Saturday, July 3, 2010

sometimes I feel like Superman...

And somedays I feel like I'm wearing Kryptonite underware.  People congratulate me on my running success - and I'm proud.  And then I'm home - alone - with chips in the house.  Or I'm at the grocery store and hershey is having a BOGO sale.  Or hubby invites me out to dinner....


As someone who HAS lost 40 pounds, as someone who CAN train for a half marathon, as someone who generally has her act together...why can't I get my eating under control, follow a plan, stick to it?

*deep breath*  I've been walking  fine line.  The scale tells me I'm doing ok - listing what I eat everydy says otherwise.  Overeating, eating when I'm not hungry, sweets and treats - all part of my daily *ugh* that is my life right now.  I know I'm addicted - I have to tools to fight it - I've been IGNORING the tools.  No meetings, not reading the book, not following even the simplest steps - I'm not sure the last time I tracked my calories. 
And beating myself up.  It's so easy to read through other blogs - focus on the other people who are struggling (is it me or is blogland in a slump currently?  It really could just be me and my focus).  It's so easy for me to comment and encourage them, point out how well they've done, how they have the tools and to "get back to basics"
But for myself?  I wallow in it - embrace my "addict" status and even use that as an EXCUSE!!! 

I've got victories - I'm in a size 12 now - down from 18 - and people are noticing. *I'm* noticing.  But it's all in danger of a huge landslide that will end me back up where I started...and worse.  I'm following the same pattern and, at the same time, trying to figure out how to BREAK that pattern. 

I know what to do.  I know HOW to do it.  I know - I know - I know.  Now I need to DO DO DO.  (heehee - I said doodooo...cue Beavis and Butthead)

so there.  The first step was to admit it - out loud. 
Step 2 is to start writing it all down.  And find a meeting I CAN do.  I found several hours a day to run - certainly I can find some time to go to a meeting.  (I just rolled my eyes at really, someone virtually slap this attitude out of me!!)

Tomorrow morning is a 10k with my daughter.  I'm excited she asked me to do it with her.  I'm excited to run it - the slowest time from last year is about what I'm going to run it in.  So it's very likely I will be last.  Completely last.  And that...well, I'm not so good with that.  But I'm registered and I'm going to set my goals and run.  Then we're off on a motorcycle ride nd then to a friend's house for a BBQ - I'm making yummy treats to bring with me and I need to have a plan.  I'll probably ask for outside help - aka. my husband.  Just a nudge here and there when I try and go back for seconds or when I pick up a cupcake...or 2.  Some outside help - and that's ok.  Because sometimes Superman needs help too.  He can't always fight alone!

Happy fourth everyone - I'll report back tomorrow - or Mondy. 



Amy said...

I agree with you, blogland does seem to be in a slump. Maybe its the 6th month post resolution. Who knows.

I swear we are so similar with weight and fitness and food. I know the HOW too. Hell I have know HOW for years.

We can conquer the 4th and our slumps. I made so yummies today too. cupcakes, serious RED light for me.

The 50 Best Health Blogs said...

"I need to have a plan. I'll probably ask for outside help - aka. my husband. Just a nudge here and there when I try and go back for seconds or when I pick up a cupcake...or 2. Some outside help - and that's ok."

When I'm dining out, I like to be enforcers who will keep me away from the bad foods, instead of enablers who will tell me it's okay to eat that pecan pie.


LauraLynne said...

Thanks Jim - my husband is great at helping when I ask, he's neutral when I don't. I used to be married to an enabler - I would feel bad bout my weight, he would bring me food to comfort me. 300 pounds later...I was a hot mess and couldn't figure out how to get out of it.
I'm fortunate (in SO many ways) for my husband now.

Ms. PJ Geek said...

I'm feeling really strong and sending out support right now because of it. Just keep doing it. Look at your accomplishments.
I've been having a little trouble going to meetings myself, but sometimes they screw with my head too. Reading, journaling, blogging, NOT doing any of this stuff but just being seems to sustain me. I'm not giving up on OA though. Planning to go to a meeting in a few days.

I think for myself and it sounds like you too-We over judge ourselves, we're hard on us, it's harder to know how to be "normal " or in an "ok " place because it's not something we are used to or can even recognize. It's harder to even enjoy a bbq or just simply eat food or or have treats because we've made such a big deal about it. I'm working on this concept but I think I'm dead on.
Bike ride and running sounds like a recipe for your joy.

Michelle said...

This post really hit home for me. I'm the same way. I've lost about 80lbs and have kept it off for about a year and a half but I still really struggle with food - soda, chips, etc. The only reason I'm not ballooning up is because I'm equally addicted to running. It's a bad cycle.

Julie said...

I am in the same boat. I am a food addict and I'm coming back after a month long slide down that slippery slope! I know what I need to do and what I need to eat, what to avoid and, and, and...Why can't I just do it? I think it is a struggle everyday. Best of luck to you!