Saturday, July 31, 2010

Holding on...maintaining....and just riding the roller coaster

Well, I went in Friday for some answers on my health - and sorry folks, but until I have the answers and I've talked to some key people IRL, I'm still going to be a bit mysterious on my blog.  Trust me, when it's time for it to come out, it will come POURING out.  I'm dying to talk about it, either outcome.  I'm in no danger, it's not that kind of answers.  Just some perplexing stuff going on.
On to things I can talk about.  Eating and stress.  I suck and managing both.  I hve been trying to balance the eating with healthy choices and going for long walks (Taking the "fat man" for a walk at night is what my husband is calling it - he's not fat, we just del with stress by making jokes).  I've been eating like hell.  chips, candy, and not cooking at home.  Oh, wait!  I did cook at home last night - Talapia and wild rice, it was nummy!!  But I've used stress as an excuse to go right back to ALL my bad habits.  Somehow, I've maintained my weight (201 right now).  It's bound to catch up to me.  Monday I will have definative answers and regardless of the answer, I WILL be back on track.  I'm allowing myself this free time.  I'm pretty sure that otherwise I would lose my mind.  NO, really. 
Ok, maybe not.  And thtat's a tough idea to grapple with.  For the rest of my life - no stress eating?  How much does that scare the shit out of me.  For 7 full months now (mostly) I've been eating well, running, biking, swimming, making mostly good choices.  I get hit with monumental stress and *WHAM*  I'm back to the old me without batting an eye.  Proff that it takes time, NOT proof that I can't do it. 
When I think about my addiction in terms of someone else and the advice I would give them, it seems so easy!!  Would I tell an alcoholic that one drink is ok because they lost their job?  Would I convince a drug addict that one day of *drug of choice* is fine because their spouse left them?
NO!!  I would tell them they're doing SO good - why mess that up - keep the streak going - you're strong!!  I would put an arm aorund their shoulder, hug them, hold their face while I tell them how PROUD of their sobriety I am.  I would cry with them as they tell me how hard it is to abstain.  I would distract them with funny jokes.  I would BE their number one cheerleader.  I am SO good at being strong for everyone else.  Ask my friends to describe me.  Strong.  Determined.  Capable. 
I feel like such a fraud.  I am none of those.  I am weak, vulnerable, insecure, and I tremble at the sight of food.  What kind of person does that make me?!  Even one small setback bring back the flood of feelings:  failure, weakness, did I mention failure?
*sigh*  I'm not sure what else to say - I'm cried out these days.  I took 2 days off of work - for appointments and for crying.  Yes, I really took time off of work just to stay home and cry. 
I'm NOT a cryer.  But sometimes...sometimes I cry.
I will make it through this - I will do it with the support of my family and friends.
Thanks for letting me be so mysterious, I've got an epic blog brewing in my brain - I'm so dying to let it all out, either outcome!


Drazil said...

You are NOT a fraud. You ARE human. Stop being so hard on yourself...everyone has crosses to bear and setbacks...this time is yours...but not for'll figure everything out...I know it.

The Fat Chick said...

Wow, as a person who has been following you for a while now, I know you ARE a strong woman! You CAN do this. I also understand the great relief of food freedom (eating what we want) during stress as opposed to the struggle of freedom from food (not relying on it for anything other than nutrition) I hope all is ok *no matter the outcome* and look forward to u being a bit less mysterious :)

Amy said...

I hope everything turns out for you. Stress eating sucks. I figure it will never go away, we will just get better at dealing with it.

Julie said...

Stress eating sucks...stupid food!!! Hang in there! You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for! Hugs to you!