Saturday, August 14, 2010

conversation at the grocery store...

So Friday morning was chaos from the word go.  Thursday night I stayed up let getting  lasagna ready (ok ok - buying a frozen one because I FORGOT!) for the next day's potluck at work.  I put it in the oven and set the over for delay cook.  The oven came on as planned at 5am and went off as planned at 6am when I usually get up.  I think you see where this is going.  I finally woke up at 7am to a crispy non-edible brick.  So I got dressed in a rush, headed (late) out the door and stopped at the store for lasagna I could just heat up at work before the potluck.  I LOVE to cook for other people so I was really disappointed for forgetting the night before, frustrated at waking up late, and angry about pretty much everything at that point.  I headed into the grocery store.  I have a little talk with myself on the way in - no, really - this is something I have to do these days. 
"Self" I say, "you will not buy candy.  You just won't.  You promised.  So no candy, ok?  No, really, I mean it, you won't buy any candy"
thank goodness other people can't read minds, I would be locked up by now and on soft foods with rounded utensils only.

So my self-talk says I won't buy candy.  The rest of my brain is focused on how angry/frustrated/disappointed and LATE I am.  Stress.  *trigger*

But I won't buy candy.  I just won't!

So then, just inside the door, in the "buy me now I'm on SALE SALE SALE section" is a rack of candy.  I'm barely tempted and look quickly away.

Right at the display with bags of cookies.  You've seen them, I'm sure.  The 'handy grab' foil bags of Nutter Butters (hubby's favorite), Oreos (OMG Oreos...), and Circus Animals Crackers.

I go through the list - Nutter Butters aren't for me, Oreos are sinful and have one foot in the candy category so those are off limits.  But the Animal crackers?  They're not frosted, they're rather plain, and I'm angry.  I mean, hungry?  No.  Really I'm a whole jumble of negative emotions.  And my brain is screaming at me - they're plain for crying out loud - what's WRONG with that.  "It's still binging and THAT's wrong" said the shrinking part of my brain (why is the reasonable side so much smaller/quieter than the binging voice?  years of practice maybe?  I feel like a lopsided weightlifter....)

The conversation goes back and forth - I even picked up and put back the bag before I put it in my basket.  Oh geesh.  You know what I say.... "if you BUY it you will EAT it" 

I know myself too well. 

So I buy it.  And in the car...yup.  I started eating them.  All while having the conversation in my head about how what I was doing RIGHT NOW - this behavior - it was binging and EXACTLY what I'm trying to avoid.  I finally got a grip - just a small grip.  And sealed the bag.  Then unsealed it and ate  few more.  Then sealed it again and threw it on the passenger side floor where it was difficult to eat. 

Yes, as if I were a toddler without full reasoning power, I had to make it unreachable in order to stop.  *eye roll*  Is this really what I've become? 

I replayed the grocery store conversation in my head  few more times.  And I'm still not sure how to make the non-binge voice louder.  One solution is grocery shop online.  Look over the items, KNOW I'm making wise choices and then let them deliver them too me and avoid the temptation all together for now.  But that's not the long term solution. 

I'm toying with trying OA again - I know in my heart of hearts that I need to be there.  I know that I have to make time.  I just have to make time.  I have to. 

Meanwhile, I continue the battle with (very minor and self diagnosed) schizophrenia - for lack of a better term - and occassionally I win.  But sometimes I lose. 

Off for the rest of my eventful weekend!



Ms. PJ Geek said...

I had toyed with OA and sort of found it more convenient to not go . It was actually really in- convenient to go to the Saturday morning meeting which means finding a night meeting to go to. But I'm a night time gym rat. Plus I don't agree with some of it. But I need to be there.

See we all got the voices.

Forgive yourself on the candy. You are working on it. We're not perfect. I think it actually helps us to grow stronger and realize we really don't want to get that candy and that it's not worth it when we screw around and give in to the voice that says "Do it" and then get disappointed in ourselves for doing it. hope that made sense.

Amy said...

True honesty. Been there many times. Just think, you are better off now than before. Now you are thinking about it before, during and after. Did you do that before with a binge?

V-time said...

I don't know about the other people reading your mind, but you can read mine definitely. Those were my thoughts. It's me half a year ago. I could not stop thinking about food. Any conversation I was turning around food,cooking, and eating. Last February I found out about LGI food program and one day began to follow it. That day have changed my life. I eat to live, not the other way around.