Friday, November 26, 2010

well, that didn't go as planned...

Let's just say that I'm pretending yesterday never happened.
In summary:
Waffles (with syrup) for breakfast
delivering pies to my grandparents
making pie for dinner
heading to my mom's
more dinner

I'm not proud.  I had plans - I had a strategy.  I have to figure out a better plan for Christmas.  Because today I feel (physically) BLARG! 

Today's a new day - I had a few leftovers for breakfast - turkey and a little bit of green beans (one of the dishes I didn't try last night).  Tonight I will be doing bootcamp...and then spend some time on the spinner. 

And avoid the scale until Monday - hoping to spend the weekend back on track enough to not undo the last bit of my hard work.

I'm disappointed.  But trying not to beat myself up. 

How did everyone else do?


Tuesday, November 23, 2010

downhill slide...

not only is there snow and ice everywhere....but my eating hasn't been great either.  I've been avoiding blogs and blogging.  Major case of guilt.  I haven't been feeling great - emotionally - just teenager stuff and out lash after the dad visit.  I knew it was coming but even braced for it, I wasn't prepared. 
I had McDonalds for the first time in 11 months.  And it was good.  No.  Really.  Geesh.  I wanted it to taste bad, too feel sick afterwards.  But nope.  And today I snitched a bite of pumpkin pie filling. 
I want to say " the scheme of things not too bad" but that's just justifying.  And it's the first step onto a VERY slippery slope. 
I haven't worked out since Saturday - which for some people is solidly average but for me - it's bad.  And while the scale hasn't punished me appropriately (yet) I know it's coming.  It has to.  And the old me is ready with excuses. 
I'm so close to 180's.  So very very close.  And for some reason, that scares the daylights out of me.  Because I still don't see myself as thinner - not in my head.  In my clothes, in the mirror - I see the changes.  But in my head I still THINK like a fat girl.  I want candy.  Treats.  Sweets.  Food.  For emotional hunger, not physical.  I've been *THIS CLOSE* to buying a snickers bar.  (I just rolled my eyes at myself - really)
I've spent the last several days baking.  Right now in my house I have 2 batches of pumpkin crunch (like upside down pie with a maple-ish crust), 3 apple pies, 2 loaves of pumpkin bread, 3 loaves of fresh wheat bread, and 2 batches of apple scones.
Not for thanksgiving.  Just because.  Thanksgiving baking will be done Thursday morning.  The rest of the baking was just boredom.
I mentioned we have snow.  And ice.  And I live at the top of a VERY steep hill.  So I've been home from work since Friday.  With both kids.  Lord Help me.  So instead of eating, I'm baking.  And trying NOT to eat.  I've had a few slip ups - McDonalds, toast (too much), and just too much snacking in general.  And really, for me, it's not about the food I'm consuming but rather that food is consuming me. 
Does that make sense?  I think about it - I'm finding myself frighteningly close to throwing in the towel.  And if I were reading that on someone else's blog I'd be screaming at my computer "look how far you've come - you're more than halfway there - you know what you need to do - just DO IT!"

And I'm trying to convince myself of those very facts.  I'm down 48 pounds still.  I only have 32 more to go.  I'm still able to run and work out - I need to sign up for the at home boot camp, I'm delaying because...well, because I'm feeling dowdy and LAZY.  Weather, kids, boredom at work, I'll start tomorrow... - I've got the excuses lined up and ready to go. 

But I need to just get my act together and do this the Way I know how to do it!!! 

Thanks for letting me confess.   I will get back on track.  I can do it!


Friday, November 19, 2010

Friday by the numbers!

Today's weigh in - because I know you all waiting the whole week for this - right?!  :)


I am so close to seeing 18x.x that I can taste it!!  The scale was all over the place this week but today is the lowest from the week so I'm happy with that.  I need to start training again.  I'm still struggling with the blahs. 

The fun numbers this week are my BMI.  I hadn't checked it in awhile.
5'-6" - 240 - 38.7

5'-6" (why can't I get taller as I get lighter?!) - 191 - 30.8

I'm still classified as Obese.  But in 6 pounds - one month or so - I won't be!  185 pounds puts me at 29.8, only Overweight.  155 - only 36 pounds away now - will put me at "normal".  which would be funny if they were talking about my character - but instead is exciting since they're talking about my BMI. 

tomorrow is my last boot camp at the location - next week will be the big test - I will have the at home boot camp and will have to challenge myself to still stick to it.  I haven't signed up for a Thanksgiving Day 5k but will instead run one on my own.  And maybe drag a kid or 2 along with me.  And sweet talk Hubby too.  Or he can man a water station - hee!

I still can't wrap my head around the weather around here.  I'm just blah.  I fall asleep early - I mean come one!  It's dark at 4freaking30 in the daytime!!  So by 8:30 it feels like bedtime! 

And "hey Kids!  get off my lawn!"

Yes.  I'm getting old.  But it sure beats the alternative!

Ok - time to get to work.  I'm leaving early today to go hang with the hubby - maybe catch a matinee movie!  We'll see.  I need to plan out my baking and go shopping for the weekend.

We're also going to pick up my new (to me) car!  Toyota Corolla.  Which has heat at my toes!!  My current ride is a VW convertible - which has defrost (thank God) but no heat anywhere else.  So my toes are permanently frozen.  The new car needs some work.  But hubby is a genius mechanic - among other things - so this car has come to the right home for some TLC. 


Thursday, November 18, 2010

winter blahs...

and winter isn't even here yet!  Our weather (Seattle) has been, well, blah.  It's typical but it seems like every year my reaction to it is worse.  And this year it's awful.  Mid-November and I'm tired of it already.

but in the past, it was easier to "enjoy".  Cold weather meant more eating!  It was 'justified'.  Chili, lots of baking, heavy carb meals - it's winter!!  This year is different.  I'm snacking on pears, apples, and satsuma oranges.  I'm eating light meals and I haven't transitioned to my "winter menu" (aka overeating).  This is going to be tough.  Not a hurdle I anticipated at all.  I figured that my journey would continue exactly the same. 

Silly  me. 

It's cold outside so bundling up for a run is - well, it hasn't happened in a week now.  I'm freezing all the time with 49 less pounds of fat to insulate me.  I'm already a cold person so this is excruciating.  I'm thinking about breaking down and buying some decent winter workout gear - but it's so expensive!  Frugal-me and cold-me are battling it out. 

I'm planning on baking this weekend - it's Thanksgiving next week after all!  I bring desserts - my pie is clamored after.  So this weekend I'll start baking - my grandparents will receive the first batch.  This is their first year not living independantly.  They're 96 & 94 and until 2 months ago lived 100% independantly.  Now they're in a senior living situation with meals etc cooked for them (they go to a cafeteria to eat).  So I'm baking up some goodies to bring to them.  And testing some new receipes to bring to my mom's Thanksgiving dinner.  And baking some bread, making some fresh bagels, and generally keeping busy and heating up the house with the oven.  :)

I'm wanting to make some freezer meals too - life's been so hectic lately that I feel like I've neglected the family dinner situation.  And I've had time to cook - since I wasn't out running - but I need to reverse that a little.  Make ahead meals are always satisfying.  I know they're healthy and my kids can warm them up while I'm out running.  It only makes sense.  But this weekend is baking, I think cooking will have to be next weekend!

This morning was my before last Aim to Be Fit bootcamp - I paid for 6 weeks on a special deal (Shout Out to Groupon!!) - and my last class is Saturday.  The trainer has a special "do it yourself fitness" that he offers that's basically bootcamp at home.  so I'll try that.  I love the program - I'm seeing the results - so I'll keep it up at home.  (*note*  No affiliation, no special deal for mentioning him - I just love the camp THAT much!). 

So my plan for this upcoming week?  Bake this weekend - get at least SOME running in - and stick to my eating plan even through the holiday.   And maybe look into some of those seasonal lights for people with SAD just to get some Vitamin D!  OH!  And I'm going on a bike ride Sunday afternoon (it's supposed to be 50 - that's practically a heat wave!)


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Tonight's dinner...

The last several weeks have been busy - hectic - crazy and packed!  I haven't had  chance to shop, plan, cook or eat a real sit down dinner.  We've eaten at restaurants and snacked in front of the TV (healthy snacks - I've been on plan - just haven't had a family dinner at the kitchen table in WEEKS!).

Tonight I came home - a little late but still determined.  My son followed my instructions and cooked pasta, ground turkey meat, spaghetti sauce and asparagus.  We had spaghetti, at the table, with all Four of us!  I ate only a spoonful of noodles but a handful of asparagus - both covered with turkey meat sauce.  I'm pleasantly full, both physically and emotionally. 

It's been a tough week with my ex. in town, some typical teenage stuff, vacation (which while nice does throw every one's schedule off).  So tonight was just what the Dr. ordered. 

And now I'm going to watch a little Biggest Loser, shed a few tears, and snuggle with hubby (who has hopefully forgotten about the pool and will maybe come with me tomorrow night?!)

Biggest Loser spoiler - WTF?  Ada's family couldn't even put a tiny effing video together for her?  I'm so heartbroken for her and the lack of support she obviously has at home). My family is messed up but I'd like to think that they would at least fake it for the sake of reality TV.  Come on people!!

Ok.  Back to the TV and the hubby!!  G'night folks!


tried to go swimming tonight - and why Hubby will never go again...

headed to the pool last night with family in tow.  Hubby and son at least - 16 year old girl is grounded without oxygen.  Well, ok, she's allowed oxygen but it was a tough negotiation. 

Hubby's not a fan of public pools - he's grossed out by the idea of all the germs and bodily fluids that are just floating around in there.  So when he asked to go last night, I was elated!  Swimming has been so solitary for me - and if they were coming, I could use THEM as an excuse to go on the rope swing that I usually just watch during my laps....

I began to worry a little when we walked past the window and nobody was in there - was the pool closed?  Were we early?  As we walked up to the front desk, I asked "where is everyone - is the pool closed?"
She quickly - and seemingly routinely answered:  "the pools is being super chlorinated.  There was a contamination earlier"  but that wasn't enough.  She continued: "a little boy POOPED in the pool!"

I quickly turned towards my husband for his reaction.  This IS his worst nightmare (well, outside of being IN the pool when it happened).  He blanched.  Reflexively took a step backwards.  And determinedly set his jaw in his "see - I TOLD you so" face.

I was trying to figure out how to put the words BACK in the lifeguard's mouth or turn back the hands of time or something!  Any hope I had of hubby going swimming with me was fading fast. 

We got our free family pass (for next time?  hmmmm) and headed back outside for the walk home (pool is only about 1/2 mile from the house).  the discussion was rather hillarious.  My husband telling me about his worst pool fears and how he was never going again.  And me trying to reassure them that at least they were on top of the problem and super chlorinating the pool.  He argues that bleach can't possibly kill everything that's in kid poop - and I knew I had lost this arguement and changed the topic. 

So - no swimming last night.  And maybe no swimming again ever for my hubby. 



Sunday, November 14, 2010

what's YOUR plan?

We are closing in fast on the holidays - typically the toughest time of the year for trying to lose weight and stay healthy.  How do you plan on handling it?  There's more than the usual stressors to deal with - pressure all around us to 'eat eat eat!' - people who don't understand our struggle and think that one day of gluttony is acceptable (and for some it is....don't get me wrong, my issues aren't your issues or their issues, they're mine).  How do you plan on handling it?
Are you hosting any holiday dinners?  Are you cooking any differently?  Do you have multiple meals to attend in singular days (we finally put a stop to that a few years ago - it's just TOO crazy!).  Does your family overeat - do they have weight issues?

For me - my family is a key trigger for me - most of them aren't terribly overweight and none of them completely understand my struggle.  So holidays are difficult for me no matter what my weight status is - and this year more so because not one single person in my (etended) family understands why I'm abstaining from certain foods.  So we'll be around for Thanksgiving but we are literally escaping for Christmas. 

My plan:
dinner is at my mom's house - she's an amazing cook so I'm plan on being overwhelmed at first.  Just really overwhelmed.  And I know it will be a struggle not to just eat and eat and eat - it's always delicious.  So I will go in the door knowing that it's overwhelming - admitting that it's going to be a struggle.  And knowing that I will not just give in this year.  I will bring a water bottle with me and sip on that rather than nibble until dinner is served.  I will eat salad and veggies before I dive into the rest of the food.  I want to not be physically hungry when I start eating.  And then I will choose my meal the same way I serve myself at home.  Using the tools I've developed over the last 11 months - keeping portions small and choices wise.  And I will not go back for seconds. 

I am bringing dessert - I make great pies.  So that part of the meal I will just relish (hopefully) in the praise while everyone else eats them all gone!  I will probably just slice up and apple for myself instead of apple pie - and only if I'm truly hungry again by the time we eat desert. 

And we will NOT be taking leftovers home.  One of the benefits of going to my mom's for the holiday dinner is that we get to leave all the yummy stuff behind!

Christmas we are spending on the Oregon coast - we're renting a vacation house for 4 days and bringing groceries.  We'll be spending time as a family, playing games, going for walks, cell phones and computers will NOT be part of our holiday.  Nor will overeating. 

I'm so close to having lost 50 pounds.  And while January is typically the time of renewal and new goals etc - I do NOT want to use that as an excuse to lose the ground I've gained since I began this journey.  I'd like to start the new year at 185 - down 6 pounds from where I am now - and set my "new year's goal" at losing the final 35 to get to goal. 

Can you imagine?  instead of 90 pounds to lose, I will have the goal of losing 35.  I am going to put that number on a sticky note on my bathroom mirror.  Just to keep reminding myself.

In other news - and a bit of a brag - I stopped at a friend's house yesterday to drop some stuff off - she and her husband haven't seen me in awhile - they follow my facebook status and know that I've lost weight - but their reaction was priceless.  And I find a little joy in how people try and compliment how I look but at the same time try not to admit that yes, before, I was FAT!  It's awkward a little for them - and I try to reassure them.  It's not like I didn't know what I used to look like!

Ok - that's it for now - I've got a mile long list of stuff to get done today!!


Friday, November 12, 2010

I just want to say..

I'm having a super shitty day and I'm pissed off because I can't eat my troubles away.  And while I DO know that after eating the trouble only multiplies - I'm still pissed off.  I want my food back.

*stomping my foot*

Who can I sue for this craptastic hand I was dealt and this stupid addiction.  Why can't I be normal and - well - hell if I even know what normal IS!?!  

Ok.  Deep breath.  Back to my lunch of a salad and some brown rice.  I'll just pretend it's giant heaping spoonfulls of mac and cheese, cheesy potato mushroom bake, and a family size bag of chips. 

PS.  Does anyone want a 16 year old school skipping but otherwise pretty good teenage girl????  Please?!!  Disclaimer:  She likely has the same food addictions and binge tendencies I do. 


Weigh in - food police - and feelings!

well, even without doing a lot of training - ok, no training this week except boot camp - I'm still losing weight.  I've been really careful about what I put in my mouth, especially because I haven't been running, biking, or swimming...
So not only do I come back from vacation having lost weight - but I continued losing weight this week! 

Official weigh in:

191.2 pounds

I can't believe it when I look at that number.  That's how much I weigh.  Me!  I'm seeing so many changes in my body right now - the lumps and bumps I used to focus on are melting away.  My legs are starting to look like legs and less like well...I don't even know how to describe how I saw my legs. 

Abstaining from certain foods really seems to be the key for me.  There are bowls everywhere here at work of people bringing in their leftover candy.  And I recognize from my impulses just how much of that candy I would have eaten. 
Just one. 
Just one - from every bowl. 
Just one - from every bowl - every time I passed.
Just one - from every bowl - every time I passed - plus a few to keep at my desk in case the bowl's empty when I pass again

You see how that math works right?  It doesn't.

But I don't have the option of just one.  And I struggle with it in the moment.  But while the struggle is still hard - my brain fights it - how long it lasts after I walk away is getting shorter.  Now, by the time I get back to my desk, I've forgotten completely about the candy. 

It's refreshing.  It's a relief.  And on one hand I feel like I've delegated the responsibility to someone else - but that someone else IS me.  I've just installed Food Police 1.0 in my brain and FP1.0 is policing the foods I'm abstaining from.  And I'm starting to be ok with the idea of  "no more xyz EVER".  It doesn't scare me like it used to. 

Relief.  A burden lifted.  Hope.   Those are bubbling to the surface these days.  And it feels good.


Thursday, November 11, 2010

Breaking down a craving….

I’m sitting here at work – my tummy’s relatively full of a delicious lunch – half a tuna sandwich and 2 satsuma oranges. I’ve been drinking my water and I’ve got no complaints…except there’s a rumbling in my brain.

Bread. My brain wants bread. Any kind of bread. Toast would be nice. But a bagel would work – toasted just enough. The topping doesn’t matter. Crackers would work but they’re on the Abstain list. But as I examine this craving I break it down.

Why? I mean why bread, why now – why?

I try and think of what PART of the bread I’m craving – the texture? The flavor? The chewing? The hunger? I can’t put my finger on it. There’s no solid reason for wanting some bread right now. I mean, it does taste good – but food is for hunger. And I’m not hungry. And it smells good – but so does an orange or a pear or the roma tomatoes I have in the work fridge here.

Is there some correlation to needing the carbs? Some mysterious blood sugar foreshadowing? I’d like to think that if my brain can predict the future, it would come up with lotto numbers, not blood sugar levels.

So what is it?

My addiction? The emotional need to eat? Knowing that if I eat bread now, it might create “real” hunger later?

Even knowing it’s not a ‘real need’ – knowing it’s emotional and an addiction – the urge is still there. I’m fighting it and will hopefully win.

I saw 191.6 on the scale this morning. I want to see something in that ballpark again tomorrow for my weigh in. Bread won’t get me there. At least not as an emotional snack 20 minutes after lunch ended. So I’ll try to fight my brain – conquer my addiction. And stay on my journey.



Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I let an anniversary go by and what they don't tell you about weightloss surgery

I've been spending less time online at home - I get email on my phone so I delete the junk and save the rest to read on the laptop at home.  Last night I finally got to my email and there was one that I had glanced at on my phone but hadn't read. 

"congratulations on your WLS anniversary"

Oh ya.  I kind of forgot.  I often forget I'm a bypass patient.  Especially when I still struggle every day with food and food choices.  But they don't tell the whole story when you hear about weightloss surgery - it deals with the physical aspects of over eating. But leaves the rest of it - and that's a mighty amount - to surface later.

My story:

At 300+ pounds, I had the usual trouble that comes with obesity – walking up stairs, finding decent clothes, self esteem, and health problems. I had sleep apnea that was ruining my life and my health. I had 2 small children I couldn’t keep up with. I was losing hope rapidly.

I first started researching Gastric Bypass in 1998 – my mom mentioned it to me in passing and it got stuck in my head as a viable option. I had tried everything else.

That seems to be the common phrase among Gastric Surgery patients.

During my year long research (and insurance battle) I found several online support forums and formed friendships there. We were all eager to get the surgery and start losing weight for the final time. Or what we thought was the final time. During my research I had some memorable moments – the low point being a surgeon who encircled my pudgy wrist with his fingers and says “I can make you a size 2”. I pictured myself as a skeleton. I wasn’t vain, I didn’t want to get “skinny” – just healthy. There was a distinct difference in my head. The high point was finding a surgeon who listened to my request and offered a “Bypass lite” – less intestines bypassed, fewer nutritional deficiencies afterwards, but potentially less weight loss. I was sold.

Nov. 8, 2001 – I had my RNY.

Things went well – 2 weeks post surgery I was re-admitted for dehydration but otherwise things went just as they should. That’s not to say it wasn’t difficult. Anyone who says Gastric Bypass is the “easy way out” can kiss my butt. My best friend – food – was no longer available to me. I could eat one teaspoon of food at a time. I had to drink water at timed intervals and not around the time I was trying to get massive amounts of protein in 1 oz at a time. I struggled emotionally with all of this. I feared I was “doing it wrong”. Most days I came close – but in my brain it had to be perfect or the surgery – and my last chance – would be another failure.

I remember reading other bypass patients accounts of “eating a slice of pizza” or some other “forbidden” food and my brain screamed out at them: Why would you DO that?! You’ve just had surgery, obesity is serious, and you’re trying to eat pizza! The rules – don’t you remember the rules?!?!

But here’s what they don’t tell you. Most obese people didn’t get obese merely by eating too much food. Granted, that’s the physical reason – but for the majority of obese people, there are severe emotional issues that contributed to eating the food. Surgery does nothing for those issues. Nothing. They’re still there, waiting to re-emerge. They stay hibernating while you go through great changes – losing weight, finding a balance between eating what you’re supposed to, drinking enough water, and finally getting some form of daily exercise. You’re too busy figuring out the ins and outs of post surgery life that the issues just lay there, waiting.

Mine started in October of 2002 – nearly one year post op. I was down to around 185 pounds and holding steady. Running or walking on the treadmill daily, enjoying shopping for size 10/12 clothes, and I considered myself, generally, a success story. I was researching plastic surgeons – I had excessive tummy skin that I wanted gone – and trying to find a way to pay for that. I was in the middle of a divorce (something else they don’t tell you – your relationship with your spouse/partner WILL change – of all my weight loss surgery friends, NONE have stayed married.  We're talking several DOZEN friends and an equal number of divorces/break ups) and struggling to figure out single parenting and a full time job. Stress was at an all time high. And my issues reared their head.

Gastric Bypass patients are told “no more sugar – ever” At least more than likely that’s the case. Because of the surgery, the sugar you ingest will end up in your blood stream faster than pre-surgery and it’s likely to make you feel very Not Well. It’s commonly referred to as “Dumping” (go ahead – Google it…I’ll wait for you to come back…)

I was scared to death of dumping – I’ll do just about anything to not throw up (not the worst of the dumping). So I avoided sugar. I even remember having somewhat of an aversion to it – it didn’t sound good to eat. Until the mercury in my stress thermometer shot out the top.

We were in the Halloween season – and all my pre-surgery favorite foods came in convenient handy snack size bars. This to my way of thinking was the perfect way to test if I could tolerate sugar. It was almost like a science experiment – I remember the emotions very vividly. I had one Hershey’s Kiss. And waited. I felt very guilty. And waited for the physical punishment – the dumping I had been warned about. But it didn’t come. Next time it was 2 kisses…and wait.

Still nothing. And I didn’t gain weight from 2 kisses. That was almost scarier than the idea of dumping. My brain equated candy with weight gain and I still wasn’t used to my new body. I still expected to be like Tom Hanks in “Big” and wake up 300 pounds again the next day. But it didn’t happen. I ate 3 kisses – no dumping and still the same size in the morning.

The emotional flood gates opened. I didn’t make the connection at the time – but this was my “pizza” moment. That revelation that the food I loved and the way I loved to eat it wasn’t dead. There was a blip on the monitor – and flash at the Frankenstein Castle – it was ALIVE!!

For the next several years, I focused on working out regularly and sticking to most of the rules. I still had a hard time eating large quantities (for post-bypass definition of large). But I pushed the envelope. I was playing with fire and not aware of what I was doing. I was not paying attention. I thought the ‘problem’ was solved – I was thinner. That was the goal, right? And by definition, I was a surgical success.

Because I chose a “lighter” version of the surgery, I had never envisioned myself as tiny – I figured size 8, size 10. I didn’t have goals beyond those numbers. I wanted to be under 190, that was a number I hadn’t seen in a long time.

At one year post op, I was around 185 and dealing with a lot of extra skin. I had been most heavy around the middle so I was left with a ‘skin apron’ that really distorted how I saw myself. I still had a pretty serious case of body dysmorphic disorder . What I saw in the mirror and what I really looked like was very different. Having lost 120 or so pounds, it was a definite improvement – but even after a year of losing weight, my image wasn’t anywhere near where I thought it should be – and the hanging skin was a distraction. So I scheduled surgery – scraped together money – and had the skin removed.

And that kept the eating under control again for awhile. I had just invested a very large sum of money on my appearance again and I was working out, staying within most of the eating boundaries the surgery set for me and I was about 180 pounds.

I didn’t keep a blog or journal during this time but I wish I had. I don’t know what changed – how it changed or when it changed. But at some point after the tummy tuck, I slipped back into some old habits. I began skipping workouts, eating more, and eating poorly. I was starting to snack again – something I had given up because of the surgery rules. I can’t pinpoint why. I would guess that it had everything to do with being comfortable with eating again (post surgery eating scares the heck out of most people – it’s VERY defined, VERY limited, VERY intimidating). I know that my issues were surfacing - I didn't realize it at the time. 

Fast forward several years - I still have the tools to deal with over eating - counting calories, working out, etc.  But I still haven't addressed the deeper issues.  I keep putting band aids over gushing wounds.  And while I would lose 20-30 pounds and get back under 200, because I wasn't dealing with the underlying issues, the weight would come back.  This year I finally realized what needed to be done. 

And I've been blogging and dealing openly with everything I'm going through.  Some of you are just stumbling upon my tiny little blip on the internet and some of you have been with me from nearly the beginning.  I've stuck with this and I'm still making progress 11 months later.  And I'm abstaining from the foods that are my downfall.  And I'm dealing with the issues that lead to over eating for me.  And I'm trying to be open and honest about all of it in hopes someone else finds themselves on the same journey. 

so there you go - an anniversary of sorts.  But not one I celebrate - I merely note it casually.

but tomorrow?? Tomorrow I dance:  8 years to the day since my divorce was final!! 

heehee - ok, I probably won't dance but I will definately smile a little bigger when the thought crosses my mind. 
Maybe I'll hand him a Thank You card when I pick my kids up from him on Friday.


Monday, November 8, 2010

NSV while in Vegas - the one that made me cry...

so - first I need to give a little back story here.  A group of women friends and I used to go to Vegas once a year for a motorcycle event called Femmoto - it was heavenly.  All the manufacturers were there to allow us to test ride their latest motorcycles on the Las Vegas race track.  Heavenly I tell you.  Several years ago, after a long day at the track, we all headed back to our hotels to freshen up and then hit the town.  The first part of the evening was to be spent can see where this is going. 
Let me just add that on the day I left for my trip, my work informed me that I wouldn't have a job when I returned.  Thanks a-holes.  The trip was already paid for so we went anyway. 
I was tired, we'd just stuffed our faces at a buffet (my friends range in size from amazingly in shape to very normal - I was by far the largest - probably 225 or so at the time).  We hit a few of the shops where I watched everyone else in the group go in, try stuff on, bond in the usually girly fashion over the top of the dressing room doors and in front of 3-way mirrors.  An evil I try to avoid.  My girlfriends were buying clothes right and left and I didn't even try anything on - why bother, these stores didn't make my size and I was unemployed.  But I enjoyed watching my friends have fun. 
Until we got to Victoria Secret.  I couldn't even go in the store.  I'm relatively large chested and big bottomed and Victoria Secret doesn't understand my body type.  So I watched from a bench outside the store as my friends filled up their pink shopping totes with wonderful - matching - underware.  My husband was the only one who saw the tears slip from my eyes.  He tenderly wiped them up, went in the store, explained how tired we were and bid them all goodnight on our behalf. 
Not my fondest memory. 

This trip we headed to the stores again - window shopping and people watching.  I'm not much of a shopper to start with.  When I saw Victoria Secret, instead of flooding with the bad memories, I marched in and found an associate and timidly asked her to help me.  When she asked what size I was - I just shrugged.  I know my 38F is baggy on me - but what that translates to in Victoria Secret size...well, she grabbed a tape measure and we headed for a dressing room.  She measured me while another associate jotted notes.  They spoke back and forth in 'bra language' and finally turned to me and said "38C"

Huh?  Nope.  No way.  Before I had time to process what that meant, they started asking me more questions I didn't understand (I thought a balcony was something Juliet stood on while Romeo woo'd her...).  While one continued to pummel me with confusing questions, the other associate ran off to grab a box-o-bras labeled "38C".

Huh?  It still wasn't sinking in.

They left me in peace with the box-o-bras and I started trying them on.  There was overflow - they didn't fit.  But not by much.  And certainly not by the miles and miles I was expecting.  So I hit the "help" button and requested the next cup size up. 

All the bras in the "38D" box-o-bras DID fit.  Me.  They.  Fit.  Me.  Me!  After I chose my favorite style, they set me loose in the store - sent me in the direction to choose a color and/or print. 

They didn't even MAKE a beige bra in the style and size I liked.  I was elated.  Overjoyed.  Amazed.  And near tears.  Tears of joy this time.  Not frustration or isolation.  I picked a bra - and here's what nearly sent me over the top: I picked a MATCHING panty.   And they weren't white, or beige, or black...they're spicy and colorful and FUN!

At this point my husband came looking for me - probably worried that I was balled up in the corner crying again.  And I was panty shopping!  I found a sale on some panties that have "cheeky" in the name - which is a far cry from the usual "brief" or "hipster" choices that have been my only options in the past.  Checking out, they informed me that I'd earned a free Victoria Secret tote  I've never owned anything from Victoria Secret and now I have a bra, half a dozen panties, and a TOTE BAG!  Me. 

I held off the tears until the private hotel fashion show for my hubby.  He's always made me feel sexy - but this time I started feeling sexy without his help.  Does that even make sense? 

So there ya go - another NSV.  This journey is amazing - the weight loss isn't a surprise, I've done that before.  But sustaining it, staying on the journey despite so many obstacles and really feeling like this time - this is it.  The rewards are amazing - I could never have imagined some of the victories I've encountered.  We all set rewards for ourselves - new jeans, new hair cut, massage, trips, etc.  But this - this is more than I could have even dreamed of for myself.  And so much more meaningful.  Unplanned and out of the blue - rewards for hard work. 

So maybe that's what they should be called.  Instead of "Non Scale Victories" - they should be "Hard Work Rewards"

What's your latest HWR??


Sunday, November 7, 2010

Update #2 - weigh in and pictures!

So I weighed in this morning - 192.2

Yes, I actually went on vacation and came home LIGHTER - I'm more excited than I can begin to explain.  So many times - even at home - I feel like I'm on track, doing all the right things, get on the scale and WHAM - no loss or a gain for no explainable reason.  So the fact that I was able to stay on track AND lose weight while on vacation...that reinforces the fact that abstinence is working for me.  Long term. 

Here are some progress pictures:
192.2 pounds
my butt isn't just smaller but the dimpling is going away - I'm amazed - simply amazed!
Say hello to my boxer dog: Houdini!

My Calves!!  I can't get a good shot...but this gives you some idea...

Work in the morning - after a week off (I've never taken a week off before!) - I'm not looking forward to it but oh well - got to pay the bills!

Time to go watch a movie and hang out with hubby!


Saturday, November 6, 2010

Update #1 - measurements!

Ok - I'm home, doing laundry - dropped the kids off with their dad (he was high, he takes massive doses of painkillers - pained ME to leave them there).  Now I'm chilling - and I stepped gingerly on the scale and it's down - I'll have an "official" weigh in tomorrow morning since after dinner and at night doesn't really count...I just couldn't stop myself! 
On to update #1 - measurements. 

Arms: last month 14.5, this month 14.5 - no change in measurement but I see more definition!
Bust: last month 41, this month 40.5 (my husband groaned LOL)
Hips: last month 45, this month 43 - 2 inches gone!!  Boot camp is really paying off!!  I'll have to find a substitute for when my sessions are used up!
Thighs: last month 26, this month 24.5 - 1.5" gone - holy moley I'm excited!
Calves: last month 17.5, this month 17 - "only" .5" but the definition is amazing - I'll try and take photos

Stay tuned as I work furiously on getting my house cleaned, dealing with stuff the kids left behind and need while they stay with their dad, and getting my blog up to date!!

Tomorrow:  Updated pictures!


Friday, November 5, 2010

lots of exciting news!

but you're going to have to wait!  We're heading home tomorrow - where I'll get to catch up on blogging, laundry, chores, and drop my kids off with their dad.  I'm nervous about getting on the scale for the first time in a week - but I've been eating well, making great choices (including NOT having chocolate cake which is everywhere I look down here!).  We're walking 10 or so miles a day, no snacking - the only down fall is that the water down here tastes HORRIBLE and so I've not been drinking enough which, contrary to what you'd think, causes me to bloat!! 

I have several NSV - a few that made me cry even!  but I'm typing on the end of the bed, I've got about 14 hours of vacation left...and I'm logging off!!


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Restaurant Rant! @#$%#%$@%

Ok.  I'll start this with admitting that since I've been watching what I eat, I'm more sensitive to portion sizes.  I also have to admit that I'm a cheap B&tch.  I'll also admit that I rarely go out to new restaurants - I have my faves at home that I stick to.

So - here in Vegas we're in a room without a fridge/microwave (note to self, next time spend the pennies to upgrade).  So my plan for groceries and some meals in the room didn't go as planned.  C'est La Vie.

So we are eating in restaurants for every meal.  And let me just say - I'm shocked.  And grossed out.  For breakfast this morning the SMALLEST offering was a 4 egg omlet.  Lunch I ate a salad - normal portion size - but the sandwiches offered were 12" only - no 6" sandwich even offered!   And dinner tonight was the final straw.  I ordered the smallest (and cheapest) meal on the menu.  Prime Rib - $12.99.  A fatty selection but everything else had sauce, gravy, or deep fried.  The SMALL order was 12oz.  I don't think I've ever ordered 12oz of meat - even before I reduced my portions.

Oh Holy Cow.  My husband ordered ribs - the smallest portion would have toppled Fred Flinstone's car easily.  Neither one of us finished our meals.  I had so much left I was tempted to ask for a refund.  The fresh beans were good, the meat was tasty, the potatoes from scratch - I'm not complaining about quality here.  But looking around the restaurant and seeing the size of the portions that were served to us, I started to really get angry.  I just don't understand.  There aren't "petite portions" even available. 

I'm not criticizing people with big appetites - nor am I critical of people who can eat this quanitity.  I'm just curious why smaller portions aren't even offered.  I'd love to find a place that offered a kid size, healthy meal for a reasonable price. Just cut the portions in half, reduce the cost by even just 25% - but it's not even offered. 

I'm left with no other choice than to order the full portion, pay the full price, and leave over half my meal to be thrown away.  That offends me...angers me.  In the past, I've taken my left overs to go - used them as lunch the next day.  But now - here in Vegas, that's no possible.  And I'm frustrated - and ranting.  Thanks for bearing with me...

Proof is in the pictures.  Before and After:

Tomorrow I'm more prepared - I stopped at the drug store, bought some almonds, some bottled water, and a couple protein bars to use as meal replacement if we can't find somewhere reasonble to eat.  Back up plan is to not order and just nibble off of hubby's plate.  I will find a way to make this work.  I'm just amazed at what I'm seeing.


Checking in from Vegas. Food pictures!

So far I've walked more than 10 miles in 2 days, made good food choices, both in quantity and quality. I'm paying dearly for it! $10 for a salad or $5 for a burger and fries is a real moral dilemma for me!!
To keep track of what I'm eating, I'm trying to take pictures of everything! So here you go (note: I don't eat dressing on my salads so while there might be dressing in picture, I didn't eat it)

(BLT no mayo, I took the extra bread out and only ate 3/4 of it and didn't touch the fries that were served with it)

Crappy neon lighting but 4 egg omelet was the SMALLEST breakfast offered!! I ate 1/4 if it, one 1/2 of the toast, and none if the hash browns.

$2 apple!! It had better taste amazing!!!


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

at the airport - and my vacation 'plan'

Sitting here at the airport at *mumble mumble* time in the morning...I'm excited for our vacation and - at the same time - really nervous.  None of the normal routine - none of my usual foods, no kitchen of my own, all eating out.  This sounds like  a recipe for disaster...but I'm trying to stay positive. 

I packed a separate bag with my work out gear - it's one of my carry ons so at least if they lose my luggage, I can still work out, right?  And I created a one week training plan - mostly running since Las Vegas is fairly flat this might be a good opportunity to get in some longer runs.  And I'm determined to make smart choices when I eat.  But 5 days. 

I can't say I'm not a little worried.  I've been sliding a little lately - I've been really tired, on the verge of going in and having my iron and other blood levels checked.  And tired is a huge trigger for me.  So toast has been disappearing at my house.  It's not candy, it's not chips, and it's not a sugary treat.   Which tells me which item I need to eliminate next.  But - just the same at the other abstinent foods - it scares me.  No sandwiches?  No toast?  No Bagels?  Hmmm...the fact that living without it is so scary is really telling. 

I keep telling myself that a person can't live without bread - and really, how bad is it?!  Well, when I eat EIGHT pieces of toast in one day...ya, that's a problem.  And - as you can only imagine, the scale shows it.  I'm up 2 pounds right now.  But it's only Tuesday - and I'm going to get some Vegas workouts in.  I won't have a scale until I get home on Saturday - so my weigh in will be on Sunday morning.  And I need to remember that as I make food choices and workout decisions. 

It's not easy - but nobody ever said it would be.  But nobody warned me just HOW hard it would be. 

I am having a NSV right now...yes, as you're reading this!  Aren't you excited?!  I'm sitting in an easy chair at the SeaTac airport with my computer on a little table next to me - and my feet - they're tucked up next to my butt.  And once I hit publish, I plan on putting my head down on my knees and getting a little sleep.  The fetal position basically - in a normal chair.  Like....ME!  (I tried to take a picture but it didn't show it very well...sorry!)

Ok - off to get a little sleep before getting on the plane...for another nap!  :)

Viva Las Vegas!


Monday, November 1, 2010

No candy here!! And a breakfast lesson!

I never bought any - I was the Halloween GRINCH this year.  Well, not on purpose.  I kind of forgot it was halloween.  My kids were  both busy (teenagers...) and we spent the day going out to breakfast - interesting story there - then a nap (not on purpose!), then off to the gun range for a little pistol shooting (My first time shooting a pistol and I did great!!)  This was done with a .45
Then we headed to church for their 6:30 service and only as we were driving home did I realize it was Halloween!  It was dark out by then and the trick or treaters were dwindling so I put on my Grinch hat and drove right past the grocery store and left the front light off.  I'm pretty sure nobody was going hungy in our neighborhood on account of missing out on one tiny candy from our house. 
And no leftovers!!  WIN!!

So - yesterday's breakfast lesson.  After a hectic morning - fighting with my 16 year old daughter really takes the wind out of my sails - we decided that instead of being late for first service at church, we would go to breakfast instead.  So I ordered eggs, hashbrowns, bacon and toast.  Planning fully to stay within my limits.  I ate one of the eggs, the toast, and 2 slices of bacon.  Then I started on my hashbrowns.  I saved them for last because I really love hashbrowns and haven't had them in months. 
First bite - hmmm...not the hashbrowns I remember, not a warm potato goodness, just *meh* bland a little?
I figured maybe because I hadn't had them in awhile I might need to acclimate myself to them again - I mean, doesn't make sense but what part of my brain's thoughts about food DO make sense?
Second bite - no, not any better.  Decidedly bland.  I add a little salt.  Try and salvage the part of the meal I was most looking forward to.
Third bite - I can't even taste the salt!!  These hashbrowns are a black hole of flavor!!
Fourth bite - but I love them so I'm going to plow through them!!

Then it hit me.

I'm going to "plow through them"?!  What was I doing?!  They didn't taste good, I wasn't going to starve after bacon, egg, and one slice of toast, and did I mention they didn't taste good?  I asked myself BLUNTLY "why are you eating these?!"  And I didn't have a good answer. 

So I put my napkin on the rest of them (and the other 2 eggs - you couldn't order breakfast with anything LESS than 3 eggs...) and my other piece of toast (I only allowed myself one) and pushed my plate away. 

Victory.  It was mine.  Thoughtful - mindful - eating.  I was doing it.  I was sad I didn't get hashbrowns - but I was thrilled about my decision. 

10 months into my journey and I really feel like I've made significant progress.  Sure - the numbers on the scale are great - but numbers alone aren't changing who I am and my relationship with food.  They're the byproduct of making huge changes in how I look at food and how I fuel my body. 

Happy Nov. 1 everyone!

(off to pre-write a few blogs for preparation for my vacation to Vegas!)