change and continuing on. And I will.

So thank you everyone for your comments, your support, your silent cheering (or is that jeering?) I read every comment and wish I could email you directly in order to express just how much it means to me that you take the time to read and comment. I’m so grateful that this blog is here for me – for you – for anyone who needs it!!



weigh in day - late - and up.

well, this weekend was difficult at best.  But the good news is that I'm over it.  209.2 and starting fresh today.  I'll talk more about it later.  I didn't dive in head first - but given the gain, I did make several less than stellar choices.  But better than in the past.  The journey is not over, the chaise lounge awaits me!


Saturday, April 10, 2010

Losing weight is like a day at the beach...

So the other day as I was running along in my neighborhood – my brain was spinning in its usual 1,000 directions. Anything but thinking about the physical torture I was putting myself through. One of the spinning topics were this picture: Losing weight is like a day at the beach. You look around, the sun is shining, the surf is calm, people are laying around in swimsuits just relaxing and enjoying themselves. But your beach chair, your swim suit, your cooler of beach refreshments are all buried under the sand…and you’re faced with a choice. Live life on top of the sand – a little uncomfortable and with the knowledge of all that awaits you if you DO the work … or just do the work. Shovel the sand. Reach your goal. But it’s not easy. You dig and dig and you rarely take time to step back and recognize the progress you’ve made. You only know that you haven’t reached your goal. That the chaise lounge, the fuzzy warm towel, the tropical drinks…they’re all below where you are. And you can’t stop digging. The sand will collapse, you feel like you’ll end up right back where you started. Maybe even worse like in the past. You NEVER get a break. You’re not even sure you’ll be able to stop digging once you reach your goal. That terrifies me.

I’m on ‘vacation’ right now. My husband’s business has a booth at the Portland Swap Meet every year and we come down here, hang out, work, and generally have a nice time. It’s no “vacation” in traditional terms but it is not our usual chaos. My ‘vision’ was based on the fact that I had to pack for 4 days away from home. Clean underpants for the duration and the usual assortment of clothes for spring in the Northwest (that means a little of everything – and layers – lots of layers). But now – since I’m trying to get healthy, since I’m training for the half marathon – it means a LOT more. I have to pack all my running stuff. I have to pack a cooler full of foods I can eat. And I have to pack willpower by the ton.

It starts with a 4 hour road trip. And I brought some Laughing Cow light cheese and crackers, some apples, carrots, and bread thins sandwich makings. And I said a little prayer that I could avoid ‘road food’ and the insatiable munchies that represent a road trip. I also packed some other food to try and save money and stay on the healthy track while spending 12+ hours a day at a venue with only fair food. Burgers, fries, pretzels, kettle corn, chocolate covered ice cream, and bratwurst – OH MY!! ALL my favorite foods (at outrageous prices) and no way to go anywhere else for food.

So my vision was stress induced, but accurate. I wish I were in the position to just call “truce” for a short time; to just stop digging for a few days and relax on the beach. But that scares me too much. I’m scared that if I let up for even a day that all my progress will just *poof* be gone. And I WANT my chaise lounge – my fuzzy towel – my damn tropical drink. I want to lay back and enjoy the accomplishment.

But I’m not there yet. I’m still digging. And I may lay down my shovel a little bit this weekend. But I won’t give up. I can’t. There’s a chair on the beach with my name on it!! Who’s going to meet me there??!



Friday, April 9, 2010

Out of town

Blogging from Portland Oregon! No scales here equals no weigh in. I did go in my long run last night. Was supposed to be 5 miles. But I got lost. So I ended up running about 7 miles!!! 3/1 intervals still and my legs are sore but I can do this!
I've got a ling blog rolling around in my brain but until I get in front of a proper computer, it's going to have to wait. Meanwhile, I'm working our company's booth at the Portland swap meet and there are people walking past with all sorts of yummy food. 10 steps away is the concession stand. But sitting at m side is my munch box (lol-my phone corrected my spelling of lunch box to munch box and I'm leaving it that way!!) and I've got my days worth of food chilling and I've got 3 days to practice my will power!!


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I finally tried greek yogurt.

I really wanted to like it! I don't really like regular yogurt but I will eat it when it's served. I do like custard style yogurt so the reports of Greek style being thicker and more creamy gave me hope. And more protein?? Sign me up!!
Well, today's snack was bread thins toast and yogurt. I could only make it 1/3 of the way through the yogurt before giving up. I had the strawberry flavored one and it was too thick and very grainy. I tried to give it a chance since I was expecting a different texture so I thought that might be throwing the taste buds off. But no, alas, no Greek yogurt for me. Bleech.

Later tonight I will catch up in how step 4 is going. It's a harder process than I first thought..but I'm getting through it.


Monday, April 5, 2010

Post run dinner for under 250 calories!

Tonight's run was "only" 2.5 miles.  I say that because yesterday was 5 miles.  But the training plan calls for picking it up a notch:  run 3 minutes, walk 1 vs. 2/1.  But my time for the same distance was a little slower - just proof that I waddle run as fast as I walk (I think I walk maybe even a little faster!!).  But I did it - another day in the books.  And for that, a 250 calorie dinner (my son cooked while I ran - but he forgot to cook anything besides turkey fruit it is!)

The even better news is that I've budget enough calories for a treat later on - I've been struggling with eating late at night, craving carbs.  So I'm going to try budgeting for it and having a bagel thin tonight when/if the craving hits.  We'll see. 
This is all about learning and adapting, right? 
So - here's a question for vetran blogger - I'd like to be able to respond to people's comments via email or privately, is there an easy way to do that?  Is there something I'm missing?  I thought I could reply by the email notice I get but ... dunderhead that I's goes to "noreply-something or another" which tells me it's not going to anyone.  *sigh*


Things I forgot about...

Eating a big meal at night makes me STARVING in the morning!  Usually I only eat breakfast around 8am because my co-worker does and we stand in the kitchen and shoot the breeze while stirring our oatmeal.  This morning, as I was riding the bus into work, my stomach was SERIOUSLY protesting.  If I had been paying attention, I probably would have noticed all the people around me staring...One packet of oatmeal and I'm feeling better.  But 10am snack time will probably be a different story.
Yet another reason for eating modestly!  It carries over and can be damaging later!!

And - I brought my book and notebook with me today.  I spent my entire commute (an hour) writing and working on step 4.  I'm going to end up with a novel's worth of writing.  I'm doing it long hand because that's what's easiest for me and it's so much more portable.  But darn!  I forgot how much holding a pen hurts <--- yes, I really just said that holding a pen is painful.  We type constantly.  And that's a different set of muscles.  Holding a pen and writing - those are muscles I don't use very often, heck, I barely even write checks anymore!  Long hand writing has me weak in the wrist today!

So how's everyone else's Monday??


Sunday, April 4, 2010

Easter at Olive Garden...yum!

Just got home.  One of the benefits of not being super close to my family is we didn't have any brunches to navigate, no large family gatherings to feel uncomfortable at.  Just church - and then volunteering in the nursery afterwards, and the rest of the day to ourselves!!  The kids got invited to my dad's house - so off they went right after church.  I did have a little moment of stumbling.  As a gift to the volunteers, there was a giant basket of candy.  And I was fine with avoiding it until, from across the room, there was a little glitter...a red and blue glimmer.  My nemisis.  I don't know WHY I obsess so much about some items - it's never obsessing with brocoli or salad or even chips.  It's always sweets.  Usually some sort of holiday candy.  Halloween is candy corn (I may have to leave the US for a month or so this year...I'm just trying to plan ahead), Christmas is sugar cookies, birthdays are cake...and Easter?  Yes, Christ died and rose.  Yes, he died for our sins.  And how do we celebrate it?  Cadbury Creme eggs.  The Holy Food of Easter.  And they were being offered as a reward bribe treat for the volunteers.  And I took one. 
Then I went to the room my husband was in and while I was still getting to the bottom of the egg with my tongue (yes - there is a method to how I eat them - it wouldn't be a "ritual" without that!), I saw the animal crackers.  I resisted them while I finished my Holy Egg but then helped myself to a half a serving.  And then another half a serving.  And while I wasn't out of control - I was standing back at the cliff. 
We left the room - and church - before I dove off that cliff.  We ate at Quizno's for lunch, I skipped the small salad I usually get and only got chicken noodle soup.  As we ate, I logged my calories.  Still well within reason and that slowly brought me back from the edge.  I can still see the edge from where I'm standing, but I'm on firmer ground. 
Tonight I did my long run for my half marathon training.  I don't want anyone out there to think I'm some super athlete - my training sounds impressive and I'm certainly proud of what I'm doing - but please don't get to the parts where I talk about running and mentally wander off.  'm a slow waddler.  I'm carrying lots of exta weight, I don't have a runner's body (26" inseam - hello short waddle strides!), and I'm really pushing my body to it's limits to try and train.  I struggle.  A lot.  And I'm sore as heck tonight.  Like almost couldn't stand up from dinner sore!!  Thank goodness we were in public and I had to maintain some sort of decorum!!  Today's run was 5 miles (opps - just lost a few of you - really, stick with me - I'm still in intervals and running 2 minutes, walking 1 minute - and only walking up the GIANT hill that's on my route).  I managed 5 miles in 1 hour 12 minutes.  I'm excited that I'm making progress.  But I'm more excited that I"m actually DOING it.  I'm trying to not give myself options.  I have to do this.  I'm signed up, I'm racing with my son, I have to do this for my health!!

Ok - so on to dinner tonight.  We decided not to sit at home and eat dinner in front of the TV for another night.  So we went in search of dinner.  First I wanted Italian - we have a good restaurant near the house.  But hubby didn't feel like Italian (that's going to be ironic in a minute...).  Which was fine - because I had planned to order a giant order of spaghtetti and not look at the nutrition menu.  I was staring at the edge again, toes hanging over, breeze blowing at my back....
We kept driving and we ended up passing over Red Robin (burger patty and broccolli is my standard healthy choice there) and he parked in the Olive Garden parking lot.  I was nervous but I steeled myself.  I got the menu - and the nutrition menu.  I started 'shopping' from the calorie menu.  And I used my IPhone ap to figure out how many calories I had earned by running tonight.  I had LOTS of calories (I earned over 800 from running!!) but I didn't want to use all of them.  So I got soup (Zuppa Toscana), breadsticks WITHOUT the butter (did you know you can order them like that?!), and salad with no dressing.  A had 2 breadsticks, 1 and a half bowls of soup, and the salad.  600 calories.  An amount I was willing to accept as reasonable.

So I made it.  Faced the cliff and backed away.  This time.  I realize that I have to take it challenge by challenge, day by day.  But today I won. 

Happy Easter everyone!


Friday, April 2, 2010

This is no April fools - it's the monthly goal review!

so - to recap March's goals:

Under 210 - Yup!  thank you very much!
Run 1 mile continuously - well, sort of.  training is going well and I'm running ~14 minute miles with 2/1 run/walk intervals.  I consider this goal achieved!

100 sit ups - Um... didn't even try.  Whoops!

Start working the 12 steps - I'm on step four and a little stalled - and still working on remembering to use the steps...but the goal was to start them and I DID do that!

Track all food daily - I think I tracked every day - I may have missed one day in there somewhere?

Sign up for April 5K - Yup! You have registered for the BELLEVUE 5K Run/Walk! 4/25/10 8:30am

Sign up for Summer Tri - not yet

Sign up for Fall 1/2 Marathon - Seattle Rock and Roll on June 26!

fit into size 14 jeans - I've got my size 14's on right now!  I still don't consistently fit in all 14's so I will modify this goal a little bit in the coming months and pick a pair of "goal pants" to fit into...

Take progress pictures - Yup - including April's

Make 5 new receipes - I think so...
Now - for April!!
Under 195
Keep working the 12 steps
Track all food daily
Sign up for May 10K
Sign up for Summer Tri
Train daily for Fall 1/2 Marathon
fit into goal pants
Take progress pictures
Make 5 new receipes
Weigh in only 2x a week

Rambling thoughts on twelve steps

Normally in my life, I choose some outrageous goal and go for it. Shoot for the moon an even if you fail you land among the stars.
Eating healthy, running, swimming, parenthood - all done with gusto. Binging, wild abandon. Work, play, it doesn't matter, I give it 150%. Keeps people guessing and makes life interesting.
For some reason, I haven't been able to do that yet with the twelve steps. I'm on step four. Which asks me to go back through my life, examine the history, find patterns, learn lessons, find reasons.
This morning, I put the book and my notebook next to my purse to take with me today. 120 minutes in the bus for my commute (there and back) and a slow day at work and I could make great progress in my writing. I'm in the bus - I remembered my lunch today - but my book got forgotten on the table. Why?? What block do I have to taking this step. It's a huge emotional task. But I need to face it. I need to work through it.
I'm feeling successful in my eating lately. But I know, even
from just last week, how easy it is to fall right back down again. There binging lurking around every corner in my journey still.
I still have struggles. Night time snacking is so hard for me. My brain tries it's best to go down tht road, the one that leads to binging. And my tools are strong, but not strong enough yet! I still have a long way to go emotionally. And it's the 12 steps that will not only help me get there but stay there this time.
I have some really hard times coming up. I try not to think about them, but they're there. Getting under 200 typically sends me into celebration mode. Under 190 is another one. And the pitfalls after that are a complete unknown and 10 times scarier to me. I haven't been under 180 in my adult life. So I have no idea how my brain is going to react.
But I do it, I need the help and support of OA and the steps. I've committed to running, I've committed to eating healthy - now I need to commit to working the steps.
Accountibility. Saying it outloud. Committing. That's my point here this morning.
Thanks for sticking with me - even for the boring word-vomit as I process some important stuff.


weigh in Friday - drum roll please!!

I hate running.  I really hate running.  But I do it.  Because it works.  And the proof is in the pudding.  Today's weigh in....205.6.  13 weeks, nearly 35 pounds gone!!  I feel unstoppable.  Until the next binge urges anyway...that reminds me, I'm throwing my step 4 notebook in my purse to work on today!  This isn't just about weight loss.  I have to keep reminding myself.

And pants are falling down, shirts are sloppy and this weekend it's time to go shopping in my box of "skinny clothes".  I've got April goals set - I'll post them later - and I need to pick out a pair of goal pants for May 1.  I'm going try and wean away from the scale, only weigh 2x a week.  wish me luck!!

Off to work with me - I'll post goals later!!


Thursday, April 1, 2010


so - last night as I was picking up my daughter from work (did you know DQ has a sugar free 50 calorie fudge bar?!), I headed to K-mart where I picked up a new scale.  I weighed in this morning - and made my husband weigh in too.  I'm only .6 pounds away from him now!  I will post my official weigh-in tomorrow like usual.  And then put the scale away until Tuesday.  For the month of April, I will only weigh myself 2 times a week.  I'm weaning myself.  Slowly. 

Last night I ate spaghetti - only instead of noodles, I put the sauce over zuchini - it was amazing!!  I could have eating 2 more servings...if only!  Sadly, I fixed my lunch for today and put it in the fridge.  Where it sits.  35 miles away from work.  And probably to be eaten by my teenager for her lunch today.  Tonight I'll go grocery shopping and do some meal planning.  We've got a lazy weekend coming up and I want to get some meals in the freezer for lunches in the coming weeks.  I need to get back on top of that, I've been slacking. 
In OA news - I'm still on step 4 - need to finish the activity questions.  I've been stalled here for a little while.  But I'll sit down and do it.  Soon, I promise. 

In other news - last night's running I used my IPhone and Pandora instead of my Ipod.  My son has put some obejectionable music on my IPod (from his friends) and I've been using that when I wore my capri's to run in (it's been HELLA cold here - running skirt = frostbite!).  Anyway - my mile time with the shuffle (and crappy music) was about 14:35 miles.  With the good - upbeat - music I like last night?  13:35!!  It does make a huge difference!!  2.5 miles last night.  And I felt pretty good. 

I've been having to break my running down same as my eating.  If I focus on the goal of running 13.1 miles in one shot, I get overwhelmed.  I want to quit.  It freaks me right out.  but if I concentrate on my training plan - and complete it one day at a time, it's managable and I AM able to do it!  My son says to me last night, "do you know you have to run FIVE miles on SATURDAY?!?"  I told him honestly, "Nope, I only know what I'm supposed to do today.  Tomorrow and the day after will take care of themselves".  My eating needs to be the same way (and mostly has been).  If I concentrate on today, I can manage my calories, my urges, and not binge.  But if I start to let myself think about losing another 57 pounds, having to NOT binge the rest of my life, all the feelings that go along with it - it's like an avalanche and I start to doubt myself. 

There's no doubt I've bitten off a lot (no pun intended).  Changing the way I eat on a daily basis is HUGE!  Changing the way I think about food, how I treat myself, how I treat my body - that's no small task.  It's a lifelong commitment.  But taken one day at a time(tm), it can be done.  And with God by my side, I can do it!!