Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Hump Day!! checking in...and guilt!

still alive and kicking.  And pedaling.  And running.  And, well, you name it!  It's getting really fun to watch some of the changes with my body right now - collar bones, I haz 'em!  I can't hardly shave my legs without being attacked by utter vanity - my poor husband is growing weary of the "hey - Look at THIS" interruptions.  But I've got muscles - coming out of hibernation!  I'll try and take some photos soon - document this in case they up and disappear again!  I hope they won't - this is fun! 

In the eating department I'm doing ok - I'm struggling a little with the sugar elimination.  But it's interesting in that I'm able to see the emotional connection SO much clearer.  Bad day - reflex is to think of eating something sugary.  Frustrated?  Sugar.  Angry - that's an interesting one.  That's been really clear.  My brain sends out a "so - you REALLY want something to be angry about?!" message and send pictures of cookies, candy, and sugary snacks with that thought.  Not being able to go to the usual 'fix' has given me time to really see the connection I have with emotions and food.  It's still a struggle.  There are debates raging in my head over "it's JUST one cookie" or "it's just one day - come ON - you WANT it!"  But I'm beginning to get some distance from that - I'm more able to 'watch' the debate rage on while practicing self control from the sidelines. 

That's not to say it's a perfect process.  Last night I overate.  Brown rice and peas.  Because they were there.  And I was tired.  And, well, because I'm a food addict.  I spent my evening trying to get my workouts in - I went on the spinner for 1:14:38 (yes - one HOUR - woot!) and was frustrated when I got interrupted by endless phone calls from kids (they were warranted - he needed to let me know he was safely on his way home) and then by my husband needed a hand at the shop. 

One thing to add here - it's been very insightful for me to be taking all this time for myself.  It's not pampering and bonbons in the direct sense.  It's exercise.  which you wouldn't think could be guilt producing.  But it is.  I feel guilty for taking this time to myself - for something which to my mom-brain isn't as important as providing for my family.  But it is.  I mean, logically.  But as a mom and a wife, I'm supposed to put other people's needs first.  And I'm trying to balance all of it. 

Last night I broke down and asked for help.  I haven't put the laundry away in TWO WEEKS.  Yes.  I know.  I'm not a housekeeper - I suck at the domestic stuff.  But I rock in other areas.  I'm good with that.
So last night I asked Hubby "please" help with the laundry (ok - it's his clothes too and it's not a chore he expects but it's something I pride myself in being able to do to take care of his needs).  So as I headed off for the pool (after biking and helping hubby and trying to get home in time for Biggest Loser - ACK!!  Stress!!), I had dinner in the oven and a return time of 45 minutes. 

Hubby took it to heart and pitched in!!  I came home to the laundry sorted - my stuff was laid out on the bed while all of hubby's stuff was put away.  He wasn't sure what gets hung up and what gets folded so we sorted and tackled it together.  Felt really great.   I only have a couple more freshly washed baskets to put away.  Laundry really IS never ending in my house...sigh.

But on to the guilt - I feel immensely guilty about all the time I'm taking to work out.  I know it doesn't make sense - and from a balance point of view, it really isn't that much.  But I'm used to giving until there's nothing left and then trying to wring a little out for myself.  Everyone around me is adjusting - kids are ramping up responsibilities, hubby is certainly behind me 100%, now if I could just join the movement...and be comfortable with the new balance. 

so - after biking, cooking dinner, helping hubby, swimming, putting laundry away, eating dinner, and watching Biggest loser (still with me?  this is a relatively typical evening for me...) - I was cleaning up the kitchen and there was brown rice left.  I'd already packed my lunch for today and I justified it with being too lazy to find a container for it - I served the rice up and topped it off with some more peas.  And ate it.  I was full before this.  And it was nearly bed time.  And I didn't NEED it.

I'm so frustrated that these urges don't just GO AWAY.  It's better, I know it is.  And it's likely that it never goes 100% away - that I'll just keep developing tools to resist - but it just seems like as hard as I'm working on it, it should just GO AWAY!  It's a not-so-subtle reminder of my short-coming.  *sigh*

The idea that I'm human and imperfect - that's a tough pill to swallow, ya know?  But I'm making it through - one day at a time.  One meal at a time.  One bite at a time.  And I will succeed.  I AM succeeding!



Carrie said...

Guilt - such a powerful emotion. You deserve the time to take care of yourself. Yay for asking for help, that's great!

amandakiska said...

Although I've lost 90 lbs. and I seldom "indulge", I still have to fight myself at night to resist taking "one more bite". Sometimes I do eat a bit more, even though I'm full. Because I want to. But when I compare who I am now with food to who I was, I can see that the improvement is dramatic. I may never be "normal" (whatever that is), but I am better!

Paula said...

I can so relate to EVERYTHING you wrote in this post. (((Hugs))) I feel your frustration and guilt. I'm learning to balance too by asking Hubby for help and reminding myself that exercise producing a better me who can better but others first :) You are doing so good!!!

spunkysuzi said...

For some reason carbs can just call our name :(

MOMofABC said...

Congrats on all of your success! I just started my journey a few weeks ago. (
I am REALLY struggling with those nasty urges to take one more bite...or to forego the "bedtime snack" that my husband and I think we deserve. I know it'll get better, but it sure is tough right now...thanks for letting me know, that I'm not alone! :)

Amy @ Findingfitme said...

Friend - I struggle with the mom exercise guilt every day. Did you see my huge (Need Help) venting post here

This week I have been doing Bott camp @ 5:30am. Not my fav thingto be up early but I really think it is helping. Yes, I still have a pile of laundry, but oh well.

You are doing great, let's hit the 180's together.