Wednesday, May 5, 2010

day 1 - and a little revelation that helped

so...yesterday wasn't so good.  I went to the candy bowl more often than I can even remember (is there a medical chocolate black out?) and I ate a large lunch (leftovers of roast and rice-a-roni).  I was in the midst of a slide - and gaining speed.  As I realized I was going to have to go out and run (it was a 5.6 mile day - I love how that just rolls off my tongue now!), I decided that all this eating was just plain stupid and I was out of control.  So I stopped for a moment and put everything I ate into my tracker.  Now here's the part that confuses some people.  With my run calories, I was still 300 calories UNDER for the day. 
In most people's books - that's a win.  For me, it's not just the calories, it's the feelings, the emotions, the "eff it, you're not worth saving" mentality.  It's also the sneaking, the obsessing, the utter feeling of loss of control.  THOSE are the things I want to "fix".  The weight?  Sure, it'd be great to weigh less - name ONE woman who doesn't think that.  But really I want the head games under control.  I want to be able to walk past the candy bowl without a tidal wave of emotions.  I want to turn down the leftovers in the office kitchen, I want to grocery shop without the tears. 
And it's all up to me.  So today is Day 1 (again - I feel pathetic). 
I will track every morsal
I will NOT eat candy.
I will stay current on my running plan
I will continue to plan on going to the OA meeting on Saturday.
I will work towards my goals. 

So there.  And I will post up my goals results for April and my new goals for May later today. 

And it's Wonderful Wednesday!  How about comments with your favorite quotes!



Laura said...

I want to point out something really important, you were in control... you did stop. You tracked it, you identified that you were starting to eat without thought, you took back the control that you felt slipping. So, count this as day 1 if you need to, but Laura Lynne, in my book you were still in control.

I totally get the need to take emotion out of eating though, I think it is really good to journal when those moments happen and really identify what was going on in your mind when it happened. That way, the next time you start to have those emotions, maybe you can have a plan for how to deal. You are doing awesome Laura Lynne, don't forget to give yourself credit for the things you are doing right, even when other things are going wrong!

LauraLynne said...

thank you. *sigh* I just want it to be easy and I have to be ok with the fact that it's not. :)