Thursday, September 16, 2010

back from the brink of death...

well, not death.  But a cold that knocked me flat for 2.5 days.  Started with a scratchy throat - oh, who am I kidding, nobody wants the run down.  I was sick enough to stay home from work.  Nuff Said. 

How it relates to weight loss - Yesterday morning my scale may have read 196.6 - but I thought it might be the meds and a mild hallucination.  This morning however, it read 197.4.  I'm almost half way to my goal!  195 is half way - 45 down, 45 to go.  I want to be on the downhill side of all of this!!

I was describing to a friend today how eliminating some foods is working for me.  It's been more than just eliminating that source of calories - it's been more than preventing binge triggers.  It's made me thoughtful.  Eating has been like a reflex for me.  It should be a reflex for hunger but somewhere along the way it became a reflex for everything.  Sad - eat.  Happy - eat.  Tired, bored, frustrated - eat.  And it's been easy - like a drunk who knows all the bars on the way home, I know where to get a quick snack.  Quickie Mart, Gas Station, corner drug store (ironic).  But now that most of my "go-to" food are off limits, the reflex has been interrupted. 

Before it went like this:  *emotion* - *food*

Now it goes like this:  *emotion* - *which food if not chips or candy*  - *what IS this emotion anyway* - *maybe I'm not hungry* - *moving right along*

No food in the second equation.  Unless the *emotion* is truly hunger in which case the rest of it goes to figuring how how long until my next actual meal and what's healthy and available that will carry me through until then. 

Interrupting that usual chain of action has been the biggest part of all of this.  I'm thinking before I eat.  That's new.  Very new.  Even when I'm eating in moderation, I did a lot of mindless eating.  I logged it all, stayed under my calories, but it was too easy to let it get out of control. 

It's only been 6 weeks since I cut candy out.  And only 2 weeks since chips are gone.  But I really feel like I can sustain this.   There's not a finish line.  There's no buffet at the end (how many times do I picture my "reward" meal for the day I reach my weight goal - anyone else do this?  when I'm "skinny" I can eat as much *fill in the blank* as I want).  The reality is that this is it.  This is how I will be eating the rest of my life.  At 200, at 180, and at 150 when I finally get there. 

I still struggle.  Don't read this as I've reached nirvana and I'm just going to cruise to 150.  That's not true.  I struggle.  At every meal.  At every twang of emotion when the reflex to eat springs up.  The last 2 days I was really sick (just a cold but WOW).   I was home alone.  That's a huge trigger for me.  Secret eating.  Nobody will find out.  And while I did stop at the drug store for some more Kleenex and some sinus meds - I was surrounded by the usual foods that "made me feel better".  Only now they were off limits.  And I left without ANY of them.  More success than struggles. 

This feels sustainable.  After so many tries.  After so many paths.  After so much loss - then gain - then loss - then gain.  This feels....different. 

So I'll keep it up.  And hopefully when my sinuses clear - this still makes sense ;)


PS.  Saturday is my triathlon!!  let's hope I can breathe normally by then or else it's going to be a colossal struggle!

1 comment:

Lisa said...

I think that finding the right balance is the most important thing. I am still in the early stages of my weight loss, but I am constantly striving to find that balance. There is some trial and error, but I am finding it much easier than its been in the past!