Monday, January 31, 2011

it's Monday! that means I survived the weekend, right?

well, the jury's still out but I'd say I mostly survived.  I ate pretty healthy - no candy...until...*sigh* Cadbury Creme eggs.  I had to return a redbox movie to the grocery store (you know, the VERY store I've been avoiding!?!) and I went by myself.  I also had to pick up some more Unisom (I've got hyperemisis and Unisom keeps the morning sickness/throwing up under control enough to avoid ER visits).  As I practically ran from the back of the store (where the Unisom is) to the register (where the Cadbury Eggs are) I mentally argued with myself and lost.  I picked up ONE Cadbury eggs (which I count as a victory - I usually eat them in pairs AND they were on sale 2 for $1 - a trick my brain readily falls for).  I unwrapped it before I left the store, tossed the wrapper in the can out front, and gobbled that egg down before I pulled into my driveway less than 2 minutes later.
I'm so ashamed.  But I'm not letting it derail me.  I did well the rest of the weekend and I'm willing to forgive myself one sweet (but off-limit) treat. 
For the record, my list of justificiations:
  1. it was only one
  2. it's not a candy bar - you'll have to be  more SPECIFIC next time when you say 'candy'
  3. I can eat it before I get home
  4. nobody will know
  5. you did SO well the last 48 hours, you deserve a treat
  6. tomorrow's monday, start again
  7. Tuesday's a new month, start again
  8. you don't feel good, you deserve this
  9. a bunch of other things that I don't really have words for - just a giant flood of emotions
None of those really justify breaking abstinence.  Not at all.  So I'm moving forward.  Today I will not eat candy.  Including Cadbury Eggs.  I will deal with tomorrow tomorrow. 

In baby news - my husband commented yesterday as I was stepping out of the shower "you're getting a belly on you!"  My reply?  "where have you BEEN the last several weeks?!"  I need to take a picture - I'm not just showing, I'm getting asked about my due date, I'm getting seats on the bus, I've packed away all my pre-pregnancy clothes, I'm only wearing pants with elastic waistbands...HELLO HUBBY!! 

I need opinions....he's thinking that after our "big" ultrasound, we'll throw a party to announce if this is a boy or a girl.  We had a pizza dinner for our closest friends and family to announce our pregnancy and while I'm THRILLED he's excited - I'm a little anxious about all the attention.  And another party feels like too much attention.  What have other people done?  What are your thoughts on having an "announce the sex" party?  I'd be excited to be invited to one - thrilled to lavish attention on my friends - but being the center of attention is not my strong suit.  (On the other hand I'm picturing requesting people to wear Pink or Blue and then pitting them against each other in games of chance until we finally reveal the winning "Team"....but that sounds an awful lot like something from a TV sitcom AKA "Cheesy")

That's all the news for now!!

Friday, January 28, 2011

Day 3 - no candy - so far so good

And by Good I mean "Good LORD this is hard".  *sigh*

Today's Friday - and I've got a fridge stocked with healthy food so my resolve is to not go to the grocery store/convenience store/mini mart so that I can avoid the temptation of buying candy. 
We had an open house at my husband's shop yesterday - I single handed-ly served food to 200 men with only 2 crock pots and a electric griddle.  20 cans of chili, 15 pounds of meatballs, and 2 family size jars of BBQ sauce were the 'main course'.  Side dishes were bags of chips, veggie and fruit trays, and cookies.  Nothing fancy - these are car aficionado's, not food critics.  Today I'm beat.  Very tired, very sore, and really just READY for the weekend. 


Wednesday, January 26, 2011

why pregnancy and food addiction don't go well together

As a food addict, I eat when I'm tired, emotional, bored, etc.  I struggle to deal with the emotions directly, instead I eat.  At 17 weeks pregnant, I'm always tired and especially emotional.  With excessive morning sickness, I am REQUIRED to eat all day long, never having an empty tummy (or else it starts a downward spiral of yuckiness). 
This combo is tough to combat. 
I'm really struggling. 
Mostly I'm struggling with knowing the right answer and not doing it.

The answer is healthy choices.  And most of the time I make great choices.  But when I get off track, it's HUGE.  It's not a mini-candy, it's several king size.  (I'm *eye rolling* myself right here).  Instead of surgery on my stomach 10 years ago, I should have had surgery on my brain. 

So how do I tap into DOING the right thing again.  I've been toying again with the idea of going to OA.  Just to do SOMETHING.  Some Action.  A first step (no pun intended).  The meeting is less than 2 miles away from my son's baseball on Saturday mornings but starts 1/2 hour earlier - I may go scope it out to see if my son can walk safely from the meeting to baseball - or if I can drop him off a little early.  I need to do something. 
I also need to start MOVING again.  I've been a lump on a log since the positive pregnancy test.  I haven't run (that feels entirely out of the question at this point) but I haven't walked or anything lately.  Even just 20 minutes a day.  I have to lose the "go big or go home" and concentrate on baby steps (ok - that pun WAS intended! *grin*).  I just printed out the swim schedule - I will have to avoid the hot tub (gosh darn it!) but I think that getting 30 minutes of swim in a couple times a week along with some 20-30 minute walks should be enough to keep the scale from going up too fast. 
And I need to start eliminating foods again.  I SO want to tell you I'm ready for that.  I WANT to be ready for that.  That struggle is what tells me that I NEED TO DO THIS. 
Ok.  I will not go down to the vending machine right now.  that was the plan.  I have the coins laid out on my desk.  I had a plan.  But today I will not eat Candy. 
I have no plan for tomorrow, Today is Day 1, no candy.  this time it's not just for me. 

I will eat a pear instead. 

Meanwhile things are going well with Baby Love...we are 17 weeks today, my tummy is already getting huge, I'm feeling VERY pregnant and not even halfway.  I'm exhausted all. the. time.  I'm having VIVID dreams for what feels like all night long - some very graphic (last night I dreamt I held the baby through my skin!  ewww), some very fun and detailed, some very vague.  But I wake up feeling not very rested.  I try not to complain (other than here) because I really am very grateful for this healthy pregnancy...but WOW...I forgot just how hard this is!!  short breath, my stomach growls full OR empty, the exhaustion...  There are good things - I've got porn star boobs, a healthy, growing baby inside me, stretchy waistband pants, feeling Baby Love rolling around, and generally a feeling of amazement.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Time to come clean - and start blogging again with NEWS!

I've been avoiding the blogging world - for a couple reasons.  My eating has been horrible.  Well, maybe not horrible but definately not brag-worthy or blog-worthy.  I've been embarassed at how much I've regressed back into old eating habits.
The other reason is I've been keeping a secret but it's time to come clean. 
I've been gaining weight - only a little - and with my doctor's full permission.  As of today, I'm 16weeks 4 days pregnant, and this one's here to stay! 
I'm excited.  And nervous. And sick as a dog with morning sickness.  I've used all of the above as an excuse to jump off the wagon (and load it with junk food to drag around with me all day).  I've had chips and candy and sugar - and not in small quantities.  I now weight 205.  Up from 190.  But holding steady and fully aware of the changes I need to make - again.
Mostly my problem is that I have morning sickness 24 hours a day.  It's like really bad motion sickness ALL THE TIME.  So while I KNOW I need to eat on a regular basis, nothing sounds appealing and (warning - gross ahead) I have to consider what it will feel like if it comes back on me.  (end warning).
So I've been eating all my "comfort" foods - which, if I want to be honest with myself - are my addiction foods. 
In the back of my mind, I know fully well that they really DON'T taste as fabulous as I'd like them to taste - right now I actually enjoy the taste of STRONG flavors.  Chocolate and chips are NOT strong flavors.  Garlic hummus, anything with jalepenos, and ethnic foods ARE strong flavors.  And veggies and fruit are slowly being put back in my daily diet.  I had a "craving" for McDonalds early on - their hamburgers of all things (which normally I HATE).  I've banned myself from fast food again.  There's nothing there I HAVE to have.  I know that. 
So now, after a whole weekend of dreaming about my blog - I will start using it again as one of my tools for getting back on track.  And sharing my awesome news!
Mostly this will still be about my struggle with food.  But there will be baby/pregnancy stuff talked about too.  The ratio is still to be decided.