Monday, October 11, 2010

weekend wrap up - learning to forgive

Saturday I woke up early and headed out to the bootcamp orientation – it went well, I’m excited for day 1 tomorrow. Nothing fancy about it – basic common sense, simple exercises, repetition, focus on good form. Got home and hubby asked me to go to swap meet with him. With a restoration business, swap meets are just inventory shopping for us with a little bit of marketing and socializing thrown in. So we went.

I didn’t bring my bottle of water which turned out to be a huge mistake. We’re on a tight budget right now so I balked at $3 bottles of water. We did make halfway decent choices for lunch – teriyaki chicken on rice. Not great – but better than any other deep fried offerings they had. Finally, around 2pm, I broke down and bought bottled water. I managed to make it through the swap meet without the crap food – I was thrilled.

At home, we decided that we would use a gift certificate I won at work for a night out at the movies. Wall Street was playing and we headed into Belltown in Seattle. It just so happened that a friend’s restaurant was on the same block so we made an evening of it. The theater was lavish – they bring drinks to your seats and refill your popcorn (yes – I ate popcorn, guilt free). After the movie we went to our friend’s establishment where I ate pizza. Only two slices of a small pizza.

Sometimes I just throw my hands up and decide to live. I knew the next day was a big workout day and stopped before I was full and felt in control. No dessert – even though the whole meal was comped. Another victory in my book. On the way out, we gave our leftover pizza to a man begging on the corner. He asked for beer to go with it – I don’t think he was joking and then I was sad I gave up our delicious pizza to him. I only hope he enjoyed it.

Heading home, we held hands in the car and generally just basked in each other’s company. Ya, I know, we’re mushy that way. If you’ve never been THIS in love, I highly recommend it.  :)

Sunday morning I got up bright and fricking early – I had a long bike ride to complete. 54 minutes on the spinner and 12.5 miles later, I woke the rest of the family up to get ready for church. I was super excited – our friends were going to meet us there and attend our church for the first time! I love sharing our church – I think it’s awesome and when someone else is touched by their awesomeness…well, it’s awesome.

After church we dropped my daughter off at work and we headed home. By this time, my head was pounding. It hurt to blink. I felt like my eyeballs were on fire. Classic dehydration. And for anyone who’s been there, once you’re behind in that race, catching up takes a lot of work. I laid down and closed my eyes for an hour. When I got up, it still hurt but I changed clothes and headed for swimming. I had 45 laps to put in today!

Concentrating on swimming helped with the headache. Swimming for me is a little zen like – it’s the one sport that I feel completely at home doing. I’m not great, I’m not fast – but I feel like a natural and I hear nothing but positive voices when I’m swimming along. When people look at me swimming, I only see admiration and positive thoughts. I don’t once assume they’re thinking “What’s SHE doing out here” or “didn’t know they made bathing suits that large” Or any other negative nonsense. I just keep swimming, and generally it’s a very happy time for me.

After my laps, I headed back home and then down to the shop with the hubby – he needed to put some work in on the shop truck and I had the books to do – checkbook to balance, paychecks to write. I kept drinking my water and hoping that my head would finally calm down. From there we headed home to pick up kids and then to meet my mother in law for dinner.

Dinner was something of a disaster for me. My head hurt, I’d worked out a lot that day – I have 10 more excuses but do you really want to hear them? Ultimately I ate a 6oz steak, a plain baked potato and 3 deep fried prawns. Nothing to be ashamed of but the feeling of eating with gusto, eating to make my head stop pounding, not thinking about taste or satisfaction – those were the no-no’s for me. I was reminded that although I’m losing the weight, I’ve cut out the trigger foods, I’m staying on track most of the time – I’m still struggling with this journey. It’s all a learning experience and I have to remember to stay focused. My ‘auto pilot’ is still very broken.

Today I’m back on track. Back at work – back to routine – back to the auto pilot that’s a little farther along than my weekend driver. Tonight is a long run – 5.8 miles with my daughter’s church group and then another 2.5 miles with hubby at home. I won’t get on the scale until Friday’s weigh in. I want to be able to focus on eating and training and learning from my mistakes. I don’t need the number to use against myself.

Meanwhile – I’m working on a challenge with GAG 2010 – a scattergory of sorts. I’m finding motivational sayings and scripture that inspires me. It’s helping. It’s brilliant. Thank you Sheila for coming up with it.

On a personal note – more for me than anyone reading it. I’m struggling with a friend’s good news. She just announced she’s pregnant. It’s got me down in the dumps. She’s 2 weeks behind where I SHOULD be. And while I’m thrilled for her, at the same time I’m feeling devastated all over again. I’m struggling with a lot of emotions over all of this – my body’s failure to keep the baby alive, my emotions about the decision to try again or not, my reasoning behind any decision we make. I just want it not to hurt so badly. Cutting myself some slack takes a lot of hard work – and that ties into the healthy eating. Being able to forgive.

Ok – time to get to work!




Brigitte said...

It sounds like you had a busy weekend! I too love popcorn and can't wait for the next Harry Potter so I can eat all the popcorn I want! :) I am sorry to hear about the pregnancy issues. I hope things work out for you guys!

LauraLynne said...

thank you Brigitte! Things will work out how they're supposed to - I just am trying to be reasonable about the emotions that go along with all of this - if that makes any sense... :)

Juli's Journey said...

You are a busy girl, Laura. A tip I do regarding transporting a water bottle is I have a hook on mine so that I can hook it to my purse. that way I don't forget it. Don't feel guilty about your feelings towards your friend. It is a common reaction. I will keep you in my prayers.

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Oh I know just the theatre you are talking about & I've been dying to go there. Totally jealous now, lol. Popcorn is something I always allow myself without guilt on the rare occasions I get to go to a real movie, in a real theatre.

I've experienced similar things with a pregnant friend after losing one... its so hard. Things still happen that bring that resurgence of hurt & its been years. But it does get better... in time. I will be praying for you. :)

LauraLynne said...

thank you Juli - you should go to the theater - it's awesome! Tickets aren't any more than they are at the "filled with tenny bopper" theater!
thank you for the reassurance - the emotions are similar, just as soon as I think I've got it all under control, I get a 2x4 reminder upside the head...I know it will get better - on both fronts!
Thank you for your prayers, they're really appreciated

KC (my 140 point 6 mile journey) said...

I love the way you honest and heart felt. Keep your eye on the prize. From the posts I've read, I have no doubt you will reach your goal and whatever other goals you focus on. As I like to say, upward and onward.

Paula said...

I'm just getting to know you and by the writings in this post think you totally rock!! (((hugs)))) about the emotions over your friends news.

Carrie said...

Good luck with boot camp. {{{hugs}}} for your decision.

amandakiska said...

You're exercise is AMAZING! You're doing so well.

I'm sorry for your pain over your friends news. That is really tough! I believe you'll be reunited with your little one in heaven someday. What a joyous day that will be!

Mind Over Fatter said...

Hi LauraLynne, I nominated you for a blog award "Blog with Substance", please visit me for details!!! Congrats, like your blog a lot!