Friday, April 2, 2010

Rambling thoughts on twelve steps

Normally in my life, I choose some outrageous goal and go for it. Shoot for the moon an even if you fail you land among the stars.
Eating healthy, running, swimming, parenthood - all done with gusto. Binging, wild abandon. Work, play, it doesn't matter, I give it 150%. Keeps people guessing and makes life interesting.
For some reason, I haven't been able to do that yet with the twelve steps. I'm on step four. Which asks me to go back through my life, examine the history, find patterns, learn lessons, find reasons.
This morning, I put the book and my notebook next to my purse to take with me today. 120 minutes in the bus for my commute (there and back) and a slow day at work and I could make great progress in my writing. I'm in the bus - I remembered my lunch today - but my book got forgotten on the table. Why?? What block do I have to taking this step. It's a huge emotional task. But I need to face it. I need to work through it.
I'm feeling successful in my eating lately. But I know, even
from just last week, how easy it is to fall right back down again. There binging lurking around every corner in my journey still.
I still have struggles. Night time snacking is so hard for me. My brain tries it's best to go down tht road, the one that leads to binging. And my tools are strong, but not strong enough yet! I still have a long way to go emotionally. And it's the 12 steps that will not only help me get there but stay there this time.
I have some really hard times coming up. I try not to think about them, but they're there. Getting under 200 typically sends me into celebration mode. Under 190 is another one. And the pitfalls after that are a complete unknown and 10 times scarier to me. I haven't been under 180 in my adult life. So I have no idea how my brain is going to react.
But I do it, I need the help and support of OA and the steps. I've committed to running, I've committed to eating healthy - now I need to commit to working the steps.
Accountibility. Saying it outloud. Committing. That's my point here this morning.
Thanks for sticking with me - even for the boring word-vomit as I process some important stuff.



Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Dammit, I only give 110%. You're making me feel like a slacker. OK, today I find an extra 40% somewhere and throw that into the mix!

Have a great weekend!

LauraLynne said...

hey Jack - I'm pretty sure that makes you sane and me, well, not so much. Join me in the looney bin, the pudding's fine!!

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

Everybody has the weak link in their life. I suppose 12 steps will accept only %100. I promise they will. :)