Thursday, December 30, 2010

still alive - glorious Christmas - and looking forward to 2011

I'm still "off the wagon" but maintaining my weight.  I'm struggling on all fronts but still alive.  I'm using the last couple days of 2010 to just release the guilt and on Monday I will post new goals and start over again. 

2011 is going to be EPIC!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

checking in - hanging in there - and there's a Holiday coming??

Hee...ya, I just realized that Christmas is like...NEXT WEEKEND!!  Um.  I'd better start shopping.

We have plans for this holiday - our families are overwhelming at the holidays and trying to juggle everything and everyone is always more than we care to think about.  And - I think like a lot of people - we get into the middle of it, throw our hands up and say "next year we're going into HIDING for Christmas!!"

Well, this year we sort of ARE!  We rented a house on the Oregon coast and we leave on Wednesday, come home on Sunday.  Christmas just the 4 of us - I know it won't be perfect but it will be GREAT!  I'm working on the menu for while we're there - healthy and clean foods!  I'm bringing warm clothes for long walks on the beach, we're bringing boards games, the Wii, and NO computers!  Can you tell I'm excited!

I'm still pretty distracted by stress and it's showing in what I eat.  I'm not binging but I'm not abstaining either.  I wouldn't call it a happy medium - but I would call it "surviving".  And it's the best I've got for now. 
I'm maintaining my weight AND my sanity.  I haven't been reading other blogs - I've been falling asleep so early at night, I'm just exhausted with everything going on.    But that means less hours of eating, right?  I mean if I'm asleep by 10 instead of midnight - that's one less snack (healthy or not) that I'm eating.  (I'm still the queen of Rationalizing...sigh)

In our puppy news - we're working on getting the rescue we adopted her from closed down.  For good.  I've since found out some pretty heinous information about them and will begin a sincere campaign to have their doors closed and penalties enforced.  They KNEW they had parvo in their house.  They adopted out a dog recently who contracted it and survived.  So bringing in a litter of puppies into a parvo infected house - and then DENYING it is downright irresponsible and inhumane.  Am I angry?  You bet I am.  I still picture those last 6 days of that puppy fighting for her life.  And ultimately losing.  And now OUR house is infected with parvo - which means no puppies or un-vaccinated dogs for AT LEAST a year - more if we want to be safe about it.  We WILL be doing the responsible thing in that regard.

I hope every one's Holidays are going well - that your journeys are still moving in the direction you planned and that love and the spirit of Christmas is alive for all of you!!



Saturday, December 11, 2010

good news bad news

yesterday was definately a low point.  Our puppy was doing so well but ran out of fight.  She passed yesterday afternoon.  2 dogs in 4 months.  We still have one at home and I can only pray he stays healthy for a long time.  I don't know how much more I can stand.  I need to recognize that I've got a healthy family and be grateful.  But I miss her.  She was only in our lives for 1.5 weeks - just enough to love her deeply and miss her. 

On the good news front - I finally got off my butt and exercized - boot camp for 20 minutes and Wii Fit for 15.  Not earth shattering but moving.  Tonight we have a Christmas party to go to and I'm hoping that the recent memory of movement will help me remember to stick to my plan.  And tomorrow there will be another bootcamp.  At least 20 minutes if not the full 30.  (the disadvantage of doing it at home is that I can quit before all 5 sets are done...)

Down to 191.4 this morning.  I will do measurements soon - a little overdue but what new. 

Hope everyone's having a great weekend - I miss staying caught up on blogs - I need to work on that as well - I just haven't had the *whatever* to sit at the computer for very long let alone focus.  Please forgive me.


Friday, December 10, 2010

a few more details about what's going on...

It's been a killer couple of weeks - some medical decisions that were stressful (but all A-OK now), a new puppy, a very sick puppy, a nearly dead puppy and 3+ nights of no sleep.

Stress has been at an all time high.  And while that's no excuse - well, it's BEEN my excuse.  I've been just out of control enough to feel guilty.  But not gain weight.  But realize some very important things.  I am a food addict.  And I'm not sure - no - I AM sure: That will never change.  I can continue to try and control it.  And I will try and control it 100% of the time.  But there are times that I will relapse.  And like all addicts, what counts is picking myself up and starting over again.  I'm hanging steady at 192.0 - which on one hand is good on the other hand it's telling my brain that the junk I'm eating won't make me gain weight (BULLCRAP it won't!)  I haven't been working out - I've been exhausted in the true medical sense of the word. 

But I know that working out leads to better sleep which leads to all sorts of great things.  So tonight I will work out - by bleaching my whole house. 

which leads me to our puppy story. 
We brought home a rescue puppy on Tuesday Nov. 30.  She's an 8 week old boxer pup.  She and our 3.5 year old boy boxer get along famously!! Sunday night she started throwing up.  And had stinky, liquid poo (sorry...that's gross).  We thought it was her getting adjusted to new food, new surroundings, and maybe she got into something she shouldn't have.  Monday still throwing up but still 100% puppy energy so we figured it wasn't anything serious.  That changed when Monday night to Tuesday morning her energy disappeared, the throwing up got worse and so did the other end.  First thing Tuesday we took her to the vet - diagnosis:  Parvo.  Deadly.  Serious.  The first vet wanted to hospitalize her and rehydrate.  I went to our other vet and begged them to teach me how to administer the sub Q IV and treat her at home.  Not only couldn't we justify the $2000+ for the first vet, but the home health care she would be with people who loved her round the clock. 

Today she's still not out of the woods - but she's still with us.  I'm doing the IV, anti-biotics, and anti-emetics through the night while my husband does them during the day.  I'm exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I know this will all be worth it.  She will either pass knowing she is loved and cared for or she will fight her way back to health and know she is loved and cared for.  And eventually I'll get some sleep.

so while I'm off the wagon, the wagon is still in sight.  And I will climb back on and ride it off into the sunset - hopefully with a puppy galloping along side. 

I vow to start blogging more - that is one of the keys to my recovery.  Staying focused and accountible.  It's far to easy to hide under the covers with a pice of chocolate than it is to know that you're going to make your story - sins and all - public. 

So stay tuned, thanks for hanging in there with me - and let's DO this!


Thursday, December 9, 2010

checking in - day 1 again.

Stress level is at an all time high - our puppy is sick, there's some family stuff going on and I turned to food.  Candy.
But I've started over again and I can do this again.  I'll update more later - when I've gotten some sleep and can type without massive numbers of typos. 
Weight is 192.0, moral is on the rise. 

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

coming out of my slump - and a new puppy!

I've been in a slump - blog silence on my end usually means just that.  I've been struggling to keep up my healthy eating and I haven't been working out.  My weight has stayed the same but that's NOT my goal in this journey.  I'm hanging out at 191 still - so close to 180's.  But I'm really mentally struggling.  It's been cold.  I've been exhausted.  I haven't felt 100% well.  I've got a million other excuses.  I've spent 42 years making excuses.  I'm a freaking Excuse Expert. 
I'm signed up for a 5k on 12/12 - so I'd better get my butt in gear.  I'm contemplating a 1/2 marathon in April - I'd better get my butt in gear.  I've lost 49 pounds and have 41 more to go - I'd better get my butt in gear.

If only it were as easy to DO as it were to say.  I've cheated on my abstinence foods - sugar AND candy.  Still no chips - as if there's solace in that.  But today's a new day and Day 1 again. 

And tonight I'll do my bootcamp at home - 30 minutes of sweat inducing exercise.  Even if the new puppy lucks my toes the whole time!
8 week old Sadie

August we lost our oldest boxer Gunner, his brother Houdini has missed him (we have too...).  Sadie joined our family yesterday - 8 weeks old, 5-ish pounds - she's a handful but oh so very very sweet!!  Cuddly and people oriented.  House training has begun - crate training and commands will follow that.  Puppy school maybe for this one!  I need to train her to run with me too - boxers need a lot of exercise and while we walk Houdini - he's too random to run with.  He swerves!! 

So there you have it - check in from Guilty-land.  But I'm still here, still accountable, and still willing and able to do this!!