Thursday, May 6, 2010

I was in the middle of a comment when a blog occured to me...

So in reading the blogs I follow, I ran across this one today.  And as I was leaving a comment, I had a long line of thought. 
I kept the comment brief - but here's the rest of the thought

She was noticing that she never thought twice about her skinny friends - or how they got that way.  She just assumed it was genetic.  She's discovering that it's not the case - that many of her skinny friends work to BE skinny, it doesn't just happen.  But while they're working on being skinny, it's not always healthy.  It's the old "not all calories are created equal" argument.

My line of thinking went along simliar lines in that I'm often envious of other people's eating - they seem to be enjoying it, it doesn't overwhelm them, they don't seem to be obsessed about what they eat.  They dig into the pizza at the meeting even while I'm munching on my planned lunch and trying to guess if her jeans are a size 2 or a size 4.  But what I may NOT be seeing is that the pizza is the only thing they're eating today - or that they'll balance it out with a longer run/workout tonight.  I just assume.

When I did my hypnotherapy session in December, one of the scenes that I saw was an outside restaurant.  People were sitting around laughing, smiling, talking, and eating muffins.  Big blueberry, poppyseed, and chocolate chip muffins.  I was there too.  Sitting there, laughing, smiling, talking...and trying to figure out how to eat the giant rock I was holding in my hand.  That rock represented the burden that food - and eating - are to me.  I want the delight, the joy, the casualness that other people exude when they're eating.  I really want to not feel overwhelmed by calorie counting and the food math that I do all day every day. 

I want to not feel the isolation that those thoughts leave me with.  I always feel like the only one in the room, on the block, in my life, on the planet, with these issues.  I feel so alone. 

Now, as a reasonably smart person, I know that's not the case.  But my inner 12 year old - the one who gets picked last for dodge ball - is screaming about my life being ruined by this ONE aspect.  And I realize that I'm NOT alone.  I mean - I read other blogs, I talk to friends, I'm not delusional.  But it's so isolating and the emotion of lonliness is there. 

My blog is one way of me reaching out to other people who feel the same way.  To selfishly NOT feel so alone.  And maybe have a positive impact on someone else - someone just like me. 

My dream is that someday eating healthy, exercising, NOT obessing about food and eating will come naturally.  That I won't have the constant battle in my head and that I might start enjoying all that goes with that FREEDOM.

My fear is that it won't ever go away and I'm dreaming the impossible dream. 

I'm going with Plan A for now. 



Lindsay said...

What a great post!!!! Nothing is impossible :)

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Its not an impossible dream. You'll get there... we all will. It just takes some of this a little longer, that's all. :)

And I'm so one of those people that you will see happily eating a piece of pizza (or candy)... but you can bet I've already factored it in by choosing lower calorie meals the rest of the day or adding to my workout to compensate for it later.

Tricia said...

I think we've all felt that way from time to time. Like why do we have to obsess and count every calorie while "normal" people get to eat what they want and just stop. It sucks, but what can I do? Hate all the skinny people? I already do that! (just kidding...kinda) We all have our crosses to bear; mine just happens to be extremely large, so I hate it.

Summer said...

Yep! You said it. =) Thanks for your great comments.

Julie said...

Everyone gets down on themselves from time to time, we are our own worst critics! You are doing a fantastic job and just remember we all struggle from time to time and we are here to support one another on our journey!

Sandy Lee said...

Just want to say, you are not alone. Most of us can relate to the exact same thing. We get it.

Crystal said...

you have no idea how much this post relates to me.. i mean, i feel the exact same way, and my problem is, iindulge in those treats, like pizza and candy, just as everyone else is, but i don't factor it in with a low calorie option for the rest of the day... and i DO completely enjoy food and partake with everyone else... again, i just binge and binge for the rest of the day too... i have such an unhealthy relationship with food that it's affecting every other part of my life... and until i started blogging, i didn't realize that i wasn't alone either... i'm so with ya sister :)

Flabby McGee said...

Such a great post along with a great train of thought. I think we all feel alone, even though our brains tell us otherwise. Trouble is, my emotions don't always listen to my brain!!! Blogging is saving my life, it's keeping me focused and it's keeping me from slumping back into depression. But it's nice to know that skinny people have to work for it too! :)

Katy said...

In a way, this reminds me of what I JUST wrote about... what you just commented on. I'm glad we have the same thoughts sometimes, even though they are distructive. Make me feel less alone with all of this.