Tuesday, November 23, 2010

downhill slide...

not only is there snow and ice everywhere....but my eating hasn't been great either.  I've been avoiding blogs and blogging.  Major case of guilt.  I haven't been feeling great - emotionally - just teenager stuff and out lash after the dad visit.  I knew it was coming but even braced for it, I wasn't prepared. 
I had McDonalds for the first time in 11 months.  And it was good.  No.  Really.  Geesh.  I wanted it to taste bad, too feel sick afterwards.  But nope.  And today I snitched a bite of pumpkin pie filling. 
I want to say "...in the scheme of things not too bad" but that's just justifying.  And it's the first step onto a VERY slippery slope. 
I haven't worked out since Saturday - which for some people is solidly average but for me - it's bad.  And while the scale hasn't punished me appropriately (yet) I know it's coming.  It has to.  And the old me is ready with excuses. 
I'm so close to 180's.  So very very close.  And for some reason, that scares the daylights out of me.  Because I still don't see myself as thinner - not in my head.  In my clothes, in the mirror - I see the changes.  But in my head I still THINK like a fat girl.  I want candy.  Treats.  Sweets.  Food.  For emotional hunger, not physical.  I've been *THIS CLOSE* to buying a snickers bar.  (I just rolled my eyes at myself - really)
I've spent the last several days baking.  Right now in my house I have 2 batches of pumpkin crunch (like upside down pie with a maple-ish crust), 3 apple pies, 2 loaves of pumpkin bread, 3 loaves of fresh wheat bread, and 2 batches of apple scones.
Not for thanksgiving.  Just because.  Thanksgiving baking will be done Thursday morning.  The rest of the baking was just boredom.
I mentioned we have snow.  And ice.  And I live at the top of a VERY steep hill.  So I've been home from work since Friday.  With both kids.  Lord Help me.  So instead of eating, I'm baking.  And trying NOT to eat.  I've had a few slip ups - McDonalds, toast (too much), and just too much snacking in general.  And really, for me, it's not about the food I'm consuming but rather that food is consuming me. 
Does that make sense?  I think about it - I'm finding myself frighteningly close to throwing in the towel.  And if I were reading that on someone else's blog I'd be screaming at my computer "look how far you've come - you're more than halfway there - you know what you need to do - just DO IT!"

And I'm trying to convince myself of those very facts.  I'm down 48 pounds still.  I only have 32 more to go.  I'm still able to run and work out - I need to sign up for the at home boot camp, I'm delaying because...well, because I'm feeling dowdy and LAZY.  Weather, kids, boredom at work, I'll start tomorrow... - I've got the excuses lined up and ready to go. 

But I need to just get my act together and do this the Way I know how to do it!!! 

Thanks for letting me confess.   I will get back on track.  I can do it!



Summer said...

Yes you can!!! I know exactly what you mean. I have been in weightloss limbo for a long time now. Looks like it's time for both of us to find that focus, that reason, that fire again. :)

Farewell2Fat4Ever said...

You can do it! You have done it before. I am just starting on my journey of losing at least 100 lbs. I need your inspiration. :) Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, enjoy the time together with family, make good food choices, and then worry about getting back on track with working out.


jesseybell said...

Hugs to you - I don't think I would have been very good being home all that time and with teenagers to boot. I was 191 on Friday and at one point over the weekend was up 3 lbs. I feel like i am sabotoging myself from seeing 189.9. I am rooting for you. I hope you have a wonderful thanksgiving.

Amy @ Findingfitme said...

Let's do it together. I was 191.0 yesterday. The day before 190.0. I even blogged about 2 tenths of a dang pound.

I a giving myself 2 weeks from yesterday. Next week is not a good idea, not becuase of the holidays but more so a certian Aunt will be in town.

LauraLynne said...

Amy - I'm printing out your comment and bringing it to dinner with me. We can do this!