Friday, February 25, 2011

I feel like all I do is whine anymore

...hence the silence. 

I'm SO grateful for this baby growing inside me - but I'm struggling with demons that have been in me for my entire life.  I realize what a blessing it is to be able to get pregnant, to stay pregnant, to have healthy baby. 

I thank God every single day for the blessings he brings to my life.  We got news this week that this baby is a very healthy, strong, growing - BOY.  Which is awesome.  You could have knocked me over with a feather - I was sure this was a girl.  But, apparently, I was wrong! God continues to surprise me!!

I'm still suffering morning sickness - and I'm combating it by taking meds every night and making sure I'm never hungry.  Which means eating all. the. time.

What a horrible thing to complain about - right?  I mean - this should be a dream come true.  But I'm blowing it.  I'm making horrible choices.  Not all the time.  But enough for me to feel guilty.  For eating junk.  For breaking food abstinences I worked so hard on.  For feeling guilty. 

And while being pregnant is tiring, feeling guilty is worse!  I'm exhausted and not motivated to do anything.  But this weekend I'm making some changes.  Including meal planning, snack planning, freezer meals, and general de-cluttering around the house.  My room has been out of control - there's laundry everywhere and I'm going a little nutty without some order in my chaos.  I've been working my full time job plus working swap meets for my husband's business for the last 2 weekends.  I'm utterly burnt out.  And looking forward to doing something for MYSELF this weekend. 

Including cooking, cleaning and laundry.  And a date with hubby.  Because - wow - after 8 years, this man loves me more every day and life is truly awesome.  He's been so awesome with my general mood swings (grumpy to even grumpier usually), he's been generous and genuine with compliments, and some days, at the end of the day, when he walks past me and caresses my exppanding belly, life's worries just fade away. 

I haven't kept up on other blogs - it's not good for me right now.  I'm envious of those of you who's weight loss I was pacing - you've now all pulled ahead by large margins - and rightfully so.  But mentally, it's frustrating so I'm avoiding y'all for now.  I will be SO excited to cheer for you again when I feel ready.  Until then, secretly, I'm SO excited to check in now and then and see just how awesome everyone is doing!!



Ms. M said...

Sounds like you definitely deserve some YOU time this weekend. I get the avoiding blogs because its frustrating... I would probably be the same way. I do have to say though... my blog is totally "safe" reading at the moment... I've been struggling sooooo badly. Maybe I have sympathy pregnancy weight gain, lol.

Big Clyde said...

Congrats on the baby boy! There's no judgement against a woman who gains weight while growing a human inside of her. Enjoy your pregnancy, do your best with eating and don't stress about the food.

Just my opinion...

Laura said...

I understand completely the need to distance yourself from the weight loss blogs (I'm 30 weeks pregnant right now). Try to concentrate on the beauty of the pregnancy and ignore the guilt the scale provides. Before you know it, your new little one will be here and you will be back to the business of losing weight!

Pregnancy Miracle said...

After the pregnancy when the new born child comes our home then our work schedule becomes very busy. We need to do lot of work for that.

Lisa said...

you do whatever you need to for you. If that means no blogs, so be it. It may seems like everyone around you is losing so much but look what you are gaining! :) Congrats on the BOY!