Thursday, April 15, 2010

two thumbs up from the Russian judge...

So, tonight, after a put a batch of Taco soup in the crock pot, I headed out for my training run.  4 miles.  I say that self depreciatingly - you just can't READ that online.  ONLY 4 miles.  MERELY 4 miles.  Not running the whole way, just intervals.  Anything to take the credit or joy out of it. 

The reality is I should be proud.  SHOULD be.  But my stupid head tells me "It's only 4 miles.  and you're not RUNNING all of it - don't be fooled, you're still fat, you can't run, so don't you dare be proud, even for a moment"


I should be proud.  I should at least not be so damn hard on myself.  As I was typing the above words out loud, the insulting ones, a thought popped into my head that made my eyes water a little.  That voice.  It was my dad's. 
Never good enough.
Never smart enough.
Never responsible enough.
Never clean enough.
Just Never Enough.  That should have been my name as a child. 
So how do I make that voice go away?  I could hire a hit man and ... ok.  Maybe not.
Recognizing where it comes from is a start.  Replacing it with something else is the next step, I think. 
(It's funny - I had an entirely different blog in mind tonight - so forgive my meandering...)
It's that negative voice that tells me "why bother" and to just give in when I encounter minor stumbling blocks.  Ignoring it doesn't work.  But it will be interesting to spend more time identifying the times it comes up - and trying different things to drown it out. 
My dad spends his life now trying to make up for a childhood of abuse.  He brags on me, compliments me, tries to paint a Normal Rockwell life out of the fragments.  It's made our reltionship as adults strained at best.  If he weren't my father - and my kids weren't part of the equation, I wouldn't ever speak to him - or think of him - again. 
Sad, but true.  He's re-written my childhood in his mind and has no concept of the depth of the damage he caused.
But I'm an adult and I need to figure out on my own how to fix this.  He can't.  I can. 

So - anyway - tonight on my run (yes, I am slightly ADD - follow the bouncing topics!) I heard a car coming up behind me so I moved more to the side.  The car stopped and rolled down his window and before I could get my ear buds out, the driver started talking to me.  Once I got the buds out, I asked him to repeat what he said.  In broken English, with a heavy russian accent, he says to me something along the lines of "where are you going?"  At least I think that's what he said.  I told him I'm running around the neighborhood loop.  He joked about offering me a ride (ok - or he said something about kidnapping me - there was definately a language barrier..) and I laughed and told him I needed to keep running.  he then said something about having seen me running around the neighborhood and gave me two enthusiastic thumbs up and a comment about me "looking good"  Or maybe "she puts the lotion on the skin".  I'm not sure.  hha.  I smiled, said thank you, and then put my Ipod back on and set off on my run again.  With a smile. 

So maybe - for a little while anyway - the new voice in my head with have a thick Russian Accent.  And keep telling me I'm doing good and keep it up. 
Until I find my own voice to cheer me on, The russian judge can keep giving me 2 thumbs up. 
And the negative voice, the one that sounds like my dad, can eff off.  (if only it were that easy!!)

PS.  I made taco soup tonight and froze 6 bags of it - I'm on my way to organized!! 



Sandy Lee said...

Too funny. Maybe you should make a tape of the Russian accented positive thoughts. Great that you got out and ran though.

amandakiska said...

That is hysterical! I'm glad you are becoming aware of the "bad" voice and might be able to replace it with the "good" Russian voice. I'm also glad you weren't kidnapped!

LauraLynne said...

I'm glad I wasn't kidnapped too! it's a small neighborhood though, someone would have heard my screaming from the pit in his basement...

Physicallee Fit said...

Only 4 miles? Yeah, I'm not there yet.

Good job! If it helps, pretend that I said it with a Russian accent. :)

Cindy said...

Good job! Watch out for the slave trade lol! Anyway, you are doing great. I had (have) that same voice in my head, do we have the same father lol?? Keep it up!!

LauraLynne said...

cindy - Does your dad have red horns, a tail and carry a pitchfork - maybe it IS the same guy!! ;)