Saturday, May 1, 2010

Can I borrow your eyes?

What do I see when I look in the mirror?
I see lines starting to form on my forehead.
I see, at 41, the lines all women dread
I see creases when smiles alight.
I see hair too frizzy and never quite right.
I see shoulders too broad and breasts that sag.
I see arms too weak with batwings that bag.
I see a rounded stomach where flat should be.
I see hips too wide for all to see.
I see thighs with bags and knees too fat.
I see calves so large, I hate that.
Not much about the image I see
Makes me happy or jump with glee.
But change is coming – count on this
And someday my image will fill me with bliss.

Ok – corny, I know. But at the root of all of this was something that happened today. When I’m unhappy with myself, I rarely look in the mirror. I have wash and go hair and I don’t wear makeup. I’ve learned to put in contacts without mirrors – if they all were taken out of the house, I wouldn’t miss them, not one bit. I have a very distorted image of myself. I know that. Rationally, I know my brain is like a funhouse mirror and things aren’t nearly as bad as they seem.

Today I saw myself through my husband’s eyes. As we were showering (yes, we shower together – conservation dontchaknow! *wink*) and he starts pointing out on my where my body’s changed. He notices everything. He was happy to narrate his way through all of it: “there’s definitely more curve inward here, less curve outward here, there’s a crease between your legs and your butt, your calves are definitely smaller…” etc. He went on for awhile. And I’ve been savoring his words in my brain all day long. How I wish I could borrow his eyes every now and then and really see myself.

I can take pictures – and even when I’m feeling good about myself, pictures always bring me back down to earth.

One of my biggest goals to for my brain to sync with my image. I want to look like I feel. I want to NOT be shocked when I see pictures of myself. I want to see me how my husband sees me. I want to cherish the image in the mirror, not avoid it.

I’ve found an OA meeting to go to – I chickened out this morning – but my brain is definitely realizing how much help I need. I read an OA blog the other day that mentioned no sugar – ever again. Sugar is definitely one of my triggers and I may not want to admit it but I KNOW it’s something I have to leave behind. For good. That thought sends me immediately into panic mode. But what about birthday cake – what about wedding cake, our first anniversary is this August – what about *fill in the blank*.  I sat in my car at the grocery store tonight making my mental shopping list.  And crossing chocolate off of it.  And crossing it off again as it magically appeared.  After several minutes, I finally went in.  And ended up with M&M's.  I am not in control and need help with this. 

This behavior is even MORE evidence that I need OA and I need to get a handle on my addiction.

I’ve been running away from that fact. Literally. I’ve been redirecting my focus on marathon training. I’m not giving up on the training – I’m still determined – but I realize now that there are 2 issues. One is getting healthy physically and the other is dealing with my addiction. Neither task is bigger – or more important – than the other. They go hand in hand.

Next Saturday will be my first OA meeting – I will go. Fears and all.

And before I forget – weigh in this week was 202.4 – down again despite some off track eating. I’m almost disappointed by that. Rewarded for bad behavior. But I’m excited to be closer to 199.

Tomorrow I’ll wrap up April and list my May goals!




Girl Bandit said...

Oh how fabulous that you and your husband shower together and that he sweet. Just found your blog...

Aylilth said...

It's so nice when our partner's notice eah, mine said he noticed it in my face not long ago.

And that little poem was great!!

anne h said...

Cute story, good writing....
And don't worry....
It happens one little day at time...
But it does happen!

Wishful Shrinking said...

LauraLynn I think body dysmorphia is rampent after Weight loss surgery we used to talk about it all the time in the support groups in my neck of the woods.

I understand the fear of walking into your first OA room. I told myself I would go right after my vacation in Feb. Well I saw that there was a once a month newbie welcome meeting and first went to that one for a taste of it before I jumped with both feet. It bought me 2 weeks. It is like one of my favorite quotes: There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
- Anais Nin

I wish you well in your journey!

Sandy Lee said...

My brain isn't in sync with my brain either. I through out a lot of digital pictures before I find one I like. We'll get there.

What a lovely DH you have. And we all have to do our part in conserving water. I think you need to do more conserving so you can see yourself through him.

to dream the KIMpossible dream said...

Hi there! Happened across your blog when you commented on another blog we both read. Just wanted you to know sugar was a huge trigger for me, as well. I started South Beach on July 6th of last year and have lost 93.6 lbs since. You would be surprised at how AFTER A WHILE once you start saying "no" to cookies, cakes, pies, and ice cream, it becomes easier and easier and eventually you just don't even want it. I'm not saying SB is for you...everyone has to find their own thing, but I'm saying that you can do whatever you put your mind to!!! =) Oh and Happy Trails - I'm in training for a Half (and then a Full) marathon! =)

Drazil said...

I feel the same about sugar and your words could be mine. Go to OA - you can do it - I know you can.

Buzzy & Breezelys Mama said...

That is awesome that you could see your changing body if only for a moment through your hubbys eyes. I hope you get more of these moments where you can appreciate the prgress you are making. I left something for you on my blog. Check it out.