Friday, February 11, 2011

strange self-image issues cropping up...

Not much to report here, I'm tired, I'm getting bigger, I'm eating all day long...I'm 19 weeks along now and right on track for weight gain according to my doctor.  So I'm trying to be nice to myself about my choices and the fact that it feels out of control (compared to when I was trying to lose weight).
I'm staying off the scale mostly - I weigh myself about once a week or so but I'm trying really hard not to let the numbers get me upset. 

BUT - what I'm struggling with - and it's new to me - is body image issues.  I KNOW I'm pregnant.  I KNOW my belly is getting bigger.  I KNOW there's a baby causing that - but I'm really struggling with my own perception of a larger tummy. 
After losing 130 pounds 9 years ago, I had a reconstructive tummy tuck.  I was middle heavy so when I lost the weight, I had a huge "skin apron" that hung down to my thighs.  I had the tummy tuck and have had a (relatively) flat stomach since then.  I've grown accustomed to my flat stomach.  And I'm moderately repulsed by my growing stomach - but only because my brain is trying to tell me that it's ALL FAT.  It's not!!  I know it's not. 
Stragers notice that I'm pregnant, my belly is definatively round and high.  But when I look in the mirror, it's hard not to poke and it and find fault with it.  Nevermind that I still have a relatively large behind and none too dainty thighs - my brain has found peace with that.  But the tummy - that's sending me into a tailspin.  I'm avoiding mirrors.  I'm on the verge of finding a counselor to just talk this out and make sure I'm not completely losing my mind.  It feels that way. 
I feel like the tummy is a result of the constant eating (without the constant eating, it becomes a cycle of constant throwing up - it would be a dream come true if I didn't already have VOLUMES of eating issues going on).  I feel angry with myself for eating and getting a big tummy.  It's NOT rational.  It's NOT logical.  It's warped.  but it's there. 

anyway - that's all I have to report for now - I'm way behind on reading blogs and frustrated because I can't comment from work (filters!) - but I'm trying to catch up with all my blogland friends!!

Happy Friday Everyone!


TRI714 said...

deap breaths please. O.k. now smile, your prego and beautiful. Carry on.

LauraLynne said...

thank you - that did make me smile!

jesseybell said...

I know it is hard, especially in the beginning when you feel like you just look fat instead of pregnant. But eventually I felt so incredibly beautiful when I was pregnant. And you are beautiful too.

Lisa said...

girl, you know what I have to say to this... be grateful for that belly. Others like me would kill for it.