Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Panic..mayhem...distress..dilema!!

I said earlier this week that I wouldn't get on the scale until Friday.  Well, I lied.  Ok - I meant to lie.  This morning, after having a couple good days under my belt, I slid that bad boy out from it's little cubby hole and hit the button with my toe...nothing.  Err...maybe I didn't hit it hard enough.  Tapped it again.  Oh no.  nothing.  what the heck?  I tried another button and the third.  Nothing.  And Nothing.  Dead.  My scale died.  What am I supposed to DO without a scale?!  I scoured the house for new batteries - nearly pulling appliances apart for a power source.  I found 2 rechargable batteries and put them in (can you hear the panic as I'm searching the house for batteries for crying out loud?!?!).
Still nothing.  It's dead.  shouldn't there be a warning or something??  Low battery - think about getting some new ones - SOMETHING?! 
So I didn't lie.  I haven't been on the scale in a few days.  And now I'm considering leaving work just to buy batteries and weigh myself!  One obsession exchanged for another. 
Does everything have to be a battle? 

Ok - tonight, batteries, and if that doesn't work, a new scale!

And today, healthy eating and another run (2.5 miles again tonight - maybe my husband will come again!)

How do people do it now weighing daily?  That's putting a lot of trust in yourself - that seems crazy to me right now.  I do not trust myself - more specifically, my body.  Why do I think of my body as so untrustworthy?  Hmm...points to ponder. 

So - dear readers - here's my question:  How often do you weigh?  Do you have little tricks, routines, habits when it comes to the scale?  Tell me all about it!!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

backing away from the ledge....

Things are definately getting better again - my OA group isn't meeting tomorrow night so I'll have to be disciplined and sit down for awhile on my own and work through more of my action writing for step 4.  Meanwhile, I'm feeling more under control.  I had lots of negative feelings leading up to my binge on Sunday.  Monday was hard to keep it all from completely going downhill - it is always so much easier to just throw the towel in, admit that you can't reach your goal, and eat to my hearts delight.  I had been thinking a LOT about the foods I miss.  I was making shopping lists in my head - and even went to the grocery store.  I premptively took my husband and quietly shopped for healthy foods while mentally shopping for the foods I wanted.  I still need to plan out more meals for the week, I've got some good stuff here but not enough to make several meals and lunches like I usually do.  But I will. 
Tonight I did my training plan - 2.5 miles.  Well, it was really a little less than that - but 39 minutes of running.  My husband went with me and insisted that I kicked his butt.  I think he's just being nice.  Mathmatically, it's so much easier for him to run.  Someone can do the math but his legs are 8" longer than mine.  And at 5'-10" and 205 pounds, he's not carrying as much extra weight as me.  But he took our dog with us for the first halr and then dropped the dog off and jogged along for the second loop.  It was kind of fun - he pushes me in a very lovely way.  Challenging me to run a little harder, a little longer.  He loves me and it shows in everything we do together.

Well, it's weigh ins for Biggest Loser - time to go cheer them ALL on!!  (PS.  How frustrating is it to be disappointed with a FIVE pound weight loss - that's the worst part of the show for me is that these contestants work so hard and lose SO much weight.  When they're under pressure and lose 5 pounds in one week and still don't "win" - there's something so basically WRONG WITH THAT!! ok.  enough ranting, time to go snuggle with the hubby and watch some TV)

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Monday, March 29, 2010

Run Forest Run!!

Feeling back on track - and with a plan.  I'm not getting on the scale until Friday.  I need to wean myself from that thing.  It's not always going to show what I want it to show and only serves as reinforcement when I'm being hard on myself.  So no scale until Friday.

Today was the maiden run on my new shoes - and a long run to boot!  4 miles.  59 minutes.  Slow as molasses but running!  Among the funny things going on in my brain while I'm putting one new shoe in front of another...a new nickname. 

I'm now calling myself Forest Plump.  Come on, admit it, it's kind of funny.  I promise not to use it out loud. But from now on, I will be thinking of myself as Forest Plump. 

And I went grocery shopping - and I've got meals for the rest of the week.  I feel MUCH more under control.  And much less negative about my slip.  Screw it - it was popcorn.  I will learn from it.  I will grow from it.  And I will succeed.  Or die trying!

TTFN,
Forest Plump

slow motion accident...

You know when you see them - or right before you see them - you know what's about to happen but in that split second, there's nothing you can do but squeeze your eyes shut and say a prayer. 
That was me last night. 
After a full day of negative thoughts - a friend posted up pictures from my husband's party.  I felt beautiful, and my hair and make up looked great, but there were a few photos - you know the ones.  I'm sure to everyone else they look fine.  But I can ONLY see the neon signs pointing to giant fat arms, saggy breasts, huge hips, giant rear end, wrinkles, and on and on and on.  I couldn't even convince myself of being anything BUT an obese beast.  Negative Self Talk.  Sonofabitch. 
All of the worry and thoughts and everything that leads up to a binge was there.  I have the tools to avoid it and didn't use them.
I ended up binging.  *hangs head low*

We went to the movies and on the way there, I struggled with all of the thoughts that had been accumulating all day.  My plan was to be able to go to the movie, bring my baby carrots, and find triumph in avoiding the popcorn, candy, and soda. 

We picked the movie, it was time to go and we were out of carrots.  And my brain could only watch the wreck that happened after that. 

But I can honestly say that while it was a binge, it was better than binging of the past.  We ordered popcorn and I chose a candy I could easily share (and would last a longer time).  M&M's were out - I don't usually share those and the one pound bag at the theater was something like 1,000,000 calories.  So I chose milk duds and told my husband he WOULD be eating half the box.  I split them up and handed his portion over.  I made mine last awhile - enjoying each one.  Mostly.  I was gathering speed with each Dud though.  I could feel it and I did NOTHING to stop it. 
My plan for the popcorn was to take it handful by handful out and keep track of how much I ate.  One popcorn at a time. 

About popcorn:  99% of the time, I'm very polite when I eat.  Mouth closed, dainty bites, correct silverware - it's a pet peeve of mine.  But with popcorn?  All bets are off - bring me the feed bag, I'm eatin' me some popcorn here!!  So being in control, counting the quantity, and not burrying my head in the bucket were all part of the plan. 
Here's where I did Ok.  I did eat it slowly, I did only eat a few pieces at a time, and I did start off counting my handfulls. 
Here's where I did NOT do ok.  I had allowed myself 5 handfuls.  But as I was eating it - and with the momentum I built with the Milk Duds - I ended up losing track of my handfulls and throwing in the towel.  I have no idea how much I ate.  It was more than the 5 I had budgeted for.  But like a drunk surrounded by bottles, the bucket was empty and I'm fairly certain I outpaced my husband, even a handfull at a time. So by my best count, I ate MOST of a large movie theater popcorn WITH butter. 

And, to make matters worse, by the time we got home, having skipped dinner, I was genuinely hungry!!  And hadn't gone grocery shopping.  And had a large bag of candy there. 

Ok - I did NOT open the bag of candy - that is safely handed over to my co-worker so she can deal it, I mean hand it out freely, to other employees.  What I did do was make an egg sandwich.  not bad, not great, not a binge. 
I spent the rest of the evening mentally beating myself up.  I was simultaneously trying to drag myself away from that punishing. 

This morning I'm renewed.  Still suffering from guilt - but back on track.  I dropped the candy off - bag still sealed, had my usual breakfast, snack, and now lunch.  And brought my running clothes for my long run tonight (my daughter has soccer practice, I'll use that time - and the track around the field they're playing on - to get my 4 miles in tonight). 

So there it is.  A bump in the road.  A lesson is in there somewhere.  And hopefully the scale is nicer to me tomorrow than it was this morning.  I will not lose this war. 

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Pictures!!

My shoes and new headband:



My snack - pretty and filling:



And finally, me with makeup!



Now off for my walk!


TTFN,
LauraLynne

what to do when you're hungry...blog!!

Pictures still forthcoming - I promise. 

But as I'm sitting here, having just eaten lunch an hour ago - my kids got home and fixed a very fragrent lunch for themselves.  I find myself hungry again.  But I'm questioning it.  I ate a bowl of soup and a cobb salad for lunch.  About 2 hours ago.  And really I could find a snack and quench my hunger.  But the hungry is bringing back old feelings.  There's a giant bag of candy in the kitchen - I can picture myself eating ALL of it.  There's bread in the freezer - yup.  That's on the list of what I WANT to eat right now.  There's brownie mix, cookie making's and other very tempting things in my house right now. 

I've been doing really well resisting temptation.  Too well.  I'm starting to see the beginning of the end.  The little nibbles that don't make it on my food list - I get over confident and try adding up numbers in my head.  But that devilish side of me - the addicted side of me - rounds numbers down.  forgets about nibbles.  and it's a slippery slope. 

And it's hitting me hard.  I've lost over 30 pounds.  I'm training for a half marathon.  I'm working the steps of OA.  And I guess I expected these feelings to just go away.  But it's only been 12 weeks.  Or fill in the blank.  I suspect that these feelins will never go away.  At least I'm not giving in.  Yet.  But good lord.  They're strong.  And I will have to combat them - over and over. 

I resolve to fix myself a healthy snack to quell the real hunger.  And go for a walk (it's a rest day in my training).  And at some point I have to go grocery shopping for dinner tonight and this week's lunches.  But I won't do it while I'm feeling this way. It would be like walking into a trap.  No thank you. 

And I have blogging awards - I'll do a seperate post on those - after my snack and walk!  :)

Thank to everyone reading this.  It really does make a difference.  YOU really make a difference to me.  Being accountable to those who stumble across my little blog, those who are following along, and for myself actually.  I go back and read my own thoughts and struggles and I learn a little more each time.  And eventually...I will conquer this!! 
I just want to feel normal.  Not on the verge of utter free fall chaos. 

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Home from the party...

Last night was the party I threw for my husband's 40th birthday - about 30 people or so came!!  It was at our favorite Mexican restaurant so I was prepared for the menu - and I only ate half of my sliver of cake. 
I took a picture of myself with make up on, it's like a bigfoot sighting it's so rare.  I also spent the day running around - mani/pedi, new running shoes, hair and makeup done, pick up the cake (and I bought a giant bag of candy bars thinking that I was going to make treat bags...but they're sitting in the car and I need to just take it into work tomorrow and give it to someone...before I dive in and it's too late!!)
I'm off to church this morning, I'll update in detail - and with pictures - later!!

Have a great Sunday everyone!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Friday, March 26, 2010

day 4...running!

Tonight was day 4 of half marathon training.  2 miles.  Real miles.  And on my run I figured something out.  I was disappointed for several reasons - the main one being that I have to reset my goals.  I like challenges.  I like to challenge and push myself.  And now I'm going backwards - I wanted to IMPROVE my times.  So now I'm at day 0.  Which is fine.  I have a new goal to beat - I did 2 miles in 29 minutes.  So now I have a starting point (again...). 
Tonight threw a lot of obstacles in my way - my husband was going to run with me so I waited at his shop for him. And it got later and later.  And the sun started going down.  And I had to eat something - I was starving.  And I wanted to go out to eat.  And I didn't want to run by myself when he told me his knee hurt.  I had EVERY reason not to run.  But when we got home, late and hungry, I put on my running skirt, running watch, running shoes, and I hit the bricks.  My daughter ran with me - she runs circles around me.  And I ran in the dark.  With no baseline time to compare myself to.  But *I DID IT*.  Phew.
Now - dinner:  Chicken breast and pasta.  Sound familiar?  Yup.  Same as last night.  I cooked a load of chicken breast and love it - and while I LIKE variety, I don't mind monotony either.  I'm easy when it comes to food - as long as it looks pretty! 
On the calender for tomorrow:  New running shoes!!  And maybe another running skirt, this one's getting too big already!! 

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Numbers - good and bad...

Let's get the bad out of the way - my brain is just rehashing and rehashing on this one...

I mapped my running last night on dailymile.com - and the loop I was doing that I thought was a mile was only .88   OK - it should be a big deal that missing .12, right?  But it brings my mile time down from 12 minutes to 14.  .12 miles is playing huge tricks on my brain.  I'm ALL about numbers.  Pounds, miles, sizes, math, numbers numbers numbers - my world revolves around numbers.  So this is really kicking my butt.  It shouldn't.  And if this were someone else's blog and someone else's sad news of the day - I would tell them to "buck up" and be proud they're out there running.  And maybe by tomorrow I'll take my own advice.  But today I'm bummed.  *deeep breath!!*

Ok - and on to the good numbers!!  Scale.  My work is paying off.  209.2 this morning.  Total loss of over 30 pounds now!!  30.8 to be precise.  In 12 weeks.  nearly 2.5 pounds a week on average.  107,800 calories I DIDN'T eat (since I only just started working out, most of those pounds were purely from cutting calories).  wow. 

Ok - enough with the numbers, I'm sure I've lost a few of you...I'm ready to take on the day!! 

First...a bagel thin w/ lite garlic herb cream cheese.  It is Friday - bagel day in my office.  I have bagel thins stashed in the freezer so that I'm not tempted by the fresh hot crusty bagels they bring in.  350 calories each.  Some days they're worth it.  Not today! 

Tonight's run will be on the full mile loop (1.03 actually - geek!).  I'll report back my new running numbers!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Thursday, March 25, 2010

RUNNING AWAY!!

well - not away - but doesn't that sound devine!!  My biggest fantasy is to disappear to a hotel on the beach and turn off the phone, the computer, turn on the TV and sit in my jammies for days watching sunrises, sunsets, and HBO. 

Anyways...tonight was day 3 of running.  And for those doing the math - yes, last night I did not run.  I was at OA until late and then hadn't had dinner by the time I got home at 10:30. 

But tonight I ran.  3.09 miles.  in 37:27 minutes.  12 minute miles.  Outside in the rain.  Mile 3 was the easiest actually!!  I basically did a 5K - and in better time than the 5K's I did when I'd been training for longer.  I am so excited for the interval training.  By golly - it's working!!

Tomorrow's weigh in day.  And Friday.  I'm not sure which one I'm looking more forward to!

And this weekend I will have enough time to work through step 4.  Stay tuned for more deep insightful posts about how effed up my parents were/are.  Someday they'll read this.  And I hope they understand where my heart is in re-telling my story.  Maybe once I'm healthier and have worked through all this - I can find a way to have a better adult relationship with both of them.  Or not.  I have an amicable relationship with them both now.  But not perfect. 

Anyways...time to eat my dinner (chicken breast and pasta) and snuggle up with my sexy husband...I have a good life!!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Snapping out of it

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......

Mostly back to the land of the (relatively) sane. I have forgotten what a roller coaster PMS takes you on. I'm happy to report that the slide was only emotional and did not affect my food plan/recovery. I'm still on track and kind of excited to weigh in tomorrow. Is that sick?? *insert huge grin*

Last night's OA meeting was interesting. I made a connection I hadn't made before. I was talking about the fact that it's very difficult, nearly impossible, to give myself credit for anything. One of the women asked me why I thought that was. My immediate answer went to my early relationship with my dad. He was abusive. Physically. Spanked us every day. Was very violent and an angry man. We could do NOTHING right. No matter how hard we tried, we still got beat on a daily basis. But we still tried. Schoolwork, housework, homework, we strived for perfection thinking that one day he would approve, we would be good enough, and he would stop the torture. But it never happened.
I remember his yellow van. Just thinking about it makes my chest tight, my heart race, and stomach churn. We would get home from school, do our homework, chores, start dinner, and wait. We were latchkey kids from early on. I was in second grade. We lived at the end of a road so there wasn't much traffic. And while we had a garge around the back of the house, he would always park in front. And the pressure was on as soon as he pulled up. Did we do enough, were our clothes ok, was our schoolwork up to his standards?? Evey single day we waited to be inspected, criticized, berated, yelled at, and spanked. We kept trying. As young children it NEVER occured to us that his bar was above our reach, that his standards were not realistic, that his disappointment was permanent. As kids we kept trying every single day. And failing. Every single day.
My dad's standards are now my own. Not for anyone else in th world except me. I'm never good enough, I'm never deserving, I'm not worthy of praise or reward.
At least today's tears are not hormone related, they are tears of growth and understanding.
As children, even as adult children, we defend our parents. We HAVE to believe they did their best. It's safer that way. But why are we protecting them??? What have they done to protect us? I'm angry with my father for how he treated us. But to what end? He has no idea just how his actions affected me. None. He has tried to apologize but I don't WANT his apology. To what end? What's done is done. Healing is my job, forgiving is my job, being angry won't change anything. Being sorry certainly hasn't.

So now my job is to forgive myself. To see myself how God sees me. Beautiful in all my imperfections. Talented and hard working. Able and willing to try and keep trying. He loves me as I am. And if I am good enough for Him, why isn't that good enough for me?


TTFN,
LauraLynne

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

running day 2 - and PMS sucks.

warning - TMI ahead...

I've had an IUD in for over 6 years - I just had it removed 2 weeks ago.  I have not had a period (or PMS) in over 6 years.  I forgot what it's like.  Today I'm just sad.  For no reason.  I want to curl up on the couch with a blanket and the remote.  I wanted to leave work early just for a hug from my husband.  I'm not in any physical pain - but I feel like someone smacked my emotions with a 2x4.  They're all over the place and today the wheel landed on 'sad'.  I've been reading through blogs - trying to find inspiration and leave positive comments in hopes of lifting my own spirit as well.  What I saw was a lot of women struggling lately.  Or maybe that's just what I focused on. 
I'm in turmoil over some personal decisions but generally life is really good right now.  Even my teenagers are doing well. 
With that in mind - today was day 2 of marathon training.  And I had to force myself out the door.  But I did it.  nd tonight I did not get attacked by a dog - oh ya, I forgot to mention that last night.  Apparently my legs look like delicious milk bones.  Costco sized milkbones.  And a tiny dog jumped on them from behind.  Scared the bejesus out of me!!  Tonight I only got barked at - I can live with that!
But I powered through.  And ate a healthy dinner.  And am now about to go lay on the love sac and watch the rest of Biggest Loser.  Or fall asleep.  I just don't care. 
Tomorrow night is my OA meeting.  And I still haven't done my assignment.  Still stuck on step 4.  But I'm bringing the book to work with me tomorrow.  And I will get some writing done.
Until then, I'm going to just wallow in sadness, watch a sad movie, get some crying out of my system, and snuggle with my husband (who's birthday happens to be today!!). 

The good news in all of this is that I haven't had any slips in food. I'm still going strong.  Still writing it all down - eating well - managing. 

And PMS does end.  But my journey will not. 

Until tomorrow!!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Monday, March 22, 2010

Running Proof

2 miles - 26 minutes - 2run/1walk intervals.
I did it!  I'm sweaty and hot - but good lord - I did it! AND the mile loop at my house has a dip in it - it's got a gnarly uphill at one section - so I get hill training too!!

AND - my daughter not only found an outfit for her interview - she aced the interview and got hired on the spot!!  I can't support her much there though - it's Dairy Queen.  She'll have to settle for non-eating support!!
Me, sweaty and hot - but running 13 minute miles!



TTFN,
LauraLynne

Time is relative...

I'm signed up - half marathon on June 26th.  I'm nervous but really excited.  New purpose to light a fire under my butt. 
Here's the interesting train of thought this morning.  I started this portion of my journey 11 weeks ago.  They've been LOOONG weeks.  It feels like I've been doing this forever and in that context my brain says "you've worked so hard for so long and what do you have to show for it?!  30 pounds, 30 measly pounds.  All the work - all the time - only 30 pounds"
Ok - I didn't say my brain was logical.  That's obvioulsy nonsense.  I've worked hard, it's paying off, 30 pounds is a VERY good result. 

On the flip side of the coin - I've got 15 weeks to train for a half marathon.  I've got my training plan laid out, I've got my running clothes and a support partner (yay for my hubby! He's a reluctant runner but going to grit his teeth and help me out - God bless him!).  I feel like I can totally do this!  15 weeks is right around the corner, not much time to train!

And then - like so often happens these days - the 2 equations came together.  If I've lost 30 pounds in 11 weeks, I can (more than likely) lose 30 pounds in 15 weeks.  That means that come race day, I will weigh 180 pounds.  And only have 30 more pounds to go

Holy.  Crap. 

15 weeks seems short for marathon training - 11 weeks of weight loss feels like a lifetime. Add them both together and *POW*, weight loss seems more managable! Funny how the brain works. 

Sunday, March 21, 2010

good weekend with a bad ending.

My daughter is 16.  She's a few pounds overweight - not many - but a few.  And she's shaped like her dad:  ALL of her weight is in her tummy. 
She's job hunting.  And on top of getting  goal today, she scored a job interview!!  She's slightly tomboyish, likes to wear comfortable clothing and has NOTHING to wear for tomorrow night's interview. 

So we went shopping. 

*insert horror music here*

1 - I hate shopping
2 - she and I butt head over everything
3 - I really hate shopping
4 - I wanted to support her and go shopping with her

BIG.  MISTAKE.

My mom was not tactful in being able to tell me as a teen that I was fat and couldn't wear the same clothes as my friends.  I'm afraid I did the same thing to my daughter tonight.  There were tears.  And I feel like such a failure.  She's trying to wear pants that are too small - she gets them to fit by letting her tummy hang over the waistband.  So then every shirt she puts on is NOT flattering.  And the pants don't quite fit right (we're all familiar with "bulging pocket syndrom" - right?)
And I tried to be supportive - I still struggle with buying clothes.  I hate how I look - I totally understand.  But she tried on a dress.  THE dress.  It looked amazing.  It was cotton, it was professional but not "old", it was black and could be dressed up or dressed down later.  But she hated it.  H.A.T.E.D. it.  I tried asking questions.  I tried to figure out what she dind't like.  Was it the dress - the fit, the color, the style?  Was it her body image?  If I was going to be there to help, I needed answers.  I tried walking away.  Nothing helped. 
The only dresses she liked were beach attire.  Cotton jersey knit dresses.  NOT ok for an interview. 
I tried to explain that you don't HAVE to like interview clothes - you wear them for 2 hours and then gratefully slip out of them.  You just have to impress the person you're meeting - and a sun dress isn't going to accomplish that. 
There was no compromising.  And more tears.  And my Mother of the Year trophy was getting farther and farther out of reach.  (OK - I've never been in the running...I admit it fully)
And now she still in her room, trying to figure out how to make t-shirt and jeans look professional. 
And I'm blogging.  Trying to figure out how NOT to be like my mom. 
And there are tears.

Just when I thought nothing was harder than my own weight problem, I realized that watching my daughter's weight problem is worse.  And all I can do is watch. 

TTFN,
LauraLynne

progress pictures posted

under the progress picture tab.  I can't hardly stnad to look at them - but that's part of my disease.  They're not as bad as my brain tells me they are.  And I'm still a work in progress. 

Todays' agenda:  another soccer game, some work (I sell Partylite - helping out  friend with a fundraiser!!), then a nice long walk to try and measure out some distances in my neighborhood tonight for running...

Saturday, March 20, 2010

blogging too much?!

Ok - here's what I got done today:

meal planning (but haven't grocery shopped yet - tomorrow!)
half marathon training plan here (note - I am NOT a doctor - check with a professional before starting a training plan of any kind!)
running skirt and shirt - cute and on sale!!

Still no tennis shoes - tomorrow.

But - brag alert for my daughter - she got a goal today!!  :)

news from planet Exercise...region of crazyland...

Ok.  It's done.  I'm signed up.  I'm buying running shoes today.  For a race on June 27.  15 week training plan.  Ask me what race...
Not a 5K
Not a 10K

Because my son asked me to run with him.  13.1 miles.  Rock and Roll Seattle Half Marathon.

Told you I'm crazy.

And just to prove it the scale said 210.6 this morning.  29.4 pound gone. 

Off to buy shoes, download a training plan, and get this less wobbly than December butt in gear. 

Hubby promises progress pictures today too.  Pre-crazy photos ;)

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Friday, March 19, 2010

Because she SAID so...Friday fun

I'm reposting this and having fun - play along won't you!!  Thank you Me, Drazil, & Sheniqua

1. If you could be a weather forecast, what would you be and why?


sunny - yup.  Boring, but warm and makes most people happy.  that sums it up.  (Calling my therapist now...)

2. If you could be a crayon, what color would you be and why?

Not sure - but it would have some funky all out there name...like Lunar - something that someone thought up and it sounded good and now they're slapping their forehead going "what the HELL was I thinking?!?"

3. What is/was your biggest physical goal you want to do when you hit your goal weight?

I really want to finish a half ironman.  Really really.  I've done sprint triathalons and I've done a half marathon, and I know that if I put my mind to it, next summer, I COULD compete in a half ironman. 

4. If you could be any animal, what would it be and why?

A cat.  Even though I don't particularly LIKE them...they have a life of luxury!! Lay in sunbeams being their primary goal.

5. Just because I’m new to some followers and I’m curious – let’s do a put it out there in black and white stat question.



What was your highest weight? 310

What is your weight now? 212.4
What is your goal weight if you have one? 150 (subject to review!)

What is your goal size if you have one? I would love to fit in a size 8 - any size 8, just grabbing a single digit size off the rack and knowing it fits....

What diet/program/tool do you follow/have if any? I count calories – 1200 a day is my goal

How did you lose the weight current to today? Gastric bypass 9 years ago - now calorie counting and 12 step program

6. What’s your best advice for people in this weight loss journey?

find what works for you.  Low carb?  Raw food?  whole food?  Nutri system, jenny craig, weight watcher, richard simmons, wii fit - whatever works FOR YOU.  You know your body - and if you don't educate yourself.  Make small goals, and keep moving forward.  There will be set backs.  Keep looking forward.  Find friends who will support and encourage you.  Deal with the demons that got you there - banish them - replace them with healthy positive thoughts and the actions will follow. 


7. Have you ever shaved your whootananny?

Answering!!  Yes.  and waxed.  Prefer waxing.  By  large margin. 

Friday weigh in...

Another week gone by - this one filled with introspection and self discovery.  I'm still processing all of it. 
At one point this week, the scale read 215.  But I was more aware of the progress I was making in my behaviors and the discoveries of my patterns.  Today, I'm glad to report, it read 212.4.  Down at least a little bit. 
Successes this week include resisting binging - with increased stress and raging hormones, it was a close call.  I did have a couple times that I ate when I wasn't hungry or just because I WANTED something.  I do NOT like giving in to those feelings.  And while they're not binging, they do NOT feel healthy. 
I also took some progress pictures - they're in the bathroom at work.  Ya, I'm a dork.  And I took some pictures of some tasty lunches at work! 

And with that - Happy Friday and here you go:

Me at @ 212:




And tasty snack under 200 calories (135 actually!):


And lunch for 350 calories - meatball sandwich!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Another piece of the puzzle!!

I'm driving to my OA meeting tonight, thinking about what's happened with me this week and thinking too about the questions for step 4 that I haven't done yet. And then it hit me. Like chocolate and peanut butter, 2 things you wouldn't normally put together but then you do and WHAM! Brilliance.
Ok, so a couple days ago I blogged about missing the punishment. And I've been pondering it since then, trying to figure out where it came from.
And tonight I was thinking about my childhood. And the connection dawned on me.
My dad abused me as a child - not in a sexual way.  When he got home, he would inspect the house, us, our homework until he found something "punishable" and then we would all line up for spankings.  Except they weren't really spanking - he used to beat us.  There's no nice way to put it.  There were spoons, belts, paddles, and in a pinch, his open hand.  When we wore extra underware to absorb the blow, we got MORE spankings.  He has ripped out clothes off in fury to 'spank' us. 
In his defense, it wasn't malicious.  He felt he was being a good dad.  In reality, I learned that I needed to be punished every single day.  And when he was no longer around (my parents divorced), I took over the responisiblity of my punishment. 
Only I couldn't spank myself.  So I started eating.  Binging.  Hiding.  Sneaking.  The guilt I felt afterwards was the same as the guilt I felt for being a "bad child" in my dad's eyes.  And to my adolecent brain, it was logical.  I wasn't deserving of reward or praise - but punishment?  Bring it on.  I deserved it.  I was "bad". 
I've never made that connection before tonight.  But it's huge.  A very large piece of the puzzle. 

The other epiphany that I had tonight is that my relationship with God is a lot like my relationship with the people around me - he will not do all the work for me.  Nor will he give me more than I can handle.  I'm struggling with my addiction and solving it one small piece at a time.  And God is helping me - in small doses, as much as I can handle at once.  He wants me to meet him halfway - do my own work and trust him to carry me when I'm weak.  My faith is growing - what a wonderful thing!!

I'm off to bed - enough revalations for one night!!


TTFN,
LauraLynne

OA meeting tonight...

...and I still haven't started step four.  Not for lack of trying.  I've sat down and stared at a blank piece of paper several times over the last week.  I'm just not sure WHAT to write.  I have memories and emotions all the way back to infancy.  My mom jokes that I could describe the delivery room.  Trying to sort through all of that - most of it negative and ugly - seems overwhelming and I haven't quite figured out how to break it into managable sections yet.  I will ask for help at the meeting tonight.  I'm still mulling over my last epiphany - and my husband added something even more interesting to it. 
I do miss the punishment aspect of binging.  Somehow life seems incomplete without it.  I'm normally a very positive person as I've mentioned before - but without this punishment cycle, I have a hard time being so positive - for the first time ever, it feels insincere and untruthful.  I do not know how to treat myself well.  It's something I need to learn.
And in the midst of all of this - as my husband pointed out to me - that I'm not the only one who punishes me.  I have family and friends who are quick to call and make me feel bad.  About not helping more, about not being in touch, about all sorts of things.  And none of the requests are reasonable or healthy - but they're a pattern I've lived with all my life.  I'm expected to be the strong one - to rescue everyone around me.  I'm grateful for my husband and kids because they're collectively the LEAST needy people I know.  Them and a few of my best friends. (And just to be clear - I have friends who ask me for help - but they've usually put in a lot of hard work themselves before making that call.  AND they'll be there for me when I need it - the people I'm referring to are typically helpless and love playing the victim)
I'm not making much sense - but I'm starting to see the patterns that step 4 is asking about. 
It's not going to be easy - but some of those patterns have to go.  And I'm working on it. 

In the binge department - today I 'caved' and had a few mini Reese's.  I logged them (36 calories each...) and am trying not to slip completely into the abyss that is overeating and loss of control.  that's the scary part for me.  It's not the 36 (or 144 calories - eek) that bother me.  It's the feeling of slipping back over the edge.  I have a hard time - usually I'm all or nothing.  So using moderation is difficult for me.  Being comfortable with moderation is foreign.  Anyone else feel that way? 

Well - off to my meeting!  Later tater!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Monday, March 15, 2010

Things I miss..

Carefree grocery shopping
The feeling of biting into a reeses peanut butter cup
Seconds
Thirds
Dessert
Snacking
Cupcakes
Frosting
Feeling overfilled (yes, I really DO miss that!)
Binging. There. I said it.
I'm really struggling right now. Every meal I think about all the things I miss. A trip to the grocery store is downright painful. I'm really down and hanging on by my fingernails. I have an even longer list of things I don't miss. Including th 27 pounds that I've shed.
But while I've been feeling very hopeful and opptimistic lately, something slipped Sunday morning. Stress? Tired? Life? Just all of it. I haven't overeaten. But with as much as I'm thinking about it, it feels like I did but without the binging, just the frustration and guilt. I'm feeling broken. Abnormal. Odd.
I feel like people can SEE what's wrong with me. I know it's just me judging me. I can't seem to cut myself any slack. I'm doing great. But all I see is what I'm doing wrong. I'm beating myself up for no good reason!! Like someone is playing a negative soundtrack in my head.
I do need to change some things. I must start exercising. I must do more food planning. I must start celebrating my accomplishments. I must find the my faith in God to bring me through the negative times. I must start step 4. I must.
I can't pinpoint where all this is coming from. It was like a switch. I marched into a grocery store INTENDING to buy candy. And I did. But I bought ONE cadbury creme egg and I tracked it. I budgeted for it. But I haven't forgiven myself.
For what?! I didn't screw up. I didn't even fall off the wagon. I'm up slightly on the scale but it's less than a pound and I'm still on track.
But I've missed punishing myself. Where in the hell did THAT come from. Did you see the light bulb dear readers? I miss punishing myself. How's that for messed up??!
I'm pausing here. I typed that without thinking first. But it's honest. And frightening. But wow. Right to the truth. Gods words in my brain and out my fingers.
He is here in all of this. And he does not judge me. And I need to learn from that.
I can do this. Even on bad days.


TTFN,
LauraLynne

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Food review: Orowheat sandwich thins

I forgot to take a Before shot so I give you this:


 
I have seen these referred to on multiple blogs and I finally remembered to look for them at the grocery store (I don't typically buy ANY bread - it's our family weakness, we would go through 10 loaves a week if it was available!).  But My goodness.  And I do mean Goodness!  The usual wheat bread that I like has 110 calories per slice.  So an air sandwich is already 220 calories.  Fully 18% of my daily allowance.  And that's before I add any fixin's! 
So I was praying that these were at least edible.  They're 100 calories for a "thin".  They look like someone sat on an english muffin.  As I assembled my shaved turkey sandwich at work, I debated wether or not to toast the 2 halves.  I decided against it, worried they would end up more like crackers. 
I forgot to take a picture of my maiden sandwich - but I am a stickler for presentation and these passed my test.  My sandwich looked appetizing and my eyes were happy.  Next critic: my tongue and tummy. 
Pass and pass!!  They're dense, which is good.  They're a little on the nutty flavored side of things which I like.  They're thin but not delicate.  I didn't have any deterioration as I ate my way from one round side to the other.  Not too chewy but not wafer-ish (ok - probably not a real word but jeesh...cut me some slack). 
And they were surprisingly filling!  My concern lately is that when I eat something, it won't satisfy my hunger or I will be genuinely hungry before it's time for my next meal or snack.  This definately satisfied my hunger!  And kept me filled!!
 
I've since gotten more creative with my thins:  I made a taco pizza with one open faced thin (both sides) with some taco seasoned ground chicken, a sprinkle of cheddar cheese and some salsa.  Again - no picture, but trust me, it was gone so fast!!  And less than 200 calories!
 
Today's sandwich was grilled turkey breast (thin sliced), some lettuce, and tomato.  Best Sandwich in a very long time!  I remembered 2 bites away from the end of it to snap a photo. 
 
Orowheat Sandwich Thins 100% whole wheat - 2 thumbs up!!





TTFN,
LauraLynne

Friday, March 12, 2010

Friday weigh in - and rewards!

Rewards...they're hard for me.  My brain has always turned to food which turned to guilt so what the heck kind of reward is that?!  I have a hard time giving myself credit for the things I do.  At work I'm pretty full of myself - I am a decent employee and I know my job very well.  But my personal life - my personal achievements?  Unless someone else hands me my "prize", I'm not helping myself.
When I first set out on this journey, I told myself (and my husband) that I was going to reward myself every 10 pounds with a massage.  And not just any massage - a scrub and massage with my favorite spa.  And 27 pounds later, I still haven't made my appointment.  Until this week.  I finally worked some comp time, took a 1/2 day off and went to my massage.  AHHHHHHH

Now I need to figure out how to convince myself that I DO deserve it.  Because I do work hard - every day.  And this isn't easy.  And I am making progress.  And so while most of us realize what NSV are (non-scale victories), I'm going to come up with NFR: Non food rewards. 
Part of my issue is that in the past, rewards have always been food related.  How many of us have set out to lose weight and told ourselves "as soon as I hit XXX pounds, I'm going to eat *fill in the blank*"  Well, that's not healthy.  That's how I got here. 
Work hard?  Get a candy bar.  Work out?  Extra bagel.  Smaller pants?  we're going out to eat!!  2 steps forwad, one step back. 
My crooked brain used to watch the calorie read out on the treadmill.  *Danger danger danger*  240 calories is a snickers bar for FREE.  By free I mean 0 net calories.  But I paid a far larger price by not changing my habits. 
So now I'm going to re-wire how I think.  I'm going back to my 10 pound reward system.  And I'm sticking to it until my brain realizes that this is healthy - and for life.  There's no buffet at the finish line.  There's not even really a finish line.  There's a goal weight, sure, but even that's up for discussion.  What's not up for discussion is binge eating, unhealthy relationship with food, and going back to old habits. 
So here I sit - scrubbed and rubbed - just thrilled that I went through with it.  Spa days are heaven.  When I'm getting a massage, I"m able to relax, turn off all the voices (it takes a little while to get there but I do eventually), and enjoy myself.  I feel pampered and special.  I don't worry about "does she think I'm fat?" or "I hope she's not grossed out by my body" as I'm laying there starkers on the table.  It all melts away. 
So it's an appropriate reward.  And I may try and think of a 5 pound reward as well - although a much less expensive one - just to try and get my brain to realize that food is NOT the only reward.
Or may tie in NSV with NFR - a new shirt for each new size jeans?  Or some clothing related reward having to do with what size I'm at?  If anyone has any suggestions for rewarding a change in thinking - I'm all ears!

And - drum roll - scale said 213.0 this morning.  Another 1.8 pound loss.  On track for 150 pounds by October 19, 2010 according to "lose it" ap on my IPhone. 

But more than that, I feel more under control, I feel  more successful and I'm beginning to feel worth the effort. 

Tomorrow: Some food reviews - healthy pantry and bread thins!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Thursday, March 11, 2010

diet map


People are starting to notice!!

In the past several days, I have had several people notice my weight loss and shyly ask "have you lost weight?"   I know they're sincere because it's not the schmoosy "you look great - have you lost weight - now that I'm your new BFF, let me tell you about *fill in the blank*"
And I'm thrilled.  I don't see it - and I really need to start taking progress pictures to be ABLE to see it.  But I also have a disconnect between what my brain sees and what the mirror shows.  So I avoid the mirror.  I know my wardrobe is expanding - I can wear jeans I haven't worn in a very long time - I know the jeans I have been able to wear are lose and baggy - I know T-shirts fit differently, I know I even had to buy some new underware.  But I still don't allow myself to celebrate these victories.  So when other people notice it, I allow my brain to celebrate just a tiny bit.  And I'm never quite sure how to respond.  Usually just a simple Thank You and I try and change the subject (I've just never been comfortable being the center of conversation). 
The next question they ask is How much have you lost (I tell them 27) and then they ask "How?!"
Here's where my sarcastic side has to be gagged.  I so badly want to say something like "I only eat foods that match the color of the sky that day" or something equally outlandish.  Something shocking that leaves them thinking "why didn't *I* think of that?!"
But the reality is that in addition to OA, I am on the "this or that math diet" or at least that's how I've come to think of it.  I count calories.  Everything I eat or drink and all (purposefull) exercise.  I don't count walking the extra distance from the back of the grocery parking lot, I don't include getting off the bus 1 or 2 stops early, I only include if I set out to exercise.  Which, truthfully, I haven't done much yet.
So as I'm making my food choices it goes something like:
1 - What sounds good?
2 - How many calories in that?
3 - Can I 'afford' that amount?
4 - Make my choice, sometimes adjusting quantity to fit the meal I crave into my calorie allowance. 

There are meals that are just crap - because they're serving pizza and it smells good.  So I eat 1/2 piece and some vegetables.  And for times that I'm extra hungry, it's large servings of fruits and vegetables along with some protein.  I try and listen to my body when it's hungry.  Then I listen to my brain. 

Slowly things are changing.  I haven't binged since December.  I'm on step 4 in OA (oh boy - revisiting my childhood - I can't think of a worse place to try and recount).  I am losing weight but more than that, I am regaining control.  With God's help. 

So really what I want to say when someone asks me genuinely "have you lost weight?!" is that I found the cure to my disease.  I am a food addict who's trying to change.  And so far, so good, thank you very much. 

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

My son the comdedian

Last night I finally made it to the grocery store. I have oodles of healthy food and meals planned! On a whim, instead of the healthy pantry meals, I decided to cook tacos last night. My son gave his exuberant yahoo over the announcement and I continued with "but I saw a really cool idea-instaed of taco shells, I'm putting them in lettuce leaves!"
My son's face fell and he told me "mom, that's NOT a taco, that's a meat salad!"
I'm counting the 5 minutes of laughing as exercise.
I did buy shells for the family but my tacos we on lettuce leaves:


In other, not so funny news, my brain was playing tricks on me yesterday. After I wrote about how successful this week's been in term of how I think about food, I started to slip back into old mental habits. Like a switch had been flipped. I was prepared though and determined to figure out why.

And I did, I think. My brain did acknowledge the success. But it interpreted it as being done. As if I'd reached the finish line and there was a free buffet. I've never been successful at changing my thinking about food before - I've been able to diet and lose weight but never addressed the addiction side of the problem. So this is all new territory for me. And it's interesting to be able to so clearly recognize the old patterns. I know it's not always going to work like this. I'm going to have days when my brain finds new ways to trick me into old habits. And there will be days I fall back into them. But yesterday was a good lesson.
And I'm still filled with hope.
And I packed lunches for the rest of the week. I'm trying out sandwich thins...I haven't heard a bad review yet. I will report back!


TTFN,
LauraLynne

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Musings and random thoughts

Some days I could write pages and pages of stuff and some days the words in my head look more like magnet poetry. Today is a magnet poetry type of day.
Yesterday was my annual doctor's appointment. It didn't just go well, it went fantastic. He asked how I was losing the weight and I told him the truth. Counting calories. Eating healthy. And working through the 12 step program. He was impressed.
My blood pressure is low, my cholesterol is less than 1:3 ratio (good:bad cholesterol - apparently now it's the ratios that matter more than the numbers, 1:4 is considered very good), and my weight is dropping. All that combined makes for a very good annual exam.
In food issues, I seem to be doing pretty good. I'm hesitant to say very good because I still struggle a lot with certain times and situations. But I've been able to recognize that thoughts as they enter my head and deal with them rationally. My weak point lately is not planning out my meals. I haven't cooked at home in a few days and haven't been grocery shopping in far too long. And flying by the seat of my pants WILL lead to trouble, it's just a matter of when. So tonight I plan and then shop. And then cook. Because I can do this!!
Speaking of plans, I need to also plan to add some exercise into each of my days. Everythings been busy - that's been my excuse. And when I say busy, I mean leave the house at 6am and don't get home until 10pm busy. But I must make time for myself. Busy isn't a new thing for me. And the year I raced, I did make time. So it can be done. I will make that a priority this week as well and include exercise in my day.
Finally, in news of the really exciting, I got my package of healthy pantry food in the mail yesterday! Tonights meal will be courtesy of healthy pantry. I will review the food for everyone!! Now I just have to decide: chilli or Lasagna??!




TTFN,
LauraLynne

Monday, March 8, 2010

small victores (and another weekend in the bag...)

I'm feeling so much more hopefull these days.  I still have moments of struggle - times I want to snack, grocery stores, and letting myself get too hungry - but I've had more successful moments than struggles.  This weekend we had a brunch with friends and an impromptu restaurant meal.  Both dangerous times for me.  For the brunch, I planned out what I would eat before I even got there.  And I stuck to it.  Even with BACON available.  And homemade cinnamon rolls - that I made!!
The restaurant was a chinese place - family style.  I ordered sensibly so that there would be one dish I was sure to be able to eat and we skipped all appetizers.  That was actually harder:  I was VERY hungry by the time we got there and I wanted something, anything, and I wanted it *NOW*.  But our food came out mercifully quickly.  And I portioned out what I thought was healthy - and I didn't snitch after that.  We even took leftovers home!  That rarely happens...we are the "clean plate" family. 
Slow but steady changes.  I'm finding the positive side of things.  I'm finding hope.  I'm recognizing success.  But I am prepared for backwards slides.  They are part of the process.

I had a dream last night about running - I had to save someone and I ran, sprinted really, to do it.  In my dream, I was focused on running, not on saving the man.  And it felt glorious.  This week I will make tinme in my schedule to start running. 

On a probably too personal note - today I get my IUD removed.  I've had it in for the max. time and have read and been told that the hormones on the IUD slow your metabolism and cause weight gain.  Not that I have any excuses - I know that most of my fat looks like Nascar cars: "Frito Lay", "Mars", and "Ben and Jerry" sponsor stickers everywhere...but if having the IUD helps me boost my metabolism at this point, I'm all for it!! 

Here's to a successful week for everyone!! 

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Friday, March 5, 2010

Friday weigh in

I had 2 weights this morning. Compulsive me got in the scale twice. The first time I just couldn't believe I read it right and my brain wouldn't "allow" that kind of success. When I got on again, it read a pound more, which felt more realistic. I figure i must have been stepping on it wrong or...?
Drum roll: 214.8
My brain plays numbers games with me. Basically it only acknowledges the last 2 digits, before and after the decimal. In the past I think it was a coping mechanism. I know it's how I got over 300 pounds. A visual form of denial.
In my head I round the numbers up or down to the nearest 10 pounds. So 216 looks like 220 to me. But 215 looks like 210. I jump ahead or back. Mentally, that way of thinking makes it easier to gain weight and a challenge to lose it.
I will have to make an effort to change that. For good.
But for now, 25.2 pounds gone!!

And tonight a fancy dinner out with Super Husband (having a friend as the head chef at a fine French restaurant: score!!). Then we have tickets for jeff foxworthy and his redneck band of funny friends.

It just occurred to me that I need to brace for my fancy dinner out tonight. I need to make a plan - I will check with the chef himself! He is health concious and will have ideas for me!


TTFN,
LauraLynne

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Ironic?

As I finished my last post, the bus driver on my commuter bus announced her bus wouldn't go over 45 mph and we would hve to detour and take another bus. As she dropped us off, everyone was grousing a little. Going to be late for work, might not get a seat, change in routine...grouse, grumble.
And as we lined up and it started sprinkling (and the grumbling got louder) I looked up and saw this:



And just smiled.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Hope

Last night was another OA meeting. We discussed step 3. It gave me an immense feeling of hope. I feel like all my life I've been addressing symptoms. The weight and my habits are the symptoms. Now I will address the disease. And I feel hope.


I've always referred to myself as an optimistic person. And I've been questioned on it. One particularly negative person (formerly) in my life used to argue with me that it wasn't possible for me to be so positive and upbeat. She was convinced that surely life was not as rosy as I saw it. She's still wrong and I pity her for not being able to find any joy in daily living.

That's not to say I don't get sad. I do! I've spent many of my years clinically depressed. And for a period in my failed marriage, I was put on anti-depressants. They were just what I needed at the time. Even then, I didn’t give up, I found joy where I could and every ray of sunshine that came into my life was noticed and appreciated.

I've since made drastic changes in my life. Starting on the inside. I spoke up for myself and against my insurance company and had gastric bypass. I gained courage and esteem, and lost weight. I gained energy and fortitude. Making those changes gave me the strength to make external changes.

I divorced my abusive husband of 10 years and stopped being the person he needed me to be. I became true to myself. I rediscovered my joy. And I became determined to never let it happen again. It was liberating.

Now I DO have a different outlook on life. Most of the time I'm able to find the up side of things. And last night, while discussing step three, it occurred to me why.

Faith. I haz it. I believe with all my heart that everything will be alright. And I always saw that as being optimistic. Now I see it as what it is. Faith.

It's that faith that will help me through this. Not just the symptoms. Not just the weight, the cravings, the habits and emotions, but all of it. And I am hopeful. Amazingly joyful at the prospect of this journey. As if the disease has finally been identified and the treatment is within my reach.

There's a saying that I love: "everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end"

This IS the beginning. And the end is in sight. God will get me there.



TTFN,

LauraLynne

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Tuesdays

For some reason, Tuesdays seem to be my lowest weight day of the week. I'm not sure why. Eating at work is routine for me, everything is planned out and sitting in the fridge or in a can in my drawer. I'm a creature of habit. Oatmeal for breakfast, grapefruit for snack, a protein dense lunch, usually a fruit snack before I head home. 5 days a week. I'm good with that thought. I get variety at night and on weekends. And work is the most mine laden place for me to be. I'm in a cubicle by myself. There are several delis and convenience stores in walking distance, an it's typically been the scene of my binging. (is that spelled right??)




In the last 2 months, I've done pretty well at avoiding the binging by sticking to my routine. I have fallen back into it a little for my afternoon snack in that instead of fruit, I will go buy a bag of veggie chips to munch on. But it's not a good idea for

Me. It too closely resembles bad habits. And my brain just "goes there".

Remember how you love this?

Remember how good it feels to just crunch and crunch and crunch?

Remember that salty taste on your lips?

That's so gooooood....



But those thoughts, that munching habit, that mindless eating is what GOT me where I am now.

Mindless. Key word. As children, our bodies regulated what we ate, more or less. As we grew, or as I grew, something changed. Food ceased being nutrition. It became reward: if you behave, we will get ice cream! It became comfort: Your poor knee, have a cookie! We learned that food = emotions And as I reached my teen years, it became an addiction.



I'm not sure when it happened. Looking back, I can't pinpoint an event, an emotion, a catalyst for this change. I can remember the actions.

Stealing Twinkie from my grandma’s freezer. Using all my babysitting money to buy food - but never eating it in front of people, I hid it. In high school I started making frosting. Whole bowls. Powdered sugar, milk, butter, vanilla, and mix until creamy. Never even bothering to measure anything, taking the bowl with me to my room and consuming it. Hiding the bowl. Thinking nobody knew.



The actions I remember. It's the elusive WHY that bothers me.





I've watched shows on TV about addiction and the actions are the same. The drug of choice is different. The method of ingestion is different. But I find myself dancing along the familiar feelings. The frantic gotta have it. The relief when it's in your hands - just getting it is part of the process. That feeling of anticipation...probably THE strongest feeling of the process. Then the eating. That seems minor in comparison to what led up to it. Like the emphasis is more on the chase and capture than the substance.

When I was eating, it was like an off switch for my brain. I threw every molecule into eating. There is no stress, no pressure, not joy, love, or hate. I am devoid of emotion. The lights in my brain are off, the voices are silent, Elvis has left the building.

Until the food is gone.

And all the noise is back. And it has brought friends with megaphones.

Even as I'm writing this, I'm reliving the process. And the thought of the post eating feelings makes my chest tighten up and my eyes water. It's SO overwhelming. Like I imagine drowning in the ocean would feel. Dark yet loud. There's the physical pain of overeating. And the Guilt. The Self Loathing. Failure again.

I look at other addicts and I separate myself from my own addiction and I ask "why??". Why would you DO that? Can't you see what it's doing to your body, your family, your life???! I practically scream it at them. I don't know how they can't see the effect it has. I don't understand how they can't see worthy they are!! I practically yell at the screen to just put the needle/pipe/bottle down. It seems so easy - just walk away!!



And it starts to dawn on me. That IS me. And if people could see my addiction as easily, they would try and take the fork out of my hand. Gently and with love. Love I don't have for myself.

God, this is hard.



I need help. More accurately, I need to use all the help tht is available to me. I've been putting of starting my 12 steps. I've told my husband about this blog and some of my struggles but I hide a lot. Or maybe I don't. I put up a good front. Not just to the people around me, but to myself.

It's time to get honest. It's time to pull up my big girl panties and get to work.

Tonight I WILL start with step one.





TTFN,

LauraLynne

Monday, March 1, 2010

In search of accountibility GOALS!

Starting NOW - I'm going to make monthly goals. Bite sized tasks that will hopefully help pass the time until I hit "Fit"

For March:
Get under 210
Run 1 mile continuously
100 sit ups at one time
Start working the 12 steps
Track all food daily
sign up for 5k in April
Sign up for one triathalon in summer
sign up for half marathon fall/winter
Fit into all my 14's
Take regular progress pictures
Don't give up hope