Friday, February 25, 2011

I feel like all I do is whine anymore

...hence the silence. 

I'm SO grateful for this baby growing inside me - but I'm struggling with demons that have been in me for my entire life.  I realize what a blessing it is to be able to get pregnant, to stay pregnant, to have healthy baby. 

I thank God every single day for the blessings he brings to my life.  We got news this week that this baby is a very healthy, strong, growing - BOY.  Which is awesome.  You could have knocked me over with a feather - I was sure this was a girl.  But, apparently, I was wrong! God continues to surprise me!!

I'm still suffering morning sickness - and I'm combating it by taking meds every night and making sure I'm never hungry.  Which means eating all. the. time.

What a horrible thing to complain about - right?  I mean - this should be a dream come true.  But I'm blowing it.  I'm making horrible choices.  Not all the time.  But enough for me to feel guilty.  For eating junk.  For breaking food abstinences I worked so hard on.  For feeling guilty. 

And while being pregnant is tiring, feeling guilty is worse!  I'm exhausted and not motivated to do anything.  But this weekend I'm making some changes.  Including meal planning, snack planning, freezer meals, and general de-cluttering around the house.  My room has been out of control - there's laundry everywhere and I'm going a little nutty without some order in my chaos.  I've been working my full time job plus working swap meets for my husband's business for the last 2 weekends.  I'm utterly burnt out.  And looking forward to doing something for MYSELF this weekend. 

Including cooking, cleaning and laundry.  And a date with hubby.  Because - wow - after 8 years, this man loves me more every day and life is truly awesome.  He's been so awesome with my general mood swings (grumpy to even grumpier usually), he's been generous and genuine with compliments, and some days, at the end of the day, when he walks past me and caresses my exppanding belly, life's worries just fade away. 

I haven't kept up on other blogs - it's not good for me right now.  I'm envious of those of you who's weight loss I was pacing - you've now all pulled ahead by large margins - and rightfully so.  But mentally, it's frustrating so I'm avoiding y'all for now.  I will be SO excited to cheer for you again when I feel ready.  Until then, secretly, I'm SO excited to check in now and then and see just how awesome everyone is doing!!


Friday, February 11, 2011

strange self-image issues cropping up...

Not much to report here, I'm tired, I'm getting bigger, I'm eating all day long...I'm 19 weeks along now and right on track for weight gain according to my doctor.  So I'm trying to be nice to myself about my choices and the fact that it feels out of control (compared to when I was trying to lose weight).
I'm staying off the scale mostly - I weigh myself about once a week or so but I'm trying really hard not to let the numbers get me upset. 

BUT - what I'm struggling with - and it's new to me - is body image issues.  I KNOW I'm pregnant.  I KNOW my belly is getting bigger.  I KNOW there's a baby causing that - but I'm really struggling with my own perception of a larger tummy. 
After losing 130 pounds 9 years ago, I had a reconstructive tummy tuck.  I was middle heavy so when I lost the weight, I had a huge "skin apron" that hung down to my thighs.  I had the tummy tuck and have had a (relatively) flat stomach since then.  I've grown accustomed to my flat stomach.  And I'm moderately repulsed by my growing stomach - but only because my brain is trying to tell me that it's ALL FAT.  It's not!!  I know it's not. 
Stragers notice that I'm pregnant, my belly is definatively round and high.  But when I look in the mirror, it's hard not to poke and it and find fault with it.  Nevermind that I still have a relatively large behind and none too dainty thighs - my brain has found peace with that.  But the tummy - that's sending me into a tailspin.  I'm avoiding mirrors.  I'm on the verge of finding a counselor to just talk this out and make sure I'm not completely losing my mind.  It feels that way. 
I feel like the tummy is a result of the constant eating (without the constant eating, it becomes a cycle of constant throwing up - it would be a dream come true if I didn't already have VOLUMES of eating issues going on).  I feel angry with myself for eating and getting a big tummy.  It's NOT rational.  It's NOT logical.  It's warped.  but it's there. 

anyway - that's all I have to report for now - I'm way behind on reading blogs and frustrated because I can't comment from work (filters!) - but I'm trying to catch up with all my blogland friends!!

Happy Friday Everyone!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

why am I excited about 205??

well...because that means that even while baby's growing, I'm keeping my weight steady!!  It's funny how staying the same feels like a win right now.  I'm making healthy choices most of the time but I'm not limiting much (I'm even not doing great on the candy front - when I feel icky and tired and *fill in the blank* I really just can't stop thinking about it - Addicted?  *sigh*)
But I'm walking a little more - just little stuff, parking farther, getting off the bus earlier, walking around work - but it all counts. 
It's funny how it's easy to give someone else credit for their small steps when it's hard to credit ourselves - anyone else feel that way?  I commented on a fellow blogger about she is walking home from work - it's 3 miles.  She was bummed about walking and I commented that it counts for activity points (she's doing WW).  And while I'm not doing WW, I don't give myself any credit for walking to/from the bus (3/4 mile each way) and the walking I do at work etc.  In my brain - for me - it only counts if I'm walking for pure exercise.  So I'm trying to change that.  It does count.  Even for me!