Thursday, July 7, 2011

Full Term - and back to 240

another fly by posting...

Yesterday was 40 weeks 0 days for me - technically known as the "due date"  someone forgot to inform the human growing inside me of that fact however.  He's late.  Oh well - I trust mother nature knows what she's doing.

But since this blog was started as a weight loss blog - the "weight loss" news is that I'm back to 240 pounds.  How depressing is that?  I know it's for a good cause and I'm actually doing pretty ok with it - but I can't say I'm not anxious to see how the scale reacts after he's born and in the weeks following. 
Will I be excited to watch the weight drop off?  Will I be disappointed that it's not dropping fast enough?  Will I be able to regain my momentum and get back on the proverbial wagon? 
Only time will tell. 
Stay tuned though - I will be back. 
If this pregnancy has taught me one thing - it's that I don't want to go through life this heavy ever again.  My body is NOT happy with the extra bulk.

So - until this baby is born - and I'm back on track - thanks for sticking with me!


Thursday, April 7, 2011

13 weeks to go - the scale broke

27 weeks pregnant now - scale's been inching up, emotionally it's hard to deal with.  High emotions = more eating = higher numbers = high emotions.  See where this is going?

Downward spiral - emotionally at least.  I've been SO busy with work, commuting, teenagers, and helping hubby keep shop open and running.  I'm overloaded.  And without the downtime, I'm eating worse than usual.  I don't have time to plan let alone cook.  But I'm determined and not giving up.  It's never too late, right? 

At 27 weeks, I'm up 22 pounds - I won't lie, as much as I know that it's ok and encouraged to gain weight to grow a healthy baby, it's still really difficult to watch the scale go up.  I know that every pound I gain is another pound I have to lose. 

I really don't have much to blog about these days - life it rushing past and there's not many "victories" - I feel silly blogging about kicks and baby hiccups and growing out of even some of my maternity clothes.  I haven't even taken many pictures of my baby bump - but I'm getting comments asking when I'm due and co-workers and family are rubbing the bump. 

We've scheduled our birthing class - well, twice actually.  Hubby's business has a big open house the weekend after the major local car show.  i've been pestering him for the dates (but didn't bother to look them up myself).  He finally said "just book the birthing class, it's more important".  So I did. 
And it was the SAME weekend.  Wouldn't you know it?!  So I re-booked the birthing class - taking weeknight classes for 5 weeks vs. 2 days over a weekend.  So now we're taking a birthing class.  It's more for hubby than for me (I keep saying that but who am I kidding - it's been FIFTEEN years since I gave birth - I remember the main details but the particulars are pretty fuzzy at this point!). 

We've started a registry (including a jogging stroller - I'm determined to pick back up again after baby!), bought some "couldn't resist" baby clothes - hubby's a huge fan of ducks so a lot of the clothes we find are duck themed.  Including this:

We're doing newborn professional photos so I'm hoping this is as cute on our baby as the picture is!!

Ok - time to go back to work - just a quick update.  No news is good news, right?  I'm still following several blogs, but honestly I'm just frustrated to compare my gain to other people's losses.  I'm thrilled that so many people I've been following for over a year are still doing great and dropping pounds and still with the program.  I'm just frustrated that I feel like I'm still 3 months away from starting over again.  If that makes any sense...


Friday, March 11, 2011

made it through the week

and still sugar free!  I'm struggling a little with random comments from people about how "big" I am - it's hard not to take it personally.  I try and focus on the fact that "big" = healthy baby, I'm all baby belly, I still have a waist (from the sides) and I should (but won't) measure my thighs and calves but I'm pretty sure they haven't changed much.  My weight gain has slowed down - I was up to 220, now down to 218 but still eating plenty!  I don't even want to count how many calories I was eating in a day - and probably 40% of it from sugar/junk. 
I keep reminding myself that the less I put on now, the less I have to take off later (keeping it to a healthy weight gain, NOT a weight loss situation here).
Meanwhile - baby boy is kicking and rolling and punching in there - constantly reminding me of his presence.  Hubby's felt him once now - but tried to feel him at night but it's hit or miss.  I suspect from this point on, it will get MUCH easier, he's moved up higher and might have flipped around (he was breech at 20wk). 
I am looking at my "no sugar" as temporary to see if I can make it the remaining 16.5 weeks without it.  I think that I will re-evaluate at that point and probably remain sugar-free but am just going to focus on one day at a time. 

That's my brief update!


Monday, March 7, 2011

rash decision...but it needs to be done...

Just a quick check in - this morning's breakfast got me thinking...
Typically I've been eating toast every morning.  And I've been using cinnamon sugar sprinkled on top because, well, because frankly I'm out of control.  With my sugar consumption.  This morning was the final straw.  For reasons I don't completely understand. But I'm going with it...

Pregnancy or not - I'm eating too much sugar. It's become my go-to food.  And it's out of control. 
So this morning, I quit.  Cold Turkey.  Without any pre-meditation.  Peanut butter toast from this point forward.  And no snickers with lunch.  And no cadbury eggs at the grocery store.  And no ice cream, sprinkle donuts, random candy bars to curb hunger. 

It's going to mean more planning.  I still have to eat every hour or so to keep the m/s from getting out of control.  But it's NOT sugar that I need.  It's sugar that I want...but not need. 
So today is Day 1.  Again.  I know.  But I know it's what I need to do.  Not want.  For sure.  But need. 
Want vs. need.  A great post for another day...

Until then, nearly 23 weeks pregnant and already grumpy, I'm giving up sugar cold turkey. 
(my brain is already coming up with "exceptions" - there's a cupcake party in the works, there are baby showers I will be the guest of honor at - that means cake! - and there's the occassional Cadbury egg I don't WANT to resist...)

So here's to Day 1.  Again. 


Friday, February 25, 2011

I feel like all I do is whine anymore

...hence the silence. 

I'm SO grateful for this baby growing inside me - but I'm struggling with demons that have been in me for my entire life.  I realize what a blessing it is to be able to get pregnant, to stay pregnant, to have healthy baby. 

I thank God every single day for the blessings he brings to my life.  We got news this week that this baby is a very healthy, strong, growing - BOY.  Which is awesome.  You could have knocked me over with a feather - I was sure this was a girl.  But, apparently, I was wrong! God continues to surprise me!!

I'm still suffering morning sickness - and I'm combating it by taking meds every night and making sure I'm never hungry.  Which means eating all. the. time.

What a horrible thing to complain about - right?  I mean - this should be a dream come true.  But I'm blowing it.  I'm making horrible choices.  Not all the time.  But enough for me to feel guilty.  For eating junk.  For breaking food abstinences I worked so hard on.  For feeling guilty. 

And while being pregnant is tiring, feeling guilty is worse!  I'm exhausted and not motivated to do anything.  But this weekend I'm making some changes.  Including meal planning, snack planning, freezer meals, and general de-cluttering around the house.  My room has been out of control - there's laundry everywhere and I'm going a little nutty without some order in my chaos.  I've been working my full time job plus working swap meets for my husband's business for the last 2 weekends.  I'm utterly burnt out.  And looking forward to doing something for MYSELF this weekend. 

Including cooking, cleaning and laundry.  And a date with hubby.  Because - wow - after 8 years, this man loves me more every day and life is truly awesome.  He's been so awesome with my general mood swings (grumpy to even grumpier usually), he's been generous and genuine with compliments, and some days, at the end of the day, when he walks past me and caresses my exppanding belly, life's worries just fade away. 

I haven't kept up on other blogs - it's not good for me right now.  I'm envious of those of you who's weight loss I was pacing - you've now all pulled ahead by large margins - and rightfully so.  But mentally, it's frustrating so I'm avoiding y'all for now.  I will be SO excited to cheer for you again when I feel ready.  Until then, secretly, I'm SO excited to check in now and then and see just how awesome everyone is doing!!


Friday, February 11, 2011

strange self-image issues cropping up...

Not much to report here, I'm tired, I'm getting bigger, I'm eating all day long...I'm 19 weeks along now and right on track for weight gain according to my doctor.  So I'm trying to be nice to myself about my choices and the fact that it feels out of control (compared to when I was trying to lose weight).
I'm staying off the scale mostly - I weigh myself about once a week or so but I'm trying really hard not to let the numbers get me upset. 

BUT - what I'm struggling with - and it's new to me - is body image issues.  I KNOW I'm pregnant.  I KNOW my belly is getting bigger.  I KNOW there's a baby causing that - but I'm really struggling with my own perception of a larger tummy. 
After losing 130 pounds 9 years ago, I had a reconstructive tummy tuck.  I was middle heavy so when I lost the weight, I had a huge "skin apron" that hung down to my thighs.  I had the tummy tuck and have had a (relatively) flat stomach since then.  I've grown accustomed to my flat stomach.  And I'm moderately repulsed by my growing stomach - but only because my brain is trying to tell me that it's ALL FAT.  It's not!!  I know it's not. 
Stragers notice that I'm pregnant, my belly is definatively round and high.  But when I look in the mirror, it's hard not to poke and it and find fault with it.  Nevermind that I still have a relatively large behind and none too dainty thighs - my brain has found peace with that.  But the tummy - that's sending me into a tailspin.  I'm avoiding mirrors.  I'm on the verge of finding a counselor to just talk this out and make sure I'm not completely losing my mind.  It feels that way. 
I feel like the tummy is a result of the constant eating (without the constant eating, it becomes a cycle of constant throwing up - it would be a dream come true if I didn't already have VOLUMES of eating issues going on).  I feel angry with myself for eating and getting a big tummy.  It's NOT rational.  It's NOT logical.  It's warped.  but it's there. 

anyway - that's all I have to report for now - I'm way behind on reading blogs and frustrated because I can't comment from work (filters!) - but I'm trying to catch up with all my blogland friends!!

Happy Friday Everyone!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

why am I excited about 205??

well...because that means that even while baby's growing, I'm keeping my weight steady!!  It's funny how staying the same feels like a win right now.  I'm making healthy choices most of the time but I'm not limiting much (I'm even not doing great on the candy front - when I feel icky and tired and *fill in the blank* I really just can't stop thinking about it - Addicted?  *sigh*)
But I'm walking a little more - just little stuff, parking farther, getting off the bus earlier, walking around work - but it all counts. 
It's funny how it's easy to give someone else credit for their small steps when it's hard to credit ourselves - anyone else feel that way?  I commented on a fellow blogger about she is walking home from work - it's 3 miles.  She was bummed about walking and I commented that it counts for activity points (she's doing WW).  And while I'm not doing WW, I don't give myself any credit for walking to/from the bus (3/4 mile each way) and the walking I do at work etc.  In my brain - for me - it only counts if I'm walking for pure exercise.  So I'm trying to change that.  It does count.  Even for me!


Monday, January 31, 2011

it's Monday! that means I survived the weekend, right?

well, the jury's still out but I'd say I mostly survived.  I ate pretty healthy - no candy...until...*sigh* Cadbury Creme eggs.  I had to return a redbox movie to the grocery store (you know, the VERY store I've been avoiding!?!) and I went by myself.  I also had to pick up some more Unisom (I've got hyperemisis and Unisom keeps the morning sickness/throwing up under control enough to avoid ER visits).  As I practically ran from the back of the store (where the Unisom is) to the register (where the Cadbury Eggs are) I mentally argued with myself and lost.  I picked up ONE Cadbury eggs (which I count as a victory - I usually eat them in pairs AND they were on sale 2 for $1 - a trick my brain readily falls for).  I unwrapped it before I left the store, tossed the wrapper in the can out front, and gobbled that egg down before I pulled into my driveway less than 2 minutes later.
I'm so ashamed.  But I'm not letting it derail me.  I did well the rest of the weekend and I'm willing to forgive myself one sweet (but off-limit) treat. 
For the record, my list of justificiations:
  1. it was only one
  2. it's not a candy bar - you'll have to be  more SPECIFIC next time when you say 'candy'
  3. I can eat it before I get home
  4. nobody will know
  5. you did SO well the last 48 hours, you deserve a treat
  6. tomorrow's monday, start again
  7. Tuesday's a new month, start again
  8. you don't feel good, you deserve this
  9. a bunch of other things that I don't really have words for - just a giant flood of emotions
None of those really justify breaking abstinence.  Not at all.  So I'm moving forward.  Today I will not eat candy.  Including Cadbury Eggs.  I will deal with tomorrow tomorrow. 

In baby news - my husband commented yesterday as I was stepping out of the shower "you're getting a belly on you!"  My reply?  "where have you BEEN the last several weeks?!"  I need to take a picture - I'm not just showing, I'm getting asked about my due date, I'm getting seats on the bus, I've packed away all my pre-pregnancy clothes, I'm only wearing pants with elastic waistbands...HELLO HUBBY!! 

I need opinions....he's thinking that after our "big" ultrasound, we'll throw a party to announce if this is a boy or a girl.  We had a pizza dinner for our closest friends and family to announce our pregnancy and while I'm THRILLED he's excited - I'm a little anxious about all the attention.  And another party feels like too much attention.  What have other people done?  What are your thoughts on having an "announce the sex" party?  I'd be excited to be invited to one - thrilled to lavish attention on my friends - but being the center of attention is not my strong suit.  (On the other hand I'm picturing requesting people to wear Pink or Blue and then pitting them against each other in games of chance until we finally reveal the winning "Team"....but that sounds an awful lot like something from a TV sitcom AKA "Cheesy")

That's all the news for now!!

Friday, January 28, 2011

Day 3 - no candy - so far so good

And by Good I mean "Good LORD this is hard".  *sigh*

Today's Friday - and I've got a fridge stocked with healthy food so my resolve is to not go to the grocery store/convenience store/mini mart so that I can avoid the temptation of buying candy. 
We had an open house at my husband's shop yesterday - I single handed-ly served food to 200 men with only 2 crock pots and a electric griddle.  20 cans of chili, 15 pounds of meatballs, and 2 family size jars of BBQ sauce were the 'main course'.  Side dishes were bags of chips, veggie and fruit trays, and cookies.  Nothing fancy - these are car aficionado's, not food critics.  Today I'm beat.  Very tired, very sore, and really just READY for the weekend. 


Wednesday, January 26, 2011

why pregnancy and food addiction don't go well together

As a food addict, I eat when I'm tired, emotional, bored, etc.  I struggle to deal with the emotions directly, instead I eat.  At 17 weeks pregnant, I'm always tired and especially emotional.  With excessive morning sickness, I am REQUIRED to eat all day long, never having an empty tummy (or else it starts a downward spiral of yuckiness). 
This combo is tough to combat. 
I'm really struggling. 
Mostly I'm struggling with knowing the right answer and not doing it.

The answer is healthy choices.  And most of the time I make great choices.  But when I get off track, it's HUGE.  It's not a mini-candy, it's several king size.  (I'm *eye rolling* myself right here).  Instead of surgery on my stomach 10 years ago, I should have had surgery on my brain. 

So how do I tap into DOING the right thing again.  I've been toying again with the idea of going to OA.  Just to do SOMETHING.  Some Action.  A first step (no pun intended).  The meeting is less than 2 miles away from my son's baseball on Saturday mornings but starts 1/2 hour earlier - I may go scope it out to see if my son can walk safely from the meeting to baseball - or if I can drop him off a little early.  I need to do something. 
I also need to start MOVING again.  I've been a lump on a log since the positive pregnancy test.  I haven't run (that feels entirely out of the question at this point) but I haven't walked or anything lately.  Even just 20 minutes a day.  I have to lose the "go big or go home" and concentrate on baby steps (ok - that pun WAS intended! *grin*).  I just printed out the swim schedule - I will have to avoid the hot tub (gosh darn it!) but I think that getting 30 minutes of swim in a couple times a week along with some 20-30 minute walks should be enough to keep the scale from going up too fast. 
And I need to start eliminating foods again.  I SO want to tell you I'm ready for that.  I WANT to be ready for that.  That struggle is what tells me that I NEED TO DO THIS. 
Ok.  I will not go down to the vending machine right now.  that was the plan.  I have the coins laid out on my desk.  I had a plan.  But today I will not eat Candy. 
I have no plan for tomorrow, Today is Day 1, no candy.  this time it's not just for me. 

I will eat a pear instead. 

Meanwhile things are going well with Baby Love...we are 17 weeks today, my tummy is already getting huge, I'm feeling VERY pregnant and not even halfway.  I'm exhausted all. the. time.  I'm having VIVID dreams for what feels like all night long - some very graphic (last night I dreamt I held the baby through my skin!  ewww), some very fun and detailed, some very vague.  But I wake up feeling not very rested.  I try not to complain (other than here) because I really am very grateful for this healthy pregnancy...but WOW...I forgot just how hard this is!!  short breath, my stomach growls full OR empty, the exhaustion...  There are good things - I've got porn star boobs, a healthy, growing baby inside me, stretchy waistband pants, feeling Baby Love rolling around, and generally a feeling of amazement.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Time to come clean - and start blogging again with NEWS!

I've been avoiding the blogging world - for a couple reasons.  My eating has been horrible.  Well, maybe not horrible but definately not brag-worthy or blog-worthy.  I've been embarassed at how much I've regressed back into old eating habits.
The other reason is I've been keeping a secret but it's time to come clean. 
I've been gaining weight - only a little - and with my doctor's full permission.  As of today, I'm 16weeks 4 days pregnant, and this one's here to stay! 
I'm excited.  And nervous. And sick as a dog with morning sickness.  I've used all of the above as an excuse to jump off the wagon (and load it with junk food to drag around with me all day).  I've had chips and candy and sugar - and not in small quantities.  I now weight 205.  Up from 190.  But holding steady and fully aware of the changes I need to make - again.
Mostly my problem is that I have morning sickness 24 hours a day.  It's like really bad motion sickness ALL THE TIME.  So while I KNOW I need to eat on a regular basis, nothing sounds appealing and (warning - gross ahead) I have to consider what it will feel like if it comes back on me.  (end warning).
So I've been eating all my "comfort" foods - which, if I want to be honest with myself - are my addiction foods. 
In the back of my mind, I know fully well that they really DON'T taste as fabulous as I'd like them to taste - right now I actually enjoy the taste of STRONG flavors.  Chocolate and chips are NOT strong flavors.  Garlic hummus, anything with jalepenos, and ethnic foods ARE strong flavors.  And veggies and fruit are slowly being put back in my daily diet.  I had a "craving" for McDonalds early on - their hamburgers of all things (which normally I HATE).  I've banned myself from fast food again.  There's nothing there I HAVE to have.  I know that. 
So now, after a whole weekend of dreaming about my blog - I will start using it again as one of my tools for getting back on track.  And sharing my awesome news!
Mostly this will still be about my struggle with food.  But there will be baby/pregnancy stuff talked about too.  The ratio is still to be decided.