Saturday, July 31, 2010

Holding on...maintaining....and just riding the roller coaster

Well, I went in Friday for some answers on my health - and sorry folks, but until I have the answers and I've talked to some key people IRL, I'm still going to be a bit mysterious on my blog.  Trust me, when it's time for it to come out, it will come POURING out.  I'm dying to talk about it, either outcome.  I'm in no danger, it's not that kind of answers.  Just some perplexing stuff going on.
On to things I can talk about.  Eating and stress.  I suck and managing both.  I hve been trying to balance the eating with healthy choices and going for long walks (Taking the "fat man" for a walk at night is what my husband is calling it - he's not fat, we just del with stress by making jokes).  I've been eating like hell.  chips, candy, and not cooking at home.  Oh, wait!  I did cook at home last night - Talapia and wild rice, it was nummy!!  But I've used stress as an excuse to go right back to ALL my bad habits.  Somehow, I've maintained my weight (201 right now).  It's bound to catch up to me.  Monday I will have definative answers and regardless of the answer, I WILL be back on track.  I'm allowing myself this free time.  I'm pretty sure that otherwise I would lose my mind.  NO, really. 
Ok, maybe not.  And thtat's a tough idea to grapple with.  For the rest of my life - no stress eating?  How much does that scare the shit out of me.  For 7 full months now (mostly) I've been eating well, running, biking, swimming, making mostly good choices.  I get hit with monumental stress and *WHAM*  I'm back to the old me without batting an eye.  Proff that it takes time, NOT proof that I can't do it. 
When I think about my addiction in terms of someone else and the advice I would give them, it seems so easy!!  Would I tell an alcoholic that one drink is ok because they lost their job?  Would I convince a drug addict that one day of *drug of choice* is fine because their spouse left them?
NO!!  I would tell them they're doing SO good - why mess that up - keep the streak going - you're strong!!  I would put an arm aorund their shoulder, hug them, hold their face while I tell them how PROUD of their sobriety I am.  I would cry with them as they tell me how hard it is to abstain.  I would distract them with funny jokes.  I would BE their number one cheerleader.  I am SO good at being strong for everyone else.  Ask my friends to describe me.  Strong.  Determined.  Capable. 
I feel like such a fraud.  I am none of those.  I am weak, vulnerable, insecure, and I tremble at the sight of food.  What kind of person does that make me?!  Even one small setback bring back the flood of feelings:  failure, weakness, did I mention failure?
*sigh*  I'm not sure what else to say - I'm cried out these days.  I took 2 days off of work - for appointments and for crying.  Yes, I really took time off of work just to stay home and cry. 
I'm NOT a cryer.  But sometimes...sometimes I cry.
I will make it through this - I will do it with the support of my family and friends.
Thanks for letting me be so mysterious, I've got an epic blog brewing in my brain - I'm so dying to let it all out, either outcome!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I'm still here

Just trying to find the words to say what I'm going through right now. Not entirely food/diet related but definately health and emotional. Bear with me a couple of days while I wrap up the physical side of things and wrap my brain around all the rest of it.


Sunday, July 18, 2010

borrowing clothes - a success story

How many of you can relate to this: 
You're at a friend's house...or somewhere not close to home at least.  And you're cold.  Or you spill something.  Or...well, you know that feeling.  You need a change of clothes and have nothing spare with you.  Helpfully, your friends say to you "I have *fill in the blank* you can borrow". 
And you get that feeling.

You look at your friend, you think about the last time you stepped on the scale.  You do the math, that feeling get stronger and becomes physical.  Your brain races. 

What do I say, how do I get out of this gracefully. 

"Thanks, I'll be fine"
"I appreciate it but that color looks bad on me"
"I'm used to stains, in fact I kind of like them"
"thank you for thinking of me but I don't think that will fit"

Inside you're crying.  Embarassment, frustration, just to name a few of the strong emotions now flowing through you.  Part of being "normal" is to be able to put on someone coat when you're cold - not just hold it over your shoulders (or do a bad Chris Farley Tommy Boy imitation). 

You know your friend MEANS well and has NO idea the storm of emotion they just released inside of you.  They have no idea the avalache of negative feelings their act of kindness has started.

We've all been there.  Right?  As a kid they searched through the lost and find to find something that would work when I ripped out the butt of my jeans on the playground.  In PE in high school we searched high and low for something I could borrow when the  seams on the inner thigh of my sweats gave up the ghost ... again.  I used to sew those damn things up when my thighs rubbed the seams away - and sewing them up meant giving up another precious 1/2" of material I desperately needed.  It was a losing battle me and the PE sweats.  But I wasn't about to ask for a larger size from my mom.  No way. 

So - enough reliving high school PE class. Oh lord.  I'm so sorry I brought you all along on that trip! 

Flash forward *mumbelty* years and today we were at a friend's house.  They have a pool and all the kids were swimming, playing, and splashing around. And the host offered for the adults to join in.  None of us brought suits she offered her stash of "borrow suit"

UGH.  *insert habitul flood of feelings here*

After most of the families had left, our exchange student and my son went back in the pool for another round of horsing around.  I watched mournfully and finally thought "well, I'll just have a look at what suits she has in there"

There was a 16!!  I was psyched - and a 12, an 8, and some other suits.  So I went back to check on our time schedule, make sure we weren't overstaying our welcome, and verified that I could borrow a suit for a splash.  I went in to put on a suit - the 16 was out of the question - it was so big it wasn't going to stay on in the water.   The 12 was ok - streched out and not really for a big chested woman but it was going to work.  I wasn't even brave enough to try on the 8.  I was elated to fit into a borrowed anything and didn't want to push my luck. 

So - I went back out - in a borrowed BATHING SUIT - and swam around in the pool with my son and our exchange student for awhile.  The grin more about the suit and the lack of negative emotional flood. 

I might not have it all figured out but today, I'm doing ok. 


Friday, July 16, 2010

Strange thoughts...

Sorry I've been a little MIA - I'm here, I'm doing ok, just going through some stress.  Today I had a very strange (but good) thought go through my head. 

Surrounded by stress, insead of thinking about food, I was actually longing to go for a run.  Shut UP!  No, really!
I've gotten my eating 90% under control (is 90% control ironic?) and I went for a 12 mile bicycle ride on Wednesday night.  I'm avoiding staying in bed 24 hours a day which is what I'm inclined to do when I'm under stress. 

I'm happy to report I'm back under 200 - 199.x <---ok, I just realized how weird it is that I didn't pay that close of attention to the scale this morning.  Usually that's a number that I see first thing in the morning and then it rolls around in my head all day.  But honestly, today I have no clue what comes after the decimal.  This gives me hope that someday I'll be free of that damn scale.  Here's hoping!!

Sorry to report I haven't been reading other people's blogs either - internet at work is spotty at best, blocked at worst.  And work is starting to trickle in, which is great, but it means less internet time.  And I've taken over the book keeping for my husband's shop.  I'm a drafter by trade, I draw blueprints. Not much math involved.  I don't have a secret degree in accounting - but here I am.  So the learning curve is steep and it's taking a lot of time and even more mental energy.  I feel drained most days - you know that feeling?  The one where even after 8 hours sleep you just want to close your eyes and take a break....for say about 8 more hours? 

My stress will get figured out.  It's like Global Warming, stressful to worry about it, a constant nagging sense of doom and gloom, but essentially, nothing major to worry about. 

One of my ideas for getting this all under control is a 30 blogs in 30 days challenge...I'll figure out the details and let you all in on it soon - very soon!


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Feels so good...

So - I went grocery shopping and I have work groceries now.  I feel SO MUCH BETTER about having my usual choices here.  The slipping up is better.  I still went to the drug store for a snack - more to get out of the office - but I ended up with almonds and *drum roll* NO chocolate!!

What kind of person celebrates making it out of a drug store without chocolate?!

The same kind as the addict who makes it out of the bar with a glass of water. 

I feel stronger just in that victory.  Now to make it through the rest of the day!!


Monday, July 12, 2010

just busy, not missing!

I've been busier than a one armed paperhanger - still strugging with food...still wearing size 12 pants...trying to find the motivation I used to have!  I went grocery shopping tonight - I now have healthy food for work, one of my frequent crime scenes. 

I'm still here - need to make more time to blog, I'm certain that's part of the missing piece of all of this!! 

I promise a more detailed update soon!!


Friday, July 9, 2010

size 12 pictures!

Because I forgot them...
(please excuse the setting - I was at work and just so pleased with myself!!  I really should have someone take a picture in a different setting...)

YMCA called back

well - I talked to the coordinator who got my email.  She was very apologetic and agreed that it was a mistake that never should have happened.  She figures that some of the volunteers may have assumed it was over and wandered off or something because there was a motorcycle cop who drove the course to let people know the race was over - there were only 2 people they had to tell that to.  So I feel much better about it now!
Wednesday I did an open water swim - roughly 440m - in a local lake.  It felt great!

Today I was talking to my husband about the fact that while I can run longer distances and I did keep up with the other swimmers (who are all athletic) I still don't see myself as an athlete - I'm still surpised when my body does athletic stuff.  It's the same as staring at the label in my pants and thinking there's some mistake, no way I fit in 12's!  (yes - I fit in several of my size 12 pants!!  See picture below for proof!)

It's all just so weird - how my own image and how I view myself does not at all match what I see and do.  Ironically - and this might just be KEY - is that when I'm eating something I shouldn't/overeating - that's when I feel like that's who I AM! 

I totally don't WANT to be a compulsive eater - I would really rather be that person who goes running daily because she LIKES to and forgets to eat a meal...that's who I want to be.

The million dollar quesiton is how do I get there?? 

Ok - that's my deep thoughts for today - I've got a busy weekend:  tomorrow we pick up our foreign exchange student and our already busy life gets even busier!!

I will keep checking in though - see you soon!!


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

emailed the YMCA with comments

I emailed them a long letter.

In looking BACK over their website, I see in their timeline that the 10k starts at 9am - then they list the other races, 5k, family run, kids 1 mile dash, and then, at the end of that, the note: course closes at 10am.  Mathematically that means that if you can't finish 6.2 miles in one hour, you shouldn't participate.  I didn't see it when I signed up - or I would have called and clarified or not entered at all. 

Now I just feel stupid. And why would the YMCA - a facility that promotes health and community is holding a race that only athletes who run a sub 10 minute mile can participate in?!?!  Last year there were 106 runners - 29 of them finished in OVER an hour - that was what I looked at in determining if I could participate. 
I know it's NOT a case of discrimination - I don't throw that around easily.  But I am angry and I feel dumb.  But I sent the email anyway.  Because if I can avoid someone ELSE feeling as badly as I did that day - and as worthless as I feel right now - then my job here is done.  I want them to be aware of how I felt looking for the damn finish line.  I want them to know that it's elitist to run a community race with such strict time limits.   And if they're going to close the course, at least have the courtesy to let me know I can stop running now. 
I just angrily ate a piece of leftover pizza.  Because anger needs food, right?  Jeepers.  What the hell is wrong with me?!

my 10k results - and what would YOU do?

Ok - so Sunday I did a 10k with my daughter. It was down the street from my house sponsored by the YMCA. (link for race info here:

Last year's slowest time (Yes, I always look) was 1:22:xx - which is about my 10k time right now. I set my goal at finishing closer to 1:15:xx - there was a decent group finishing around that time but I WAS prepared to be DFL (dead effing last - a technical term LOL)

What I was NOT prepared for was having to stop and ask directions because there were no volunteers left and the cones/signs were down by the time I got close to the finish line!!! I had to navigate the final 3 turns without help! 
I was NOT last - there was one runner behind me and about 5 walkers WAY behind me. There were other events they were doing - kid dashes and such. But it seems to me that until the LAST runner crosses the finish line, they should have the arrows up at least!! I literally had to find someone to tell me where the finish line WAS!!!

I'm angry, humiliated, frustrated and I don't even know what else. I finished in 1:17:30 - 5 minutes off my best time but, apparently, still not fast enough for this race. The website doesn't list a cut off time - up until mile 5 there were still plenty of volunteers all cheering me on. The last mile however was desolate...I probably spent at least 2 minutes asking for directions and trying to figure out the course - I made it to mile 5 in 1:01:xx - so I was running 12 minute miles - until the last mile which took me 16 minutes - and I wasn't out of energy.

So today I'll probably write a letter to the YMCA letting them know how utterly disappointed I am. They robbed me of the joy of finishing and feeling proud. I'm angry about that. If there was a cut off time - I would have honored that and probably not entered - and usually a cut off time means they're going to open the streets to traffic and they send a shuttle out to pick up runners. The final stretch of this race had a parade in 2.5 hours so it wasn't going to be open to traffic - there was NO reason to take the course down.

Anyway. should I send in the letter? they can't do anything to give me that finish back - and frankly I dont' want to run a race with them again. A YMCA membership however...kidding, just kidding.

I will write some sort of letter - at least maybe in hopes of preventing this from happening again. One of the people that I finished with was running his first 10k - he was robbed more than I was. I'm just so utterly disappointed.  I should be thrilled.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

sometimes I feel like Superman...

And somedays I feel like I'm wearing Kryptonite underware.  People congratulate me on my running success - and I'm proud.  And then I'm home - alone - with chips in the house.  Or I'm at the grocery store and hershey is having a BOGO sale.  Or hubby invites me out to dinner....


As someone who HAS lost 40 pounds, as someone who CAN train for a half marathon, as someone who generally has her act together...why can't I get my eating under control, follow a plan, stick to it?

*deep breath*  I've been walking  fine line.  The scale tells me I'm doing ok - listing what I eat everydy says otherwise.  Overeating, eating when I'm not hungry, sweets and treats - all part of my daily *ugh* that is my life right now.  I know I'm addicted - I have to tools to fight it - I've been IGNORING the tools.  No meetings, not reading the book, not following even the simplest steps - I'm not sure the last time I tracked my calories. 
And beating myself up.  It's so easy to read through other blogs - focus on the other people who are struggling (is it me or is blogland in a slump currently?  It really could just be me and my focus).  It's so easy for me to comment and encourage them, point out how well they've done, how they have the tools and to "get back to basics"
But for myself?  I wallow in it - embrace my "addict" status and even use that as an EXCUSE!!! 

I've got victories - I'm in a size 12 now - down from 18 - and people are noticing. *I'm* noticing.  But it's all in danger of a huge landslide that will end me back up where I started...and worse.  I'm following the same pattern and, at the same time, trying to figure out how to BREAK that pattern. 

I know what to do.  I know HOW to do it.  I know - I know - I know.  Now I need to DO DO DO.  (heehee - I said doodooo...cue Beavis and Butthead)

so there.  The first step was to admit it - out loud. 
Step 2 is to start writing it all down.  And find a meeting I CAN do.  I found several hours a day to run - certainly I can find some time to go to a meeting.  (I just rolled my eyes at really, someone virtually slap this attitude out of me!!)

Tomorrow morning is a 10k with my daughter.  I'm excited she asked me to do it with her.  I'm excited to run it - the slowest time from last year is about what I'm going to run it in.  So it's very likely I will be last.  Completely last.  And that...well, I'm not so good with that.  But I'm registered and I'm going to set my goals and run.  Then we're off on a motorcycle ride nd then to a friend's house for a BBQ - I'm making yummy treats to bring with me and I need to have a plan.  I'll probably ask for outside help - aka. my husband.  Just a nudge here and there when I try and go back for seconds or when I pick up a cupcake...or 2.  Some outside help - and that's ok.  Because sometimes Superman needs help too.  He can't always fight alone!

Happy fourth everyone - I'll report back tomorrow - or Mondy. 


Friday, July 2, 2010

how is everyone planning to make it through the holiday?

We've got a potluck BBQ to attend.  I'm going to bring a giant bottle of water to drink from and a fruit salad to fill up on.  I am going to nibble on stuff other people bring but it will be a bite or two and under control.  I will NOT eat a single chip - those are my kryptonite.  I'm also running a Fourth of July 10k in the morning - hopefully the soreness from that will remind me what I'm doing this all for - to get healthy!
My weigh in today is 200.4, I can live with that!

What everyone else's strategy?  Are you going in prepared or are you going to be flexible and use good judgement?  Or are you going to call it a 'free day'?  Or just stay home and avoid all of it?  What's your plan?