Saturday, October 30, 2010

impulse eating better today - and a rant about my ex. husband

I thought I was going to lose it yesterday and this morning - it's been the hardest struggle yet.  I'm tired - I've had a cold for several weeks now, just low grade cough, chest congestion.  This week it got worse - I'm not sleeping well so I'm exhausted all. the. time.  I took it easy on working out this week hoping that some extra rest would help but it's not helping AND I'm not going to meet my OctoberFAST goals - it's close, but the swim and run are both going to be short.  I'm not beating myself up over it so that's a relief. 

I ate reasonably today - and cooked - which always helps!  I had an egg white scramble this morning and a protein bar between workouts.  And now I've got taco soup in the crockpot just waiting for hubby to get home.  There's leftover corn bread too but I didn't like the couple bites I took yesterday so only 'soup' it is (it's a taco meat chili more or less...). 

Lots to stress about around here - my kids' dad is coming to WA to visit them.  He's never done that.  He's barely seen either one of them at ALL over the last 10 years.  When he left, he moved to Florida.  I flew the kids there twice in the first 2 years and since then he's made almost no effort to see them.  His girlfriend's family is from Central Washington so they came here to go camping several years ago and at my urging he made the 'effort' to drive a couple hours to come pick up his kids.  They spent a week camping with a million other people.  This summer I DEMANDED he fly them to Florida to see him - so he bought one plane ticket....and chose to fly his son only.  *eye roll*
Anyway - he's coming to WA to see his kids for a week.  I'm stressed about it.  I hate him with a depth that is indescribable.  Not for what he did to me - eh, whatever, I'm free of him - but he disappoints MY KIDS on a daily basis.  For that I wish him, well, just gone.  I wish he would just...go.  *sigh*  Not very Christian of me.  He's getting his reward - he's missed out on 10 amazing years of their lives.  I get to see them every day, watch them grow, talk to them, hear about school and friends and work and sports - I get to be there when they fall down, hold out a hand to help them up.  He doesn't.  And that's worse than death in my book.  So I guess I should feel like karma has been here already.
But dealing with him - in regards to the kids and what's best for them - it's stressing me out tremendously.  And I'm pissed that it has that kind of power over me.  I KNOW that he'll keep them up too late, get them to school late, allow their homework to slip, and let them watch more TV in one week than they've EVER watched in their lives.  I'd bet money that he'll take them to a movie I don't approve of (I still pay close attention to their movie/TV/Internet activities - it's my job!).  I know they'll eat nothing but crap food the whole week and spend more time as couch potatoes at his hotel then they ever spend in a year at home. 
I also know it's only a week.  I know - only 7 days.  It won't kill them.  But it's killing me none the less. 

My children deserve so much better than anything he has to offer.  And they deserve to be treated as worthy humans and not as inconvenient.  They deserve MORE than anything their dad can give them.  Effort - if he at least showed effort I'd feel a little better about this visit.  But this visit is my doing - I've demanded it.  It's 10 years over due.  And I do it FOR my kids.  he doesn't do ANYTHING for anyone. 

Ok.  I'll stop now.  But for those of you who are so inclined, please say a little prayer that this one week isn't the WORST for my kids and that I survive it without running him over with my car...twice.  And for the record - if I DO run him over, I swear it was an accident, the accelerator stuck.  Really.



Dizzy Girl said...

I will pray for your family.

I know the feeling- there used to be a time where my dad disappointed me, over and over. It was so horrible. Luckily he has changed and I have forgiven him, but I would never wish that on any kids- especially anyone under 25. :(

Good luck- you will get thru it. So will your kids. He may disappoint them now, but when they are older, they will remember that you didn't. ;) I'm closer to my mom than ever, thanks to my dad.



Mind Over Fatter said...

I understand your stress completely, it's tragic that he has done this and you're right, it's the kids that will suffer the most. They'll suffer now and may take it with them for a long time. At least they have you as the rock in their life, someone who will never quit on them and always be there for them. All you can do is prepare the kids to make the best out of the situation, try to enjoy themselves and not worry about you - you will be fine!

I have an ex too but I am fortunate that we have been able to stay connected and I guess accepted each other and our flaws. He is here at my place twice a week and takes our 12 year old every second weekend. He really is a great dad, terrible husband but great dad!

I'll definitely say a prayer for you and your car!

Lisa said...

Don't worry. Your kids will survive and when they are adults they will realize what a putz their father is. Ya, I've got one of those too.

Happy Halloween!

Jayne Doe said...

I completely understand how you feel, though I go through this every other wkend with my Son's father.

Son is 8. Last wkend he stayed at his dad's he was up until 2:57 a.m. playing video games.


Tortuga_Runner said...

You will survive it. Wishing happy thoughts that both kids have an amazing time.