Wednesday, September 29, 2010

guilt, pants, and kids - my day

So - first things first.  I have a confession.  *deep breath*  I binged.  I really wish I had someone to call when I was going through it - I felt it happening and more than anything I wanted someone to tell me to stop.  I could have called my husband - but as much as he loves me, he doesn't quite "get" it. 
Here's what happened, in the hopes that  can interrupt it myself next time....

I've been feeling poorly lately - sick, tired, downright grumpy.  Not sure why <----excuse #1
I had a bad day at work and left early <-----  excuse #2
I was hungry <----- excuse #3

and I fell back on old habits.  I stopped by the grocery store intending to buy a soda and be on my merry way.  On the way in, my inner dialog determined that I was hungry and that dinner was long enough away that a snack was warranted.  I went down my list - no candy, no chips.  Ok.  Fine, I'm getting used to that.  But then my brain wanted cookies.  Something sweet.  Old habits die hard.  The inner voices listed off the excuses and I went to find a snack pack of cookies - something single serve.   The rational side of me preached moderation.  But there's not a lot of single serve packages in the grocery store (sure - there are boxes of single serve but that's not the same). 

So I bought a full size box of oreos.  Double stuff.  Go big or go home. 

I didn't even have the key in the ignition in the car before I opened the package for the first bite.  Guilt.  Lots and lots of guilt.  Pushed back down with more cookies.  I argued with myself - feel it on your tongue, taste it - is this what you WANT??  I couldn't hear the answer for the crunchy of the next cookie.  And the one after.  And the one after.  Driving along to pick up my son, I was eating my way through a box of Oreos.  Wanting to throw the box out the window and at the same time feeling so completely out of control. 

It's been awhile since I've had a binge ("forgive me father for I have sinned"...).  The feelings of guilt however - just like it was yesterday, apparently the brain doesn't forget how to do THAT!  Along with the guilt came the intense ill feeling.  It's been a long time since I've eaten that quantity of sugar and fat!  I was physically ill.   I managed to stop after most of the first row.  The rest are sitting in the car - I'm struggling with what to do with them.  I'll probably toss them in the trash on my way to work tomorrow.  I ate a healthy dinner like the binge never happened.  Pretending to myself and my family like it never happened.  But it did.  And I'll go forward from here.  But I need to document what happened.  For myself - for everyone else out there who walks this same fine line.  Control vs. out of control - it's one decision, one false step, it's so much EASIER!  Argh. 

Which leads me to kids.  We had a discussion tonight with my son.  Who thinks he different than anyone else out there - just like every other teenager he thinks he's alone and unique and nobody could possibly understand.  During our dinner conversation, we asked him what his goals were.  He has none.  Not one.  He has no idea what he'd like to do in life - and I don't mean just college/career - he didn't have an answer to "do you want to live in a big house or drive a nice car..."  He's willing to just go with the tide, take the easy road, end up where ever that takes him.  It drives me nuts.  He's always favored the easy road, doing the minimum required - and the frustrating part is that he's a highly gifted kid.  I remind him often that God gave him a race car for a brain and he's driving 20mph down the road with it.  Wasting all that God gave him!  Frustrating to say the least.

Which leads me to the pants part of my day.  At least I hope it's a pant problem.  Maybe it's a body issue.  When I put on my pants this morning, as usual I had to wiggle a little to get them up where they go - not a lot, not laying on the bed to zip them wiggle - just a little snug in the thighs kind of wiggle.  It gives me hesitation every time - I'm flooded with insecurity over it.  But - here's the weird part - by mid morning, my pants are swimming on my.  Pants on the ground too big.  I can take them down to go to the bathroom without unzipping them.  Does this happen to anyone else?  Is it just me?  I think it's the pants - because the idea that I wake up swollen in the morning just sounds ludicrious to's easier to imagine that I own the pants from the Ya Ya Sisterhood (wasn't it that movie where the jeans fit anyone who put them on?)

Ok - time to put the computer away and go for my run - 4.4 miles tonight (hubby is going to run the first 2 with me!)

Looking foward to getting that behind me and then hitting the sack - I really am exhausted. 



Amy @ Findingfitme said...

My clothes do that all the time. I have a big tummy so maybe the protruding makes the pants looser. Or I think that the "women's" sizes have a big more elastic properties in them that make them strech out during the day. I have some pants that don't. Check the tags and see if there is some commonaility.

Molly said...

Ok- aren't all pants smaller after they have been washed? Don't they all stretch out through the day? If not then two of us have a problem! Forget about the Oreos! Tomorrow's a new day and you'll be fine! Guilt -- be gone! If only it were that easy!

Anonymous said...

I LOL'd as I read your "confession"...the trick I use for "damage control" re: out of control bing open the bag of Oreos/other sins, grab a "single serving" (say, 4 or 5 cookies), put the bag away, gobble the first one or two, then nibble on the remainder. Sometimes it works, sometimes it takes a "repeat steps 1-4 until successful."

My son has the same problem, except his goal in life is to be a sign-holder...*sigh*

My wife says she has the same problem with pants...tight in the morning, falling down by afternoon. She thinks it has to do with the fabric (starts out "normal" in the morning, then as you wear it, it stretches...then at night it returns to "normal")...Personally, I think it may be related to the tides (high tide/low tide) = moon gravity. (because if the pants fall down, there'll be a full moon :o )

Dr. Fat To Fit said...

Oh the pants thing happens to me all the time. I don't know what it is. I think the body heat after wearing them awhile causes the fabric to stretch AND as I go through the day, my weight fluctuates a little, fluids shift? I don't know but it happens to me a lot. If you find the right answer let me know.

LauraLynne said...

I think portioning out might have worked this time. I might have even chosen to take 4 cookies out of the bag and throw the rest away - expensive cookies but my health is WORTH it. That might be a good strategy if it happens again. Friday is day 1 no sugar - obviously much needed. sigh

Lanie Painie said...

The pants things happens to me too, especially with jeans.

I guess the oreos coulda been worse. You made more work for yourself, but I bet it's not going to happen again.

Have a good run!

jesseybell said...

I always say that money is no option when it comes to weight loss, so I am queen of buying a pint of ice cream, taking one serving and putting the rest under running water, or buying cheese and dumping it down the disposal. Disposals are my friend :) I don't care how much of a waste it is.

I have had that happen with pants as well

SeattleRunnerGirl said...

I hear you on the binge - that's a tough habit to leave behind entirely. E-mail me if you want my phone number so you have someone to call if there's a next time!

Ms. PJ Geek said...

I'm learning that for me, restricting things in one area baloons out in candy, no chips sets up a bit of feelings of deprivation and add that to some kind of incident of unhappness or whatever and you eat a bunch of oreos. At least that's my scenario. Maybe call home and leave a message and talk to yourself? Maybe just the talking out loud or back to yourself would help. Sounds good to me, but when I'm ready to have a binge behavior it is very hard to stop. better for me to stay in balance at all cost to prevent desperate measures.

Pants-lying down -fluid retention yes. I'm a nurse, pt's come back from hours in surgery swollen from lying for so long. Are you eating foods that are high in sodium ? Cheese, cold cuts, canned, etc. I wake up with puffy eyes, face, fingers and I'm normal after about 11am. My only thought on the pants thing.

I think your son needs a life changing experience --hopefully a trip or volunteer effort, seeing another culture, recognition of his gifts and how he can help others versus a catastrophie.

Roxie said...

I secretly ate an oreo the other day too, I was hidden in our pantry where noone could see. YOU are still the ONLY other person that knows.

We all fall. As long as you get right back up like you did at your next meal, we're fine.

You are making changes every single day to better yourself and get healthy.

Thanks for stopping by our blog today!! I'm glad I can inspire you. Really.


Summer said...

Hmmm, never had a problem with my pants like that. Maybe they are stretching out a bit as you wear them and that makes them get bigger.

As for the binge. Just start again. You know, 0 days since my last binge. LOL I am right there with you. Tuesday was the first day of a full out binge since I can't remember when. Put it behind you and move on. That's all we can do right? :)