Monday, April 12, 2010

so...more about this weekend...lessons learned

Just to catch everyone up - we left town for the weekend on Thursday morning. Headed from Seattle to Portland where there's a giant swap meet and we've got a booth there that I work all weekend selling old car parts. I knew it was going to be a challenge from both a food point of view and keeping my half marathon training going. I knew it. And I tried to prepare for it. I packed a cooler full of food I could eat. Including some new foods that I wanted to try - Laughing Cow light cheese. All my running clothes (and then some!). A bag to tote food into the swap meet with me. All the tools.

We arrived (after a 4 hour road trip) Thursday mid-day. And I did well on the road trip and at the hotel. I even mapped out my run for the day. It was a 5 mile long run for the week.

We got settled into the hotel, I had a light snack (Yum - the Laughing cow cheese is amazing!) and I changed clothes to go running. 1 hour and 45 minutes later, I was still lost - and still running. I finally backtracked my way back to the hotel, mapped where I had been (nearest I could figure!) and my 5 mile run had become a 7 mile run!! Go me!!

Then...dun dun duh...I celebrated. We went to an Asian food restaurant where I skipped the soup and egg rolls but ordered a heavily sauces garlic chicken dish; and ate the whole plate worth. So much for my plan.

But I justified it - I had run 7 miles for crying out loud - certainly THAT was worthy of a plate of garlic chicken right? The devil on my shoulder won that argument, hands down.

I brushed it off.

Next day - at the booth - I've got my snacks and lunch with me. I'm prepared. Well, then I smelled the concession food. I WANTED a pretzel. So I ate one. And logged it. Still on track. But I was gaining speed in the wrong direction. Next was chocolate dipped ice cream…because I deserved it. And I wanted it. And I would log it later.

Ya - I think we all see where this is going. Dinner that night was in downtown Portland and a restaurant our local friends picked. No menu online let alone nutrition info. So I went in blindly.

Let me just start by saying - this meal, regardless of calories - was completely justified. The food was amazing. I mean out of this world delicious. And it's occasions like this that calories really don't count. Good friends, great food, truly an "event". So I ate with gusto. The restaurant serves crepes. So I had a small steak and gorgonzola crepe. Then the dessert menu was passed around and my eyes went blurry with tears – Nutella crepes?! My brain threw everything out the window. I was GOING to eat this. Dieting be damned. I’d start fresh in the morning.

And I did. Did I mention the buffet breakfast the hotel served? I did GREAT at the breakfasts. English muffin and a tiny scoop of eggs every morning. No waffles, no juice, no muffin or cereal. I was champion of breakfast.

Day 2 of people walking past with aromatic food. I had another pretzel. And another ice cream. And a small bag of chips. And my snack and lunch that I brought with me. I was on a roll at this point. Just trying to find traction as I slid down this slippery slope.

I reminded myself of how hard I worked. I reminded myself of 35 pounds gone. I reminded myself of my monthly goals. I reminded myself of my anniversary goal of fitting into a favorite dress. And I snagged candy out of a bowl with every trip to the restroom.

For dinner I put the skids on a little – Cobb Salad with no dressing. And no dessert this time. And I went on my planned 3 mile run. On a positive note – because this post is really lacking positive notes – my running skirt is too big on my now!! But that means chaffing – and lots of it. I’ve got arc shaped heat rashes on my inner thighs from the undershorts rubbing. *sigh*

And I was great at breakfast again – and brought snacks. But I was grumpy and exhausted and dealing with very little sleep and a lot of stress (raise your hand if you recognize the part of this paragraph that has “JUSTIFICATION” written all over it…if you said all of it, you’d be right!). I don’t remember exactly (that’s a bad sign…) but I’m pretty sure I had another pretzel and I’m even more sure I ate another ice cream. All before 10am. And before my healthy snacks that I packed. Lunch was a “fuck it – I’m eating what I want” French dip and fries – although I DID put half of it in a box before I even started. And I did NOT order the chocolate fudge cake that I was craving since I saw the picture.

So – today – when I got on the scale, a 2 pound gain isn’t a surprise. Not really. Not gaining 5 is a bit of a surprise…but 2 pounds that I’ve already lost once has to be struggled with again.

And today’s not been much better. I need to snap out of it. Compared to binging in days past – it’s not as bad. Compared to how I SHOULD be eating, it’s pretty bad. It’s mid-afternoon and with another snack and meal to go, I’m over my calories for the day. And I’m calling myself all sorts of names.

Accountability. Public confession and making promises to the brave souls who follow me (and those who stumble upon me). That’s what this blog is all about.

Tonight I WILL make up lunches for the rest of the week and meal plan. Tonight I will do my planned 3 miles of running – and I will spend the rest of my daughter’s soccer practice walking. Because I can.

And starting right now – I will forgive myself. Because God forgives me. I was listening to a Christian station in the car on the drive home – and one of the things the speaker said that hit home with me was “God Loves You Just The Way You Are. But He Loves You Too Much To Let You Stay That Way.”

I have made changes. And sometimes I slip up and fall back into old habits. But I’m capable of change and continuing on. And I will.

So thank you everyone for your comments, your support, your silent cheering (or is that jeering?) I read every comment and wish I could email you directly in order to express just how much it means to me that you take the time to read and comment. I’m so grateful that this blog is here for me – for you – for anyone who needs it!!




mbm1forever said...

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Laura said...

It happens. We let it happen to ourselves time and time again. It is a huge part of the reason that we are in this battle together, fighting to get the weight off. You are doing this. Forgive yourself, learn from it, and move on. This is just a bump in this road. (((HUGS)))

Morgan said...

Ugh, I am in the same place with the eating right now - and if my husband hadn't hidden my scale I am sure I would see a gain. Way to be positive about it though and planning on turning it around. I'm rooting for you!

amandakiska said...

Traveling is hard. Good job on sticking to your work out routine.