Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Yes, I'd like some cheese with my whine!!

I'm so frustrated.  No matter what I do, the nagging binging voice will not go away.  I feel like I struggle with it more than 'normal'.  This IS addiction.  I recognize that.  And sometimes I win the battle, I silence the voice.  But lately, and especially after this weekend, the voice is loud and obnoxious.  And convincing.  Today it was a box of Fiddle Faddle.  I mean come on.  Not even chocolate.  Fiddle Faddle.  I don't really even LIKE Fiddle Faddle, not really.  But that was part of the binge.  At least I wasn't binging on something I love.  That makes it ok, right?  Jeez. 
I see progress on the scale - at least mostly.  And I'm wearing smaller sizes.  And I friggin' ran SEVEN MILES tonight.  Could I have done that in December?  Not even with a gun to my head.  Then why can't I feel proud.  Feel progress.  Feel the effort??
I'm frustrated.  All of this feels like something I HAVE to do.  Like a chore.  I rarely enjoy it.  I like cooking - I like cooking healthy meals.  Tonight's was gorgeous, healthy, filling and under 300 calories.

But most of the time, I'm grabbing stuff last minute and it's rarely what I 'want' and feels like 'just food'.  I like preparing food and I haven't been meal planning.  I haven't been cooking, I've been eating on the run.  And I hate every minute of it.  What is my problem?!? 
Kids sports are busy - being gone for the weekend didn't help - but all of this is just my life.  It's not going to get slower, it never has.  I need to MAKE the time.  But lately I feel like I'm making myself do so much.  And none of it because I want to.  I'm just grumpy.  I need to snap out of it.  Blogging helps.  Knowing that maybe my struggles are helping someone else does help me.  A lot. 
On my run tonight, my husband joined me for the last 1.5 miles or so.  And I confessed to him this:  I want to quit.  And he said "well, we can take the side street home."  He didn't understand.  So I explained.  "I want to quit all of it.  I don't care about how much I weigh, I just don't want to work this hard ALL the time anymore.  I want to binge.  I want to eat "normally".  I want to quit."
It's not that I'm scared of hard work.  But I hate that all day every day I have to do things I don't enjoy because I just 'have to'. 
well, you all probably have meal planning to do.  I do too.  After I write an essay on why my daughter deserves to be part of a foreign exchange program, and put away 3 loads of laundry, and put out my clothes for work tomorrow, and bake a dish for an OA potluck (talk about pressure!!).  Then I'll meal plan.  Or fall into bed exhasted. Whichever comes first. 
PS.  Progress pictures are posted!!  I don't see a difference.  But there ya have it.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

7 comments:

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

So sorry about your struggles. If it's any comfort, I think we all want to quit sometimes. Keep up the good work though. Seven miles is very impressive! BTW, what is that dish! It looks great!

LauraLynne said...

ground turkey 'taco' - cheese, lettuce leaf, tomato, ground turkey with taco seasoning...nothing spectacular, but I'm a very visual eater...so things like this make me happy...

Physicallee Fit said...

This too shall pass. If you just push through a little bit, what amazing outcome (physical, mental or emtional) will be on the other side?

I'm sorry it's hard right now.

mbm1forever said...

Sorry about this never ending struggle. Have you given meal replacements a thought? From your post it sounds like part of your struggle is not being prepared for meals. I have been doing Medifast and have the same issue as you. I find that this takes the guess work out and I am always prepared. I have managed to lose 58 since November 1 and I don't know that I would be so successful without this program. Don't know how this will go when I transition to maintenance, so I can't tell you that part, but at least the weight is coming off at a pace I can handle. Just a thought!

Morgan said...

Laura, you could be talking about me in this post (except for the running 7 miles - I can't do that yet.) In fact, I am working on a post similar to this about my own life right now. I am sorry you are struggling, but it is good for me, and hopefully for you, to know that I am not alone. I know that you have been working so hard, and I am hopeful that the wave of motivation will crash over you again.

LauraLynne said...

Thank you everyone for your comments - it really DOES make a difference to hear from you. I can honestly say that this blog is one of the reasons I keep pushing through the barriers.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!

LauraLynne said...

Scooter said...
LauraLynne,

You know I have been following your blog for quite sometime now, and I have dropped a few lines in to you along the way. But I have not gotten into one of the things that has changed my life, because it is hard for me to explain in writing, and some people just aren't receptive. I have been where you are at so many times. I used to weigh between 335 and 355 pounds, oh yeah every new years I would go on a diet and drop 30 pounds in 3 months and then I would just quit and go back to what made me comfortable. Basically I would end up where you are right now and I WOULD quit. But this time has been different, I am well passed my stopping point of the past, in weight. This time when those feelings you are describing come they are so much less intense, and you can easily brush them off. There is so much power and healing in the Journey I have decided to go on.

I started Jan 20th doing like you are working out daily and trying to eat "healthy" food, and by Feb 20th I had lost 15 lbs. not too bad for one month, Basically exactly what you had done in your first month. then I was introduced to something so different, and my first knee jerk reaction was no way not me I am a meat and potatoes guy and you are a fanatic! But it was just enough of a seed in my mind that I started researching this new (actually very old) way of eating. The more I researched the more sense it made and I decided to adapt this lifestyle. It is not a diet and should not be looked at that way, it is a lifestyle change, and the changes it makes in your life are fantastic.

Since Feb 20th when I lost 15 pounds the first month I lost 30 pounds by March 20th, yep doubled my weight loss and that was just over a pound each day. No I was not hungry, and no it was not difficult, actually it just keeps getting easier as I continue to live this way. Then from March 20th to today I have lost another20 pounds, that is 65 total since Jan 20th and 50 in less than 2 months!

So what am I doing, I am eating very high raw. Yes it can be as simple as substituting your normal snacks for apples, but if you really do some research and you try it out for just a couple of weeks you will be amazed at what your body can do. No I am not 100% raw, I do not like to get caught up in the numbers and I do go out with the in-laws every Sat night and we go to Logan's. I do make wise decisions there, typically grilled salmon, and grilled or steamed veggies. I do not eat the yeast rolls as those are death! LOL But the other 21 to 27 meals each week are 95+% raw.

I can see your zest for life and I know you want to thrive. Let me tell you we can survive on cooked foods, but if you want to see what is possible in your life and you want to thrive, do some research! Cause raw food allows anyone to not just survive but to THRIVE!

It is not all bliss, you have some up days and some down days, especially in the beginning, but the down days are quickly outnumbered by the up days and the down days get less and less intense in a short period of time.

If you are not interested just do nothing and I will never bring it up again as I know not everyone is.

If you are interested let me know by replying back and I can provide you with so many resources, great blogs and you tube channels etc. Plus I would give you my phone number so we could chat even more and I can talk it better than I can write it! LOL

I hope I did not upset you or anyone with this post I just felt your blog today pull on me so hard as I have been where you are at, and I just felt it was time to offer as much as I could to see you succeed!

Scott

April 14, 2010 10:32 AM